The holiday season can be a difficult time for those who have lost a loved one to suicide. The cards that feature happy (and complete) families, the upbeat carols everywhere you go, the memories of holidays past, are just a few of the things that magnify the pain of a suicide loss. I have had several people tell me that the only thing they want to do is hibernate until it is over. Unfortunately, hibernating is often not a choice. What can we do to minimize the pain?
First, we must acknowledge that it is there. There is simply no way to avoid the memories, or pretend they are not there. In fact, this often makes it worse. Have you ever tried to go on a diet? Funny how the cravings become somewhat unbearable when you are trying to eat well. Pain works the same way; trying to avoid it often makes it worse. Acknowledge the pain and allow it to guide you to a place of connection. Finding a way to connect with our loved ones during the holiday season is the best thing we can do for our self and our pain.
Recently, we asked our Facebook group to share how they connect with their loved ones. A few of their responses are below. I have also included a few stories of connection from my personal experience as well.
“My mother had so many beautiful Christmas ornaments and they will now hang on our tree every year”
“I re-wrapped the last gift he gave me for Christmas that year and I place it under the tree from him. I also still place our personalized ornaments together at the top of our tree.”
“I made myself a Christmas stocking from one of my sons’ shirts. We also still use some of his ornaments on our tree. I buy my kids an ornament each year, so that when they leave home, they’d already have ornaments for their own tree. I never dreamed we’d be left with my sons’ ornaments for our own “tree of memories.”
“I made a homemade Christmas stocking for him and my granddaughter too. Last year all the other grandkids got one, so this year Jacob and Emily Ruth will have their stocking hung too in remembrance. Plus, last year he didn’t come with us…. this year his Spirit has to come.”
“Light candles.”
“We have an ornament. It’s engraved with his name and has the lifeline dates.”
“I’ll be making my brothers favorite dishes. I also got a tattoo for him.”
“Thanksgiving was my son’s favorite holiday and so that is our most difficult one. We set a place for him at the table and light a candle and that way we feel like we include him and his sweet spirit. For Christmas we have specific ornaments on the tree for him and include all the homemade ornaments he made as a child.”
“My brother loved Charlie Brown. We put up a Charlie Brown tree in his honor along with a Peanuts Nativity.”
“The first Christmas I rejected the entire thing, but for the parts I had to participate in I made my son a seat at the table with a full setting and his ashes in his place. Last year for the first time ever I got a tree and decorated it just for my son. I light candles for him and our other family members now gone so he is wrapped in their light and yet it is still a difficult day I’d rather avoid.”
Additionally, …
A mother purchases a special tree for her daughter. The only ornaments on the tree, are the ones that she gave her every year of her life. Through teary eyes, she hangs each ornament, remembering the story behind each one.
Another mother struggled to remember her son when he was young, as the memories of his life felt too painful. She now goes to the store and purchases gifts that her son would have liked as a child. Her and her husband donate the toys to families in need. The couple spends time talking about why their son would have loved the toy. Again, through teary eyes they remember the boy they lost.
A daughter sets a place for her father at the table. His favorite part of the meal was the gravy. She fills a gravy boat and places it in front of where he would have sat. Through laughter you hear stories of a man that meant so much to them.
A husband sits with his kids, watching “White Christmas,” a movie that his wife watched religiously every holiday season. They spend time talking about how terrible the movie is, laughing as they try and figure out why she loved it so much.
A daughter visits her dad’s grave, bringing memorabilia from the university she now attends. She tells him stories of her first semester away, longing for him to have been there when she moved in.
The only commonality in the above stories, is they allowed themselves to feel the pain. We often think that we either must be happy or sad. We don’t have to choose; we can be both. Allow the pain to guide you to a connection with the one you lost this holiday season. Help others connect with their loved one this holiday season by sharing stories below.
