Survivors of suicide loss may experience “grief attacks,” where an emotional response to a loved one’s death surfaces at any time – often unexpectedly. Guest author and survivor of her son Tom’s suicide, Kimberly Starr shares about the emotions she recently felt.
Lágrimas Compartidas – Shared Tears
On a rare night alone tonight, I sat in the “Toffice” (Tom’s room that we converted into an office) and cried out in anguish to Tom to give me a sign he is beside me. I looked through pictures of happier times with both boys playing, laughing, and posing together, tears pouring from my eyes. Finally, I gathered Tom’s favorite stuffed animal and drove to the cemetery. I sat alone in front of his headstone, the pinwheel spinning in the light breeze while sobs escaped my soul.
After only a few minutes, a woman walked towards me, asking me in broken English if I was alright. I nodded, explaining in terrible Spanish I was crying for my son. She hugged me tightly. A woman I have never met, wailing beside me and embracing me in my pain.
Her adult son approached when the language barrier became too much. He explained she was visiting both her nephew and spouse, who died over the same weekend a few years ago. It was my turn to embrace her and respond, “Yo siento mucho.” We held each other for a long time, her son watching awkwardly, not knowing what to say or do. We cried without hesitation; our souls entwined in loss.
(C) Kimberly A. Starr
Beautiful! Sometimes you do not get compassion from those you expect it from the most and then sometimes you are lovingly surprised with support from strangers. My sister committed suicide in February—some days I feel like I am making progress and some days it feels like the second I learned of her suicide all over again. I want to know how many hours, days, weeks, months, years it will take to not be in so much pain….and all I read is there is No Timeline and “grief attacks” will come all my life. I lost my brother to Cardiac issues 4 months before my sister’s passing; I didn’t even have his estate stuff done when my sister passed. Sometimes I wonder “what is the point” to keep going on, working, paying bills, not “getting emotional” because it makes others uncomfortable, etc. Oh, and WHY is crying been negatively named “get emotional.” It is Destructive to hold tears IN and Healing to LET THEM OUT! