The minute I saw the preview for A Million Little Things , my heart sank. I sat there for a minute a little bewildered by my body’s response. I write about suicide, I talk about suicide, and I counsel other survivors of a suicide loss. Why did this preview knock me off my feet? Why am I upset by a narrative that follows family and friends that have lost a loved one to suicide? Then it dawned on me. I was terrified that they would get it wrong. How could they possibly portray the depth of pain that we as survivors are introduced to following the loss of a loved one to suicide? This wave of fear knocked the wind out of me as I was thrown back to the beginning of my journey when I had to justify and explain a pain that nobody could possibly understand. I wanted to boycott the show, out of fear of my own anger. Then I decided that I would just DVR it, you know, just in case. Then about ten minutes after the premiere episode aired, there I sat, watching the show begin.
When the show ended, I couldn’t help but just sit there. I didn’t cry, but the feeling in my gut couldn’t be ignored. It was all too real for me. How could somebody with so much, not be able to see what was right in front of them?
Maggie: Maybe he just lost sight of the horizon. I was watching this documentary on JFK Jr. You remember when his plane went down? … Anyway, Kennedy was a novice pilot. He was flying at night, and the clouds came in, and his instruments were telling him which way was up, but he didn’t trust them. The truth was right in front of him, and he couldn’t see it. He lost sight of the horizon and nosedived, and by the time he realized what was happening, it was too late, and he couldn’t pull up.
Gary: What does this have to do–
Maggie: That’s depression. Now maybe he wasn’t depressed; maybe something else was going on. People keep secrets from loved ones, and sometimes, you don’t even know they have these secrets until an event like this happens.
Then came their quest for, “Why?” The question we all search to find an answer to, only to discover that we have to find acceptance in the fact that the only person who truly knows why is the person who left us so tragically.
Eddie: John, you say everything happens for a reason. I can’t find a reason for this.
John: I truly believe everything happens for a reason. The challenge in life is to find that reason. Sometimes what happens is terrible, and you think what good could possibly come from this? Sometimes what happens is so hard to believe, that you refuse to accept the truth. And sometimes, you even try to change it. But as bad as it seems. There is good, and you will find it. I promise.
Regina: I went to see her, and I didn’t know what to say. I mean, what do you say to the woman who just lost the love of her life? This doesn’t make any sense. This is John; perfect John.
Then the mask. The mask that so many wear that makes it all even more confusing. How could someone who looked so happy be so miserable? Why didn’t they reach out? Why didn’t they ask for help?
Regina: He looks so happy.
Rome: Behind every smile is another story.
They did get a few things right when it comes to a loss by suicide, but of course I feel like they got a lot wrong as well. Maybe I am being to critical. As I sit here writing this post, I still can’t definitively say rather I like this show or not. I am happy that they are shedding light on a population of people who silently suffer; both the people who have died, and those who have been left behind. It just hits a little close to home, and I am not sure there has ever been a show that has made me feel so vulnerable and exposed. Maybe it is creating a fear that people will feel like they are able to say, “Oh, I get it, I saw the show.” Or maybe it is the fact that they appear to be setting up for an actual “why” when we all know, one is never found. My only hope is that one of the writers has actually experienced this type of loss. Someone who can stand up and say when they aren’t getting it right. This show does give a voice to those of us who have been touched by suicide. Please don’t let us down.
Regardless of my uncertainties, every week I find myself tuning in. With the same feeling in my gut, and tightness in my chest as I hold my breath on their every word….
I too lost my beloved son to suicide. I was and am skeptical about “A Million Little Things”. But It is TV show. It is a step in a direction to educate about a subject many don’t want to think about. As if suicide is catching. Since my unthinkable loss I’ve lost contact with so called friends and relatives. I truly don’t see how this show can address all that needs to be addressed. It’s possible it will open up a dialogue and shed light on the suffering of those that are living with suicide. Unfortunately in order for the show to stay on air it can’t be too real or people won’t watch. They want entertainment. I get it. So these are baby steps. Hopefully in the right direction. Pain and loss isn’t very entertaining. I appreciate your insight.
Thank you for your input. Your so right. The pain runs deeper than words can convey.
I lost my precious daughter to suicide three years ago. I fight daily just to press forward, the keep guilt and remorse from taking me under. Some moments are beyond comprehension for that is what we live with. It’s not a daily battle, but a moment by moment fight.
Just trying to live for those still here-
Thank you so much for this post. I have been thinking so many of the same things about this show, and have not been able to bring myself to watch it yet… I struggle with whether I am being too critical, as well. I am really wary of the “everything happens for a reason” narrative that seems to be part of this show, and is partly why I haven’t been able to actually give it a chance yet. I used to be a strong believer in the human ability to find (or create) valuable meaning and purpose in any situation. Having gone through the loss of a parent to suicide, I don’t believe that anymore. Deep in my core, I now know that senseless, meaningless loss exists, with no greater purpose beyond pain and grief. Sure, we are forced to grow and learn new things about ourselves when we are forced to go through trauma and grief. But the value of that growth is nowhere near that of what was lost. There is no silver lining or positive angle that can be put onto suicide. I really, really hope they don’t try to force that narrative in this show… It is emotionally manipulative and (in my opinion) a lie that helps people gloss over or ignore the reality of what suicide is.
I completely agree!
I agree, too.
Hi there, I respect your opinion but politely disagree. I am a suicide survivor – my father ended his own life. Every person processes differently so to say, “they got a lot wrong” isn’t respecting and appreciating that your journey is different from another’s. I am grateful to the show for being raw and exposing suicide and it’s aftermath, for creating conversation (and blogs). All the best to you and yours.
very well said!
This was written by someone who lost someone.
I’ve been confused by my reluctance to view this series. I’m pretty open about my daughter’s suicide six and a half years ago but for some reason I can’t even hit the ‘record’ button. Glad to hear your review and I’ll give it some more thought.
From an article in the Sun-Sentinel…
http://www.sun-sentinel.com/la-et-st-a-million-little-things-abc-tca-bourdain-spade-20180807-story.html
““I think there’s absolutely nothing romantic about suicide — it’s a real conscious thing in our [writers’] room,” Nash said, noting that a few members of the writing staff had first-hand experience with losing a loved one in that manner and that consultants were used.”
I had the opposite reaction as you did.
When I saw the preview, I couldn’t wait to see the show. To me, it was just more people’s perspective. More information. More viewpoints.
I know it’s a drama and it has to entertain (it’s not a documentary after all) so I know they will work around a story (not everything will be about the suicide, but everything will be touched by it).
I have actually enjoyed the show – it’s cathartic in some ways. What can I learn from how these characters grieve?
As we all know – every person’s journey from this grief will be different. Everyone brings their own baggage to their grief recovery so, for me at least, it’s good to see how that plays out for each person.
As I lost the love of my life earlier this year, I was both wanting to watch and scared to watch at the same time. But I did watch and I like the show so far. I don’t think the emotions are necessarily true, although I realize we are all different and handle our emotions in our own ways. The lack of raw emotions on behalf of the widow (Delilah) was odd to me. She cried, of course, but seemed to go on with her life barely interrupted right after that. Why isn’t she in therapy? Why aren’t the kids? Maybe they just haven’t put that in the story yet, but it seems it should be priority for the immediate family member survivors. As for the writers and producers, I agree that it means more if they are drawing from personal experience. That said, I could never wish this pain on anyone. I am glad they have the PSA at the end of each episode with resources for those who are suicidal.
Amen! My thoughts exactly.
Jessica,
I had a similar response when I first saw the preview to this new show, only for me it felt more like a punch in the gut! At first, I was shocked that someone dare do a television series about suicide loss. At the end of the show, a few of the actors or writers comment that they have been affected by the loss of someone close to suicide. They also display the national suicide hotline phone number. For me, it’s not so much that they get the facts right, it’s more about awareness and the hope that it might make a difference to those who suffer silently. On the night the show aired for the first time, our local news station did a segment about suicide loss. Thank you for writing this article.
I too was not going to watch it as the previews felt so close to home for me and my family. But, there I was a night of watching my recorded This Is Us which I absolutely love but too is also heart wrenching at the same time. Losing the love of your life, the father of your children is tough in any situation, truly painful but so very real for a lot of people, me included. So, I did it. I watched all of them so far! I don’t honestly know what I feel accept I know one thing I feel is a bit vulnerable. I’m sure I’ll keep watching when I’m in the right space and even though it is a TV show it too sheds light on the pain people carry and sometimes the pain that is carried on by the decision of the person who dies by suicide for all the rest of us to try and make sense of. And who knows maybe I’ll learn something or better yet not want to hide from my story. Everyone has a story to tell and knowledge is power and however that knowledge is given more power to everyone. Take care of you today💜
Jessica, thank you for your thoughts on this show.
I lost my wife 6 years ago, and I now facilitate a very large, weekly, face-to-face Survivors of Suicide Loss group in Kansas.
I was initially very skeptical when they started advertising the show, assuming (like 13 Reasons Why), that this show would be exploitative at best, and spread misinformation at worst.
I watched the first episode, and like you, was struck by my reactions to the characters and story. I felt it was worth watching, and had realistic portrayals of everyone’s reactions. I also had doubts as to whether the suicide itself and elements of complicated grief among survivors would get downplayed and lost in the storyline as the show continued.
I have been pleasantly surprised at how each episode reveals additional complicated aspects of the difficult journey we survivors know all too well.
As I’ve discussed the show with friends who knew my wife but were much less affected in their grief, the show has allowed great discussions about how the show’s survivors are being impacted in realistically not-easy-to-resolve ways, and it has impressed me with the survivors’ responses that match what I and others in my f2f group experience.
I will continue to watch this show as long as it portrays survivors’ complicated issues fairly accurately.
I too was shocked when I first saw the previews on TV for this new show…….I have not yet been able to watch or not sure if I ever will…..Unless writers/producers have some 1st hand experience with suicide, I don’t see how they can make it feel real….appreciate hearing people discussing it…perhaps it will help inform the public