The infamous, “Why?” Any survivor of a suicide loss knows how a word as simple as, “why” takes on more meaning in the aftermath of a suicide. The word can be consuming as you diligently work to uncover the reason “why” your loved one felt that life was too hard to go on. It’s exhausting. You find a piece of the puzzle only to then realize how many more are missing. There is never a sense of accomplishment. Every answer seems to lead to a new question. It is one of the many things that make the grief process more complicated following a suicide. This is a topic I have written about on a number of occasions. It is something that I struggled with in the aftermath of my dad’s suicide, and something I see everyday in my private practice. Nearly eight years after losing my dad to suicide, I still don’t know THE why. I have created my own why that has made grief manageable. It is a why that I am able to live with, despite knowing that there is no way to prove its validity. Not easy for a gal who likes to understand things, and will admit, likes to be right. Eight years later, revelations still come and I wanted to share my most recent one with an audience who can understand it, and maybe, just maybe, it will offer a little support as you search for or question, “why?”
Majority of our readers know that since losing my dad to suicide, I have built a practice working with others who are grieving. I recently began working with couples, which has strangely offered insights when it comes to the grief process. A partner will verbalize something, and the person on the receiving end hears something completely different than the actual spoken words. It is truly fascinating how our brain can instantly twist and change words to fit a belief that we hold. I was sitting and thinking the other day about what it would be like to be in a couples session, per say, with my dad. How would he twist and alter his experiences? Would I even be able to alter his beliefs or how he interpreted a past event? Simply put, no, I would not be able to. Similar to my work with couples, I can’t make someone feel differently than they do. It is their truth; their way of telling the story. All I can do is help them verbalize their truth to their partner in an effort to feel more connected; more understood.
This is one of the many reasons why we can’t complete their puzzle. We can’t possibly understand their truth. We don’t know how they saw the world, or how they interpreted a situation or event. Even if we could sit in a couple’s session with them, we wouldn’t understand. Because it is their truth, not ours. I can’t say that I accept that, but I guess I can acknowledge it.
I find your commentary very interesting. My own take on ALL that surrounds my 21 year old son’s choice for eternal peace is two fold: first, this was about him, not me and secondly, for me to create any answers to the WHY questions that looms so LARGE within this survivor of suicide loss is, at best speculative and not a productive use of my energy. His choice does not in any way change my feelings and love towards him. So, I have made it a point to not answer the why question when others vocalize it to me and when I hear it in my own head, I dismiss it.
Ive been trying to deal with 3 suicides. My 2 sons and my husband. I get my husbands or should i say I understand. He had stage 3 cancer. Dont know why the boys did as much. One went to war in Iraq and came back a different person and the other had a drug problem (cocaine) and hid it very well. I struggle with not seeing the signs as much as I should have. Thanks for your article
They are suicidal to end their pain the only way they know how, they dont see a way out at that time, the waiting list for help too long, they will never get the person back they love they cant beat that drug addiction ect. whatever the problem is. A lot of people consider suicide selfish and i agree to a point. Selfish comes from the word self-care. and they are taking care of themselves they only way they know how. A lot of people also dont like relying on others. I want you know this comes from someone who has been there and is close to it again, think about the things ive said for real. You guys say youll always be there for someone who is suicidal, but when it goes on for months and years we dont want to be a burdan, it the better choice
This is Why