When the shock of my father’s suicide began to wear off, I became a rambling mess. My brain was on overdrive as I worked to process the events that had occurred a few short months prior. As I worked to sort out what had happened in my life, a common response surfaced. Over and over I was told, “There is nothing you could have done.” Reflecting back on what I can remember of those days (they all seem a little blurry), I know that this response was intended to make me feel better. Problem was, it made me feel worse. Each time I heard it, I became angrier and angrier. The anger led to isolation, which can be detrimental after a tragic loss. We don’t know much about grief, but we do know, we don’t grieve well alone. In an effort to educate others, I wanted to share my insights related to why this statement has a negative impact on those who have recently experienced a suicide loss.
- Stop trying to fix it. Statements such as, “There is nothing you could have done” doesn’t stimulate conversation, it blocks it. A person begins to feel a sense of shame every time they bring up their pain. This statement often leads to additional statements such as, “You have got to move on” or “Stop torturing yourself.” Why continue to talk when everyone around you keeps telling you to stop feeling what you are feeling? If you really want to help a person in pain, allow them to feel it. Don’t try and take away. All you will do is drive them away.
- It gives us a sense a control. While I didn’t realize it at the time, I now understand that believing I could have done something to change the outcome provided me with a sense of control. In the aftermath of a suicide loss, your entire world is wiped out. Everything you knew to be true about yourself, others and the world no longer fits in this new world. In the angst of my loss, trying to figure out what I could have done different allowed me to take back a piece of control that was lost the minute my father took his life. More importantly, if I could figure this out I could also prevent this from happening again. Please stop trying to take that away.
- This isn’t about you, it’s about me. I have come to realize that we say things like, “There is nothing you could have done” because we ourselves feel helpless and out of control. Seeing someone you love in pain is one of the most difficult things to experience. Every part of our being wants to take that pain away. Don’t let your own discomfort with someone’s pain, impact how you support someone who has lost a loved one to suicide. That doesn’t mean that you have to consistently be their sounding board. There is only so much we can handle from a support perspective. Watching a friend or family member in pain is completely different than sitting with a client in pain. I am able to acknowledge those limitations. Do not allow your own discomfort to impact the support needed by someone who has recently experienced a suicide loss.
Seven and a half years later, I know that there were number of things that I could have done to potentially (key word here) change the outcome. What I have come to accept is that majority of those I wouldn’t have wanted for my dad. The things that I would have done differently were for me, not him. Truth is, there isn’t one thing that I could have done differently. To change the outcome would have meant that I had to change him. I would have had to change the person he was, and the experiences that he had. I would have had to have full control over every aspect of him. I am able to acknowledge that as a human being, I do not have that kind of power. Let me reiterate that I had to come to that conclusion. So please, stop telling others, “There is nothing you could have done.” Don’t take that away, because sometimes that belief is the only thing you have left to hang on to.
Two and a half years in and I continue to review in my head the days leading up time husbands suicide. My person , the one who spent all those years of constant companionship with me , did what!? It seems incredulous to this day . No one says the correct things . We are angry and in a grief so complicated . It’s hard to move , to function . I am isolated , so I understand when you say it would be better to have close friends . My close friend was my husband. Support groups have saved me . Thank you … your supportive articles mean the world to my lost soul.
Excellent post! This blog is so helpful to so many people. I often refer my clients to take a look, particularly if someone they love(d) has completed suicide. Thank you.
This is such a helpful article! I had never looked it at this way. All I know is that I do indeed hang onto the conviction that I could have done something to prevent my son’s suicide from happening. I walk around with this heavy load of guilt, like a load of bricks I have on my back. Now I see a little glimmer of understanding – maybe it is partly my attempt to have some kind of control over this horrible, numbing loss. I will start to rethink this. Thank you for writing this.
I make allowances for those who mean well but dont always say the “right thing” out of love for me they make an effort to comfort me. It may be totally innapropriate but they are steppping out of their comfort zone just to make me feel better. How can I feel falt in that?
As a suicide loss survivor I learned much from the American Association of suicidology, the American foundation for suicide prevention, SPAN, and SAVE. We are not alone in our grief. It us important for professionals to learn about postvention.
I think it is important to remember that most people who die by suicide do not want to die, they just want an ending to their overwhelming pain. When we learn all we can about suicide what we find is that many of those who die in this manner are in a crisis. Most who have made attempts that have failed have been relieved that they were thwarted. On websites like The Mighty, there are survivors who talk about the myriad ways that helped them get through the crisis. For some on the verge of suicide it was the simplest of things; a phone call, a visit, a text. There was an article written by someone depressed who in a moment of crisis, drove to the gun shop to purchase a gun to end his life, only to find that the gun shop had closed. He was never more thankful. There is the story of the man who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge who said he knew the instant he let go of the rail that it was a mistake! He lived to tell about his state of mind and help others. When the most lethal and expedient means are unavailable this helps to buy time, which in itself has proven to be lifesaving!
Most of those who end their lives must go against the hard wired instinct for survival that is in all of us. Depression affects the chemicals in the brain. Insomnia, anxiety, personality disorders, sudden loss, PTSD, are just a few of the factors that affect the brain and alter the decision making process, leaving those afflicted literally out of their right minds! Their minds have been hi-jacked and compromised. Another example online was a woman who had been drinking a lot and argued with her boyfriend and took his gun and went out to a nearby ditch and shot herself in the head. She lived and had to have reconstructive surgery.
It helps people to think that nothing could have been done, and to feel relieved of any responsibility. Perhaps there may be some truth in that for some who try repeatedly and fail after attempting relief through antidepressants and therapy and hospitalizations, but many never make it that far.
The reason we talk about suicide awareness ( a term that is far less loaded than the word prevention) is that there are things that CAN be done. The difficulty is that those contemplating suicide often feel shame and don’t want to worry others with their suicidal thoughts, or may not understand the thoughts themselves. . Other times, suicidal ideation can come on hard and fast. Studies have shown a high percentage impulsively decide to end their lives in five minutes or less. Knowing who will die by suicide is hard even for therapists and medical personnel. Continued research on the Neurochemical connection in the brain is helping us to see that the state of the brain of those contemplating suicide is vastly different from other brains. Knowledge will help us moving forward. There are always things we can do to help, even if we can’t always prevent suicide.
Thank you for saying exactly what so many think. We need to be able validate our feelings and not have people tell us how we should be feeling. Unless somebody has been affected by this they have no idea of the pain we have.
Even after almost three years people still tell me the same “there is nothing you could have done” and its “not your fault”. It just brings more guilt to you as a person because you should have known you just missed the signs and still carry around the guilt. You always sit down and think back I should have, I would have, if I had, if I hadn’t. A small thing perhaps would have made a difference. People who have not gone through it do not understand, they never will know the pain and emptiness and guilt you feel after losing a loved one. Thank you for posting this…it just makes the situation worse and I tend to not tell my story, to not hear the same response over and over again.
Awesome post. So hard to live with the regret
Of a final conversation with my sister. I was busy with my family at dinner for my daughters birthday. Wish I could do that day over. Just thought she was being dramatic. Put my phone away trying to not be a hypocrite by texting through dinner. Trying to be present. In the moment. The next morning when I looked back through her messages… she was 20 minutes late for brunch and I knew she was gone.
9years since my dad left us and it was like I’d written this myself! Thanks
Thank you for this article, it is very insightful and illustrates the same feelings I had after the loss of my dad to suicide. I fluctuated between playing out situations and my role in our relationship, or the feeling that everybody has a certain fate without any control over it. Healing has happened in the past couple of years and the roller coaster isn’t that extreme anymore. Thank you for this website and all the resources you provide.
Once I saw an adult dragging a young child by the collar towards the bathroom in a large amusement park. The adult was yelling, “What is the matter with you?”. It was quite evident the child had an upset stomach. He was vomiting. Nothing the child could control. Suicide is a symptom of many different kinds of mental and physical disorders, a reaction to medication, brain injuries, environmental conditions, spiritual conditions and many other things. People don’t purposely “take their own life”. The psychological, physical, environmental or spiritual causes of suicide become severe and the person can not control the symptom any more. Just like the young child could not control the symptoms of whatever was bothering him. People get so terribly sick they are unable to control the symptoms (suicide, migraines, asthma, high blood pressure, heart disease, cancer). No one should ever be blamed for not being able to prevent suicide.