This week’s post by guest author Jillian K. is a heartfelt reflection on her past year as a new survivor of her father’s suicide. Having lost our dads, this post truly resonated with us and we know the evolution of her grief on this first “anniversary” of loss is something many readers will empathize with. If you feel moved to do so, you can leave your messages of hope and understanding for her below.
A Letter of Love and Hope
Dear Dad,
On this day last year, I spent my Sunday preparing for the week ahead. I went grocery shopping, I prepared all of my breakfasts and lunches for the week, and I studied. I went to bed worried about the chemistry lab that I didn’t get to, that I’d have to spend all of my next day’s free time on. I talked to you on the phone that day, and you told me that you were struggling. There were a lot of tears on both ends. I was away at school, and I didn’t know how to help you other than to listen. Before we hung up, you told me that you loved me too much to ever leave. And I wholeheartedly believed you. I went to sleep that night knowing that you would be okay. I’d see you in a few weeks for Thanksgiving, and we could figure things out then.
I read your text when I woke up the next day, about how much you loved me and how sorry you were. I figured you were apologizing for something small, and just reminding me that you loved me, as you did a lot. I went about my morning, but as I left for class I found our family on the porch of my apartment. Mom told me that you had passed away last night, and although I did not want to believe it, I did not have to ask how.
A lot has happened since you’ve been gone. I turned 21. I got engaged. I moved across the country. And although I wish, more than anything, that you could have been here for all of it, and that you could be here for all of the goodness to come, I know that you are looking down on me and that you won’t miss a minute of it.
This year, I will spend the day remembering you, and trying to do the things you loved to do. I wish you could be here with me, just as I wish that I could have been with you on this day last year. I’ll try not to focus on the what-ifs, but instead on the because-ofs.
Because of you, I have become a strong woman. Because of you, I do not take time for granted. Because of you, I say “I love you” a lot. Because of you, I’m more compassionate. Because of you, I know to take care of myself and my mental health. Because of you, I am on the lookout for signs of struggle in others. Because of you, I find beauty in this messed up world.
When I see a pretty sunset, I imagine you, sitting up in the sky painting it. When I hear a rustle in the trees, I imagine you whistling the tunes of your favorite songs. And when I feel the sun on my skin, I imagine your smile, beaming down from up above.
I hope you’re doing okay up there. When you come to visit me in my dreams, you are always so happy, and although I wake up sad at first, I find comfort in knowing that you’re forever smiling.
I miss you, Dad, and I will miss you every day for the rest of my life. I’ll miss you on big days, like my wedding, and on little days, as I sit on the couch watching our Mets continue to stink. But, on every October 22, I’ll miss you the most.
Love,
Your baby girl
Jilly. I’m sick about all this… I am your 1st cousin… Cherie… your a incredibly strong woman to go through all of this… I pray for you and your Dad every day.. I baby sat for Scott for many years… I wish he could have got the help he needed…so sorry for your loss
Jillian this is such a beautifully written & heartfelt letter. My heart hurts for you & your family. I went to school with your Dad – catholic school thru graduation. He was a great guy & thru his fb posts you could see how much he loved you kids. I pray for your family & hope for many happy times for all of you. Congratulations & best wishes on your engagement. 💞
Such an honest, insightful, and beautiful letter to your Dad…I’m So very Sorry for this painful loss. I lost my first-born and only son Ryan 17 months and 2 weeks ago, he is Forever 25 💔😢. I too am forever Heartbroken, shaken to my core like Nothing else in my 52 yrs has ever done! I MISS my RyRy So much it physically hurts my chest/heart down to my soul. It pains me to know that he felt THAT hopeless, THAT sad, THAT alone, that he resorted to end his mental and emotional anguish by his own hand, I admire your courage to share your very personal letter with the world, with us suicide-loss grievers, who truly understand your loss, confusion, and pain. My love, layers, and hugs to you and your family ❤
Jillian, Thank you for writing this. It is very Beautiful. October 22 is “Significant day” for me as well. I got married on October 22 30 years ago. My sister, Kathy, was my Maid-of-Honor and it was her Birthday as well. She took her own life February, 2018 (age of 51) so yesterday, October 22, was Happy and Sad. And yet, I like how you put it–I KNOW She is ETERNALLY smiling. My brother had passed October 19, 2017 so it has been very hard. My brother had Cardiac valve issues since birth but he was a young 57. I feel Kathy and James around me ALL the time. Kathy communicates with me through my Throat Chakra (I get a wintergreen taste in my throat and sometimes down my spine). James, a magician, plays “tricks” on me. They joined my parents, grandparents, Aunt/Sister (who died of cancer on her 60th birthday in 2012), my Uncle Claude, and many, many others. Kathy No longer suffers from Bi-polar, Depression, and PTSD. I never saw what she did as Selfish because when people take their own lives they Do NOT want to die, they just want to END the Suffering. They Never want all of us to Suffer–they just cannot see another way out. She had therapy, took medication, and on and on–she Never GAVE UP, she WORE OUT! I will miss her Forever especially on October 22 but KNOW I will see her again and she NEVER left me–she is PART of me. Also I talk to her and James all the time OUT LOUD (so they can hear). BELIEVE they are AROUND YOU, Look for Signs,…and you WILL see them. Thanks again for sharing!
Jill what a beautiful letter. He is always with you, and all of us. I wish too that I would have known, if I could have helped him in some way. Love to you and your family. We shall all remember him.
I can’t over the death of my husband, it traumatized me and I suffer ptsd daily
Jillian, your post made me cry — weep, actually. I am very sorry for your loss; it is a pain like no other. My older brother passed away on the 22nd of August this past year. This is all so very new to me and my whole family. And he leaves behind 4 children, the youngest who is only 8 — this breaks my heart to no end. As I read your words, I escape my own mind of loss and think about my nieces and nephews….the thoughts that come to their minds and what will continue to cross their minds as they grow up. I can only send healing thoughts to them and to all who have to live with this sort of loss for the rest of their lives. As we know, life is never the same again. I send hugs and love to all those who miss their loved ones.