The holiday season is by far one of the most difficult times of the year for survivors of suicide loss. Today’s guest post from Lisa T. details how she is still finding her way in the early years since losing her husband.
The Trouble with November
November is the month of remembering those who have left us on this earth. In my faith, we celebrate All Saints Day and All Souls Day – our church displays a banner listing all the names of parishioners who’ve passed away in the last calendar year. Later in the month, we honor International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day (November 23). And, with Thanksgiving, we begin the official start of the holiday season.
November also marks the death anniversary of my husband, who died by suicide two years 
ago. This month commences my third year as a survivor, as an “only parent” to our three daughters, and as a widow. I realize that I’m still in the early stages of grief (which, I’m told, lasts from one to three years – terrific <insert sarcasm>), and I have yet to figure out how to handle the anniversaries. November is a tough month to endure because there are a lot of death reminders, especially for someone grieving a loved one’s suicide.
As I did last year, when going through the anniversary for the first time, I’m finding myself flooded with memories (nightmares?). I wasn’t sure what to expect during year two, but I felt a little more prepared. I knew flashbacks and anxiety/panic attacks might occur, and they did. I knew that- out of nowhere – the tears might come, and they did.
I’m once again experiencing vivid flashbacks of what happened on that November day two years ago…
Seeing him for the last time…
Having to tell our daughters that their dad is gone and not coming back…
Making phone calls to family trying to explain what I didn’t even believe happened, like I was in a movie but not wanting to play my part…
Beyond his death anniversary, the entire month is tough. Reflecting on those early days after he died is hard. There was the day of his funeral, the decision not to go back to work until the new year, and trying to remember what we actually did that first Thanksgiving (I still can’t piece it together as to what we experienced or where we were).
A few people have texted, written notes, and approached me saying I’m still in their thoughts. This is so kind and helpful. It’s good to hear his name spoken by others, especially outside of our family. I look back and realize that I have forgotten about some of the support I’ve received from friends and, honestly, strangers who have become friends.
What has helped are friends who listen, self-care, time spent alone, long autumn walks, and honoring him by doing something he loved. He liked cooking and was very good at it – much better than me! I also spend time with my girls; each death anniversary so far, we’ve stayed home from school and work to spend the day together doing something fun to remember him.
November is tough for me. Just getting through the month is the goal. Again.
Sending you love, courage and strength, your words resonate so much with me, I never thought I’d be a single parent, a widow or a survivor of suicide all at once….does anyone but I am and I am SO THANKFUL that I have a few close friends that say my husbands name, help and support me to keep my husband and the father of my son as a living memory! Keep strong courageous lady 💖
Lisa, thank you for writing this moving piece. Like Dolores, I send you love, courage, and strength. I’m facing the third anniversary of the loss of our youngest son, Noah. In the first photo of your husband, he has an expression on his face that reminds me of Noah’s expression at times–a mixture of patience, love, and foreknowledge of death. Maybe I’m reading too much into it. Thinking of you.
I see the same thing you do. We lost our only child to suicide in 2017, he was 38, and it’s just hard. I think it always will be. I’ll never understand.
Karen, Have you been in touch with The Compassionate Friends, we have found their support amazing. They support Parents & Families who have lost a child, at any age for any reason,
If you are in the USA go to
http://www.thecompassionatefriends.org
If you are in the UK go to
http://www.tcf.org.uk
We lost my amazing Brother Marc to suicide 5 years ago💔
Sending you warm hugs & lots of love from London.
Karen xox 🤗
Yes, November is a very strange month. The Church honors the dead, International Survivors Day (survivors of suicide) occurs a week before Thanksgiving, and ironically I lost my son to suicide November 4, 2017. So, November has become a month that I almost dread. The reminders during November are all too numerous, and potent. May God bless you, and strengthen you and your children.
I lost Mike the following day that same year… November 5. I’m sorry for your loss as well.
My memories of New Year’s Eve of 2016 are pretty much tainted for life….. yes, the first two years are tough. We become the “new normal”. Our lives are forever changed. We somehow manage to survive, and our life goes on. With my third year coming up, I will try to remember the man I loved by lighting a candle and celebrating his life…. not how he died. I salute you and all of us survivors. With the help of the people we love and trust, we will continue to make it through. ❤️
It doesn’t get easier as the years go by……My son, Frank, aged 51, died by suicide in 2010, in November. Suicide is a very difficult death to deal with. There is anguish, guilt, helplessness, anger, and deep deep sadness. It’s hard sometimes to remember the good times, the babyhood, the love, the smiles and laughter, when the awful day presents itself year after year. It helped for me to get into a Suicide Survivor group soon after…….so many of us have had to endure this tragedy in our families. And yet, we go on and on, but life has changed dramatically.
Our son Mike does by suicide on 9/4/17 at age 41 and his birthday is Nov 4th. The fall season is hard for our family .
Pat
I’m so sorry. What more can I say except for hate being a survivor, I hate the survival loss day
It hurts and I won’t be acknowledging it this year
Mother of Kyle April 1st 1984 through June 19th 2014
I understand how you feel, and we all have our own ways of honoring the ones we lost.. for instance, I go through a lot of candles, because I light one every day right next to a photo of my son. I plan to attend the Survivors Day event again this year. I view it as just another way to honor my son.. When I visit his grave, it is another way to honor James, my son. It has been two years since I lost James, and I still see a grief therapist. I do it only to honor my son. I will pray for you, as I pray for myself, and all who’ve lost a loved one to this horrible scourge called suicide.