The holiday season can be a difficult time for those who have been touched by suicide. For me, the holidays are a reminder of my own dad’s suicide. I will never forget the phone conversation I had with my dad the night before Thanksgiving, 2011. He wasn’t himself; something just wasn’t right. While a month would pass before his life ended, I often consider that night to be the turning point in his life. For a survivor of a suicide loss, the holidays can be a reminder of “the last time.” While I have a number of joyful memories, there is also that memory of my dad’s last Thanksgiving. I never expected it to be his last. In an effort to assist others who may be struggling with the upcoming holiday, I have put together a survival list. I hope that one or two will allow you to experience happiness this Thursday.
1. Tell your friends and family what you need. I have found this one to be the most difficult for survivors of a suicide loss. I think we expect people to do more than they are capable of. Unfortunately, suicide makes people uncomfortable. Nobody knows what to do or say, leaving the survivor feeling isolated or even worse, judged. We need to teach our loved ones how to act. How do we do this? By telling them what we need. “I need to talk about _____ today.” “I need to cry, and I don’t want you to try to make me feel better. Just listen.” “I need to take some time for myself.” I can’t emphasize this enough. TELL PEOPLE WHAT YOU NEED. Trust me, it will be easier for them AND you will get what you need.
2. Be Selfish! Yes, seriously! We often try to do everything and be everything for those around us. When do we make time for ourselves? We need to take care of ourselves, first and foremost. Do what you need to do for yourself today. If you want to skip the holiday, skip the holiday. If you want to go visit your loved ones’ grave, go visit. Do what you need to do. Just remember survival tip #1, and communicate why you need to do what you are doing.
3. Start a new tradition or tweak the old ones. Holidays can be difficult for a number of reasons, but traditions can send us spiraling down to the depths of a black hole. Traditions remind us that our loved ones are no longer with us. Often we don’t want to continue with the tradition because ____ should be here. Traditions are for us, and our families. There is no rule that says you need to continue one. If past traditions make you sad, stop doing them, or change them. Just because your loved one isn’t here in physical form, doesn’t mean they can’t be a part of it. Or, start a new tradition. It is never to late to start a new tradition.
4. Incorporate your loved one into the day. As a society we have created this notion that relationships end when the person’s life ends. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Relationships don’t end; they just change. I have a friend who lost her father to suicide a few years back. She continues to incorporate her father into the day, but setting a place for him at the table. Since gravy was his favorite Thanksgiving “accessory,” they put a gravy bowl in front of his plate. While he isn’t there in physical form, he is there in spirit. Her friends and family spend time talking about her father, often laughing at all of the wonderful times they spent together. Were her friends and family comfortable with this? Not initially, but she followed survival tip #1 and told them that this is what she needed. Now, it has become a new tradition.
5. Find something to be thankful for. Truly, there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for. Maybe you are thankful that the sun is shining, or you woke up actually feeling refreshed. Maybe you are thankful that guests cancelled, or that someone offered to bring a dish. Finding something, no matter how small, to be thankful for can instantly change our mindset and our mood.
6. Start the day off right. This is different for everyone, but for me its all about music. If I want to change my mindset, I listen to music while I shower or get ready. There are certain songs that just put me in a good mood. Pray. Give yourself a pep talk. Talk to the person you lost (or yell at them!). Do whatever you need to do to start the day off right. We often wake up thinking, “this is going to be an awful day.” And guess what, it is. Not necessarily because of anything in
particular, but because we went into the day with that mindset. Do anything and everything you can do to go into the day with a positive mindset. I promise it will help, and definitely will make survival tip #5 easier.
7. Don’t try to numb yourself. Yes, a glass of wine can help ease your nerves. But five, well that will make you feel even worse tomorrow. We often do whatever we can to numb ourselves on days like Thanksgiving. While it might get us through the day, it makes the next day, and even multiple days after even more difficult. Do yourself a favor and allow yourself to be present. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it tomorrow.
