In today’s post, guest blogger Sheri reflects on the loss of her daughter McKenzie during her birthday month. The content originally appeared on her blog, “2 Mommies of 3.”
Today our oldest daughter should have celebrated her 22nd birthday. Instead, this her third birthday as an angel since her death by suicide in Feb. 2017. Our family will gather and celebrate her birth the way we always have, with a pool party and BBQ. We will eat her favorite foods, share fond memories and feel her spirit there with us. Leading up to this day, however, I have been plagued with “should be” thoughts. Let me explain.
For the first two years after our daughter’s death my mind constantly dragged me into what I call, “The IF Zone.” Thoughts like, “what if she did not die?” “what if she was here for this event” (like her cousins’ weddings or the birth of her cousin’s baby), and the always-present “what if I could see/feel/hug her just one more time?” This kind of thinking brings to light the kind of double-edged sword that a parent lives after the death of their child.
Each and every event or holiday, for them as individuals, is as sad as it is happy. For example, the day of my beautiful niece’s wedding, I was so amazingly proud of our two younger daughters who stood as flower girls. I was incredibly happy for her as a bride and our new nephew. At the same time, however, I was heartbroken at the reality that we will never have this experience with our oldest daughter. I have resigned myself that this is part of the new reality my life has become.
I have noticed that during this second year, I’ve shifted from this mode of thinking.
Recently I have found myself mentally saying, “We should be……” or, “She should be….” when thinking about life events such as weddings, babies and university convocations. Most of our daughter’s friends have convocated from their undergrad degree this year. Some are continuing on to post-graduate programs, planning weddings, or moving……you get the idea – taking the next steps in their lives.
So as my niece spoke of her last year before going on to Teacher’s College, as my nephew turned 20 (now officially older than my daughter was when she died) my thoughts have flipped to, “She should be looking at beginning her Master’s in Physio” or “We should be teasing her about being the next one in the family to be getting engaged and married.” I have wondered why my mind has made this shift and wonder if it is significant. The short answer is, I have no idea. I may simply be rambling on as the only person to ever experience this shift in their thinking, or it may be just another piece of this grief journey that has no rules and no tour-guide.
Today it came to mind that maybe, just maybe, this subtle shift in my thinking means that I have reached a level of acceptance that my “What ifs” will never be possible and now I am looking toward the future instead of wishing I could live in the past.
Maybe my acceptance that my Sunshine will always be with me in spirit, my spirit-daughter I could call her, has allowed me to release my “death-grip” need to feel/hear/see her physical presence in order to keep her in my present.
You see, over the last two-and-a-half years she has shown us, in SO many ways, that she is always with us; heart-shaped rocks and leaves, butterflies, cardinals and her more unique tricks such as flicking lights quickly (even when the light was turned off!!) and tapping us on a shoulder. She was a true believer of spirits who have moved on being able to communicate with loved ones here in our physical form. When anyone asks, I tell them that I know she is with me 100%!
So, what does this all mean?! I am not sure, but, I know that I feel different. Will my double-edged sword be less sharp? No way. And I would never want that sword to become dull. It is just part of the deal when we become parents. We love unconditionally for as long as we live, not just as long as our child(ren) live. I don’t remember who first said this but the deeper you love someone the deeper you grieve when they die.
Well, my love for our daughter continues to grow each and every day so my grief will continue to deepen. And you know what? I am okay with that. ♥
The “If Zone” and “Should Be’s” of Grief
BECKY | AUGUST 25, 2019
I read this post and it moved me. Thank you for sharing. I am grieving a loved one who passed by suicide as well. He would have graduated from college two years ago and his girlfriend stated they talked of an engagement. He He had a great internship and was going to be offered a full time position with the firm. He loved deeply, yet I try to understand how this could have happened. I wonder what he would be doing. I will not see him graduate from college nor will I dance with him at his wedding. Nor will I ever hug him again. The pain from this lose does not seem to lighten. My only consolation is that his suffering has ended. Whatever pain he was experiencing is past. I pray for him each day and for all souls who have been lost to suicide. I an in two support groups and have witnessed this same pain that I live with each and every day. I will never be who I was, yet I strive to become kinder, softer and gentler. My family and I try to fill buckets each day in his name and for God. Somehow we need some good to come from our loss. He and I used to sign our texts FAB for fill a bucket. So, everyday when I pray I ask that we fill a bucket for him and for God and for courage, strength and hope. I miss him every minute of every day. It has been three years. I understand every word you have written and wish you peace. Your daughter is an angel and yes, her spirit is with you always. I touch my heart every day and that is where I find him! Forever.
Kathy,
Thank you for sharing your story. I love that you and your family fill buckets in his memory every day. I know in my heart that he looks down with amazing pride in each of you. I find it comforting, most days, to know that I grieve so deeply because my love for her runs so deep.
Blessings,
Sheri
Thank you for sharing. Blessings!
Blessings to you and your loved ones Fran