The holiday season can be among the most difficult times of year for survivors of suicide loss, particularly the newly bereaved who are facing the first occasions without a loved one. As I can attest, the first year or two are debilitating. We take each day minute-by-minute. Our blog is all about sharing real stories. Guest blogger Kim Demirjian who has lost two family members to suicide – returns to share a deeply personal perspective on how she is feeling this time of year.
Today, I am not thankful.
Today, I am not feeling thankful. In a season of thankfulness, counting your blessings and claiming the infinite amount of good in your life, I find myself rolling my eyes at these comments. Recently, I received an email that encouraged everyone in my work department to look back at the past year and identify moments that made us thankful in our personal and professional lives. Great. Another one of those. I continued to read to make sure I didn’t miss an important work-related announcement, but what I found was an encouragement to find a way to be thankful even during the rough times of the past year. It even said, “maybe you are just thankful you survived.”
At this point, I had to walk away from my computer. Livid wouldn’t grasp the emotions that I felt but it was pretty close, minus the crippling grief that was settling in during this holiday season of Thanksgiving and Christmas.
To be honest, I know that I have things to be thankful for, and yes, I know that I should look at the positive aspects of my life. But for those of us who have suffered through intense tragedy, we all know the same truth – thankfulness is hard to come by during the holiday season.
I started to examine the past year of my life. This time last year, my uncle was still alive. He had not been taken away by his mental illness and choice to take his own life. It had only been a few months since I had seen my grandfather alive, not in a casket after his suicide. While the cloud of darkness was present at the family holiday gatherings, we were all still trying to hold it together. Then, the year progressed. My uncle took his own life four days after Christmas and three days before the turn of the new year.
I sat in my grandparent’s house on New Year’s Eve with my remaining family members looking for pictures of my uncle for his funeral. That’s how I rang in 2018.
I bought a house around Thanksgiving of last year, and our pipes froze during the week of my uncle’s funeral. The estate of my uncle and grandfather is a giant legal battle that continues to drag on. My immune system has taken a hit from the amount of stress and grief that I carry on a daily basis, and illness has been a careful tug-of-war for me. I have moments where all I do is sit and think about the events that transpired and how each decision impacted the final outcome.
So, if I was going to play along with the thankful and joyful game, here it is. I’m thankful there have been a few days that I haven’t wept uncontrollably. I’m thankful that I can hold my tears in until I reach the bathroom or my vehicle, so others don’t know how difficult this time is. I’m thankful for the ability to express my grief and anger with others. I’m willing to bet that my thankful list looks a little different than most.
But, I refuse to say that I am thankful for the time I had with my grandfather and uncle because I am selfish. That time was cut short, and I wanted more. I refuse to say I am finding a silver lining in everything that has happened because there isn’t one.
Finally, I refuse to say that I am thankful that I survived the year. Some days, death feels much easier than living through the grief and consequences of suicide loss. Is that to say I am suicidal? No. However, I do not fear death, because there are things in life that are much worse than death.
So today, I am not thankful. I am not joyful. I am doing my best to survive through this holiday season.
Thank you very much for taking the time to share the EXACT way I am feeling after the loss of my sister in February, 2018. I am sure there are many others who can relate as well. I am so very sorry for your losses and hope the knowledge that you are not alone is of comfort.
Kim, wow, your words ring true my emotions. We lost our son on 3-17-2018 to suicide and my father-in-law on Thanksgiving to cancer. The year has been horrible – absolutely horrible – but I try to remain positive for my other kids – and that is a travesty all by itself. Hugs and prayers for you Kim. I am afraid I am numb and all I want to do is sleep at this point, but bawling comes too.
Kim, I am sorry for your losses and feel your post down to my bones. While this is my 3rd Christmas w/out my son, the pain is still visceral. I bowed to my family to “do” Christmas, but want everything brand new with no memories attached. Please take care of yourself.
I lost by boyfriend on January 24, 2018 to suicide. If it weren’t for my kids, I may not have made it this far. This wass my first Thanksgiving since it happened, and I cringed every time someone said or texted or emailed “Happy Thanksgiving!” or asked about my plans. Holidays are so hard when you’re alone or feel alone. His death left a huge hole in my heart and in my life and I am not thankful.
Kim, Thank you for sharing your feelings honestly. I’m sure it was difficult. I can relate to how you feel and I’m sure others feel the same way. You are not alone . I’m so sorry for your loses. A friend told me 2 1/2 years ago to be gentle with myself. Please take care.
I’ve been reading a lot of folks comments on their feelings, after such a tragic loss……
….And I hear you. I lost my mate of 40yrs to suicide right in front of me. What bothers me the most is flashbacks. I hesitated on posting anything, and am still uncomfortable talking about it. Maybe at another time I will/can open up more.
Thank you
Carmen – Thank you for your bravery to comment. Take as much time as you need. I have found that this community will be here with open arms to cradle you and your heart when you feel ready. We’re here for whatever you need, when you need it.
Love, Kim
Thank you Kim for being so honest about your feelings. I share them as well as I lost my son in February of this year. He was only 20 and everyday is such a struggle I miss him so much. I am sorry for your losses and will be thinking of you and others who have lost their precious love ones to the awful disease of suicide. Take care.
Thank you Kim for your absolute honesty. I love that this is a place of sharing, acceptance and support and hope but there are many times (5 years after my husband died from suicide) that THIS is what you feel after losing someone to suicide. Those times do get farther apart though and are faster to pass. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Your willingness to be vulnerable and express the way you honestly feel at this moment is so much more healing (in the long run) than faking a smile and putting thankfulness bandaids on your pain. Self-care over a considerable period of time usually softens the edges of grief, but nothing makes it go away. Each person must find their own way in their own time and I wish you the best. I understand.
Thank you for your honesty! I am so sorry that you feel that way, but I totally understand and get it. We are on the same path and most days makes you wander. I hope in whatever way it can, that it gets better.
My husband and I recently divorced but were still best friends. He took his life on 6/29/2018 a few hours after we had dinner and planned to get together on July 4th, His birthday was on 11/22/2018, He left no will and now his family is trying to take my home of 20 years away from me. This is the worst holiday ever. I have to remain positive because I have a new job but its hard
Beth – I HATE this for you. My family is continuing to battle through this courts over estate issues. Greed brings out the worst in others, and unfortunately greed is discovered during periods of grief after a death. Sending you hugs and hope the chaos will settle down to give you time to truly grieve.
Thank-you for this. Your words resonate as it is EXACTLY how I am feeling this year after losing my Dad to suicide February 7th of this year. It’s absolutely brutal.
Jessica -My heart breaks for you during this holiday season (and every other day). I wish I had the words to take the pain away, rather than letting you relate. Take care of yourself during this time, and don’t force yourself to put on the fake smile or attend social events. Sending you hugs and love!
I understand, well as much as one can understand past their own struggles. I hate the Holidays, and wonder how did we ever get here. Good byes hurt the worst when story was not finished. You keep your composure thru the work day, and then by chance if you have an off day, some people are just flabber gassed that you’re upset about your mother killing herself 2 yrs ago. Like its old news to them when it is something that replays in your head and heart everyday. But they are so heart broken over the tiniest trials in their life…. I have found my tolerance of people and their perspective on things is virtually non existence. Even my own husband seems shocked that I miss my parents during the holidays as they both passed way too early causing the other to head down the slippery path of depression she could not come back from. My own husband who was so selfish about the holidays doesn’t get it. Like oh well, now we don’t have to fight about the holidays and where we will go because its only his family left. I cant pull my self out of the hate for the holidays and it makes you feel even worse…and round and round we go.