You have permission to grieve a suicide loss

While we never wish for anyone to relate to the reflections we share about suicide loss, this blog gives us an opportunity to connect with survivors from all walks of life and in many corners of the world. Suicide loss is traumatic and complicated. And because of that, the accompanying grief journey is also complex.

Suicide is shocking. It feels like a rug was pulled out from under you – at best. Suicide loss often comes without warning, answers or closure. It’s impossible to explain or rationalize. Survivors may wonder if there was anything they could have done to prevent it, and unfortunately sometimes they shoulder guilt that they weren’t able to.

No matter your specific situation or proximity of your relationship to the person who took their life, one thing is clear. You have permission to grieve.

This is particularly important to understand if someone died by suicide and you are questioning your place along the grief journey relative to your connection.

When Grief Feels Complicated

• If you weren’t in touch for a while. It doesn’t matter if you last spoke a week ago or decades ago. Losing someone to suicide is jarring and the passage of time does not mean a loss will feel any less difficult. You may struggle with enhanced feelings of guilt over not achieving reconciliation or closure.
• If you were on rocky terms. In some cases, the days, weeks and months before a loved one dies by suicide are tough on relationships. There can be arguing, tough conversations, a break up, feelings of rejection or other factors that no one would have ever imagined would end with a loved one taking their life. You are allowed to grieve no matter your standing.
• If you were separated (or even moved on). If you lost an ex or were still figuring out your relationship, you are not expected to push those feelings aside. This individual played a very important role in your life. This scenario can be one of the most challenging. New partners may not understand the desire to grieve. Many bereaved readers also explain feeling boxed out by the family of the loved one. Suicide is hard because we feel the need to arrive at an answer that feels easier to accept than depression. That can often mean directing it toward other people.
• If it was a friend. We use the term “loved one,” and friends can certainly fall within that category. You may feel excluded from the grieving process as the family takes time to find their way through the loss. Legally and medically, you aren’t privy to answers or access immediate family members receive. However, this person held a special place in your heart and life and they are no longer there as your go-to. A piece of you is missing with their passage.
• If it was a distant relative. Many companies offer a brief three-to-five-day bereavement policy. This could be even less if the individual was not an immediate family member. Again, due to the extremely traumatic and shocking way that suicide occurs and affects us, it is understandable that you’d need more time to digest what has happened before going back to regular work duties.
• If the person was “old.” There’s a common sentiment that loss may be less difficult at an older age because “at least they lived a full life.” Unlike other causes of death, suicide is deeply painful because it was unexpected and often violent. It’s hard to accept this of any age group.
• If it was someone you knew of or perhaps weren’t acquainted with at all. This could be a community member, a business leader, television personality or a popular celebrity. Learning that anyone has died by suicide is unsettling. Many of these people were beloved and appeared to “have it all.” We thought we knew them based on their public persona. Perhaps we held them in high regard because we find life to be a tough road, but they made it look easy and this was inspiring. It can be disappointing to learn that someone who was on top of the world was struggling behind the scenes. We also feel for their families. (Here are some tips for talking to survivors.) 
• If you knew and accepted this loss was a possibility. Some survivors of suicide loss made peace with the wishes of their loved one. While they are not affected as deeply by the manner of death, it is still hard to lose a person and miss the presence they had.

Along with this, grief has no timeline. Many survivors of suicide loss feel they should cycle through grief within a certain period of time. This is a unique process for everyone. I’ve learned over the past seven years that grief doesn’t go away. Rather, it evolves.

Do you relate to any of these scenarios?

Related posts:

Coping When a Loved One is Battling Mental Illness Secondary Loss after a Suicide Loss after Losing my Dad to Suicide Wrestling With Hope after Suicide Loss