8. Don’t let others control your day. We give WAY too much power to those around us. Someone may say something incredibly rude or inconsiderate. It is not a personal attack on you, or the person you lost. They are just ignorant. I have wasted a tremendous amount of energy trying to change people. It is a battle that cannot be won. Save your energy for those that truly matter. Your great Aunt is who she is; let it go. Don’t let her comments, or any others control your day. I am not telling you to allow others to say what they please; I am just telling you to pick your battles. Some people just aren’t worth your breath. Accept that, and focus your time and energy on the ones that mean the most. And hey, maybe even be thankful for those few.
9. Manage expectations for yourself and others. If we don’t ask for what we need, we can’t expect others to respond how we need. We often expect the day to go poorly, or decide that we have failed if we experience sadness. Guess what, you can be sad and still find enjoyment in the day. Sadness does not cancel out happiness. We often expect ourselves not to be sad, and when we do, we believe we have failed. We did not fail at anything other than having too high of expectations for ourselves.
We wish you all a peaceful holiday. There are few who can say that they understand; unfortunately, we do. The day might not be easy, or maybe it will be easier than you thought. Either way, I hope my list of survival tips helps you find some enjoyment in the day. Be kind to yourself.
Thank you. This is just what I needed to read. Happy Holidays to you
Another awesome article Jessica!
Thanks,
Kimberle
Thank you. What you have written is incredibly helpful. Being kind to ourselves is perhaps the most helpful for me.
I am sorry about the loss of your dad. But..every situation is different. I lost two brother in laws and several friends to this awful death and while I was able to recover being closer to the God I so love..this is NOT a simple step by step do this situation. Reading your article made me realize that no one can tell others how to be after a suicide, especially when the people involved are not you. Perhaps knowing too much about life after death does not make this easier..one is marked for the rest of their life because knowledge and knowing God in this means we may never see them again…it is a reality….but it is what it is..
This is the first Thanksgiving without my older brother who died this past August. Even though it had been years since he and I had celebrated together as we both had our own families and we lived 1,000+ miles away from each other, the pain of knowing that he is no longer with us brings so much pain and sadness. As my sister said in her Thanksgiving card to me, “It’s hard to feel festive.” I feel like the life has been sucked out of my body and in its shell is a broken-hearted child who misses her big brother as if we were back in time celebrating the holidays as elementary and high school kids back in the 70s. The shock has not worn off; I still cannot believe he is no longer here. You are right about voicing what we need and being selfish — everyday is a struggle and it is easy to drown in one’s own misery. The tension within my own home has been hard to navigate as I just want to crawl into bed sometimes and not have to deal with my child and stepchildren. Luckily, I finally voiced to my husband that I needed him to take stuff off my plate and get the kids more involved in helping out too. It won’t last forever–both my needs to be helped and the help actually happening–but right now it feels good to be taken care of by even the simple task of someone making dinner for me and cleaning up afterwards. One day at a time.
Thank you for such a helpful read. This week is unexpectedly weighing me down, thinking about the second thanksgiving without my dad. During the first round of holidays without him, his absence was still raw. And now, it has really set in. I chose my favorite tradition of his to carry on, and the rest will go as it goes. Wishing you all a peaceful, blessed holiday.
Bless you, Jessica. You find words where I often can’t. You will be in my prayers and gratitude, especially on Thursday.
Thank you for this article, Jessica. I look forward to reading each and every contribution as they have been very helpful to me through this painful journey,
If I may tag onto the comments made by Karoline, only to agree to the point that every situation is different, including losing a brother-in-law is not the same as losing a sister, or a dad, mom, nephew, niece or a child. This is not to say there is more or less suffering or pain assigned to any relationship but to agree to the point that yes, everyone’s situation and journey is different and no, it’s not a simple process.
To the comment and reference to God, which sadly isn’t discussed much, I respectfully disagree and will add my own thoughts and beliefs. Just as everyone’s situation is different, everyone’s relationship with God is different. This includes me and my trust and faith in God’s mercy to ALL who believe in Him, including those who have died by suicide, those who’ have lost loved ones to suicide and those who pass judgement on others, which all humans are guilty of in one form or other. I don’t agree with “this means we may never see them again…”it is what it is”.” Do I know for certain? No.. What I do know for certain is, God is all knowing and He is more than we as humans can ever comprehend, understand or imagine. For this I am thankful.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. –Proverbs 3:5-6
Thanksgiving especially hard for me and my family. Thank you for your article Jessica.