My husband, LJ, and I spent the day running both personal and volunteer-related errands in the Tri-Cities, about 30 minutes from our house. We stopped at Olive Garden for linner (lunch and dinner) around 2 PM. It was much busier than we expected with lots of families spending quality time together.
My eyes were drawn to a woman with her maybe three or four year old son across the room from us. They were sitting on the same side of the booth completely engaged with one another. They talked, giggled, played with his stuffed animal, and shared their food. There was no electronic device in sight, just pure human connection.
My mind and heart wandered back to the times when Tim and Tom were younger, and I would take them out for dates when I was alone with them during the summer months. Sometimes it was a trip to our local Starbucks; other times we would go out for a sit-down lunch date in our little town or in a larger neighboring one. I always looked forward to those special times and have incredibly happy memories of our adventures together.
This afternoon, as I watched the pair, a sudden sob escaped my soul and startled me, taking me aback and causing LJ to ask what I was experiencing. (How blessed I am that he understands my grief.) By then it was a full-on bawlfest. Although this is not the first time l have surreptitiously and longingly watched families interact, this time it struck me really hard. Tears rolled down my face as I jealously observed them. I wanted to go to her and tell her to hold tightly to these moments because soon he will be grown up.
I am struggling with understanding why this impacted me as such today. Losing Tom does not change the joy I felt spending time with him. If he had lived, would I react this way? It is not that I am unhappy, because I have been blessed with support and love through my grief journey and although my life is different without him, I would not say that I am drowning in sadness as I was when he first died.
I usually write to solve these conundrums and the answers ordinarily work their way from my mind through my fingers and onto the keyboard. Today, an explanation is not coming forthcoming. I invite you to share your thoughts with me.
(C) 2019
I totally understand, I want to tell people all the time to enjoy every minute. Good or Bad. I miss those conversations with my son everyday.
I am grateful for family and friends who help me keep memories of my son close and crisp to my heart.
I replay conversations with my son, and slowly, but surely, they are bringing a smile to my face.
Peace to all who are navigating a loss of a loved one by suicide.
I was in church recently. I struggled to contain my tears when I saw a young fellow in the next pew hug his mother and tell her he loved her. The grief sneaks up on me when I least expect it to happen.
I envy people a lot these days with children especially grand children as we will never have any.. and it reduces me too tears
Is it possible that grief becomes similar to a chronic condition, and when managed can subside, but it’s still in our bodies? Then when a trigger occurs (such as watching a child and mother tenderly enjoying one another) the surge of chemicals and cells that typically fight an awakened acute infection also come to the aid of our grief condition? These super healers might be TEARS that are needed to wash away the grief debris that builds up even when we think we’re doing a good job of managing it. Sort of like getting one’s teach cleaned. We brush and floss and practice good oral hygiene, but sometimes the plaque still builds up and needs to be gently scaled. Just some thoughts….
I love what you have written. It is exactly how I feel.
He was not my son, he was my cousin’s, but he was my first boy. I was 20 when he was born and 55 when I had to stand with dr. to declare him dead. I agree that the tears we shed are necessary. Thank you for sharing your post
“Sort of like getting one’s teeth cleaned….”
To me, your emotional reaction to a “full-on bawlfest” while observing a family’s interactions with each other is a reflection of the following:
~a Mother’s love is profoundly deep, and thus so is her bereavement after the tragic loss of her beloved child. I’ve read that child-loss less than 5 years is still a “fresh wound to the heart”. You’re just under that time frame, I am 2.5 years since losing my only son Ryan,
~those fun outings and beautiful moments with our kiddos when they’re young are just precious and forever priceless gems, they take on a whole new level of specialness and appreciation for having had them with our babies. It just hurts too much knowing -and forcibly accept- that creating new memories had a finite time.
~as you surely know all to well, sudden bursts of tears commonly occurs in the aftermath of child loss, especially of suicide loss, for me it’s tears of love, tears of missing my son so deeply, tears of sadness over a future with him he we’ will never have….
I lost two 20 year olds in 2014. One to homicide and the second eleven months later to suicide. I have felt many different emotions watching young men in that age group. At times anger, jealousy, pain at life continuing without my grandsons. I’m doing better now .but the loss sometimes is more than I can stand. You don’t get over this , you just keep going.
I am a 4 decades long Mental Health Provider and Clinician. I have conducted Complicated Grief Therapy for Homicide and Suicide Loss Survivors .Complicated Grief has many different facets to it Clinically that Uncomplicated Grief does NOT. The dynamics that are involved in Suicide and Homicide Loss for Survivors are so multi-dimensional and all-encompassing, we Suicide and Homicide Loss survivors experience grief in a different way than non Suicide/Homicide Loss Survivors. This is not in anyway to discount the latter’ s grieving from a different kind of loss, but to state the empirical research that has been done on Homicide/Suicide Survivor Loss . Additionally, and with great sadness, I speak from ‘lived experience’ . My grandson, at 18 yrs. old jumped from the Golden Gate Bridge in 2013. I have experienced loss from terminal illness of loved ones, and instant deaths of loved ones(car wreck, brother at 19 yrs. old, and a sister two yrs. ago of smoke inhalation.). There is nothing, but NOTHING…like the grief of losing a loved one by suicide…or homicide. I have not experienced a loss by homicide but the grief dynamics are so similar to suicide grief….the research bears that out. My deep condolences to you Kimberly, and to the grandmother that lost her two grandsons, one to homicide, the other to suicide. Tragic,! My heart goes out to you So! They call grandparents the Forgotten Mourners and this is SO true! That NEEDS to change..,.and I’m working on that! Siblings also used to be called the Forgotten Mourners…and they were! But that is finally changing and I’m so happy about that!!