Halloween after a Suicide Loss

Halloween after a suicide loss can be challenging as you become aware of how much focus there is on death. Everywhere you look, death lingers making it incredibly difficult to put your own loss to the side. What was once a holiday filled with laughter and fun, has now become a living nightmare. If this is your first Halloween after a suicide loss, know that you are not alone in the wide array of feelings that exist inside you. Halloween can be not only traumatic for a survivor of a suicide loss, but just plain unbearable.  Let’s take a look at a couple of reason why:

Graveyards, headstones, hangings and gruesome death scenes

Many survivors of a suicide loss have become all too familiar with a cemetary. It is a place that often allows you to safely feel the overwhelming pain that exists as a result of your loss. It is a place where you can be free to express emotion. It does not judge. It is a place that you can feel a sense of control, as you can decide when to go and when to allow yourself to feel the depths of the pain. During Halloween we are flooded with death imagery like graveyards and headstones. The image of my dad’s tombstone changed the meaning of death for me. It was no longer a part of the circle of life, but a tragic event that introduces you to a new level of pain. Seeing those plastic tombstones are a constant reminder of the actual stone that holds the ashes of my father. The stone that displays his name and the day he died. The stone that is a reminder that he is no longer here. You better believe that every tombstone displayed in someone’s yard reminds me of his.

Hangings and gruesome death scenes….I mean, what is there to say? I struggle with anger as I question how someone could display death in this manner. If they only knew how it impacted someone who’s loved one died by suicide. If they only knew that the hanging body in their tree elicits a response so painful that it can be debilitating. Sadly, I often think, “You think that’s scary…spend a minute in my memory, with my images, then let’s talk.”

Bittersweet or downright painful memories of the past

If you lost a child or adolescent, Halloween can be incredibly difficult as you think about the memories and traditions that were a part of your family. The longing becomes more intense (as if that’s possible) as you look at other families joyfully participating in the festivities. The parties that seem impossible to attend, the costumes that will never be made or worn, the memories that will not be created.  How can you not be in pain, when you are reminded of what used to be?

Halloween can be difficult for anybody who has lost a loved one to suicide. I remember how much my dad loved to go to my sister’s on Halloween. He would take pictures with my nieces and then happily stay back and pass out candy while they went trick-or-treating. He loved his role of passing out candy at the door. Halloween is a reminder that this will never be my reality. My own children weren’t born when he passed. I will never have a picture of him with my kids in their costumes, or see his smile each time he opens the door to pass out candy. It doesn’t matter how much time has past, this reality sucks.

Trying to explain death to a child is hard enough, and the scary images certaining do not help

Kids have a number of questions after the death of a loved one. Add the additional component of suicide, and death is almost impossible to explain. I wish people understood how the death imagery that they display impacts a child who is already trying to conceptualize death. Death is scary for a young child, and these images make it so much worse. For more tips about helping a child during Halloween, read this article from The Dougy Center.

Halloween often becomes the beginning of the inevitable holiday season

Halloween is often the kickoff to the holiday season. October for many is a time for pumpkin spice, comfy sweaters, pumpkins, and Fall fun. For others, it is a reminder that the next couple months are going to be difficult. Not only do temperatures fall, but your loss is magnified as you watch everyone else filled with joy. Without even knowing it, you are trying to figure out how in the world you are going to make it through the next couple months. I get it. You are not alone.

We know how difficult Halloween after a suicide loss can be. Be gentle with yourself, and don’t be afraid to skip the day all together. We have to take care of ourselves, and do what we need to do to make the day even a pinch less painful. We will be thinking of you all this week!