In the wake of losing her son Tom to suicide, guest author Kimberly Starr has devoted her life to suicide prevention and is an advocate for survivors. Her post is a much-needed reminder that even if we don’t hear it from others, the lives and deaths of our loved ones leave a lasting impression. Most people don’t know how or when to bring up a memory for fear of “reminding” us of our loss. We all know that it’s not possible to forget and it can be comforting to know others haven’t, either.
Not Forgotten, by Kimberly Starr
One of my teaching colleagues, who was also one of Tom’s high school teachers, recently stopped me in the hall. She said that over the weekend she had decided to wear the scarf she wore to Tom’s memorial service. This reminded her of the beauty of the service and how much she appreciated learning there about the three kittens Tom bottle fed the summer before he passed.
She also said she wished there was an invisible connection that anytime someone thinks of Tom I would somehow get a notification – like a feeling of warmth in my heart – so I could know the reach of his impact and how he still lives on in hers and others’ memories. I started crying in the hallway as she spoke, moved that even three years after his death, she still thinks of him fondly.
Tom’s graduating class lost four class members in four years. Almost two years ago, colorful rubber bracelets were made and sold to help raise money for a memorial to honor their memory. I was given one and wore it for a long time. Eventually, because I did not want people to judge me for wearing it for so long after Tom’s death, I took it off and placed it on a shelf in our Toffice with other special Tom-related items. (We converted Tom’s bedroom into an office that we like to refer to as “The Toffice.”)
A day after talking with my colleague, I was in our local Shopko Hometown store. As the young checker was ringing up my items, I noticed she was wearing one of the bracelets. I pointed to the yellow part of the band with Tom’s name and said, “This is my son.”
“I know,” she replied. I did not know or recognize her, but she knew me, and she knew Tom. I told her how much it meant to me she still wears the bracelet. She explained she was good friends with Molly, one of the other teens whose name was etched on the bracelet. She spoke of Molly with admiration and thankfulness. It was truly a lovely and heartfelt moment.
I still feel our loss every day, even though the tears do not always flow. One of my greatest fears is that Tom will be forgotten. His teacher and this checker both reminded me he is not.
I could not help my eyes tearing up as I thanked the checker for remembering our losses. She leaned over the counter and hugged me, saying, “I will never forget.” In that emotion-laden moment, I was not able to communicate the incredible hope I found in her words.
© 2018 Kimberly A. Starr
I love this post so much. I lost my 20 year old to suicide and share the fear of him being forgotten. I’ve tried to educate people through the years that it’s ok to bring him up…even if it brings tears. Thank you for writing this.
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for writing this piece.It brought tears to my eyes and I you articulated so well how I feel over the loss of my life partner Steve to suicide in 2015.
I had a similar situation to yours when I brought some of Steves’s memoirs to a local book store, a place that is over 60 miles from where Steve and I lived together. The employee’s jaw dropped when she saw the memoir was about Steve. She shared with me that she had taken one of Steve’s swim clinics several years prior and that she was so thankful to have met him and she learned so much from him that still helps with her swimming . It made my day. Of course I cried, but hearing that someone remembered Steve and the impact he had on her meant so much to me.
It feels so good to know others do not forget out kids. That is such a heart warming story.
Thank you for sharing this. I lost my son to suicide 4 months ago and I always have the fear of Clint being forgotten😔💔
I lost my son to suicide at 19. It hasn’t been a year yet.
Our hearts are broken. I am concerned that he will be forgotten. It means so much when people reach out..
Thank you for posting.
This is beautiful and although I am still in the acute early stages of grief after the loss of my beautiful daughter Beth to suicide 6 weeks ago, my greatest overwhelming fear is she will be forgotten and everyone will forget her. Thank you so much for this it brings me some comfort. Karen x
My 22 year old beautiful, vibrant, magnetic son took his life in October 2019. I love it when people share a memory or say Charlie’s name. I lets me know that he is not forgotten.
I love for friends to bring up Courtney’s name…and when someone asks how many children I have, the answer always includes her. Never forgotten…always loved.
It’s 45 years since we lost our mum through suicide. There’s very few people left now that remember her. My brother hasn’t forgiven me for not telling him that our little sister became suicidal but begged me not to worry him. I respected her wishes but when she completed suicide 10 years ago it caused a rift between us. It’s sad that I am one of the few people who still ‘says their names’. I am not ashamed of either of them and I will continue to talk about them until it’s time for me to join them x
I lost my beautiful son, Darren, to Suicide. There is no greater pain. He was a loving, funny unique man and I love and miss him every single day. RIP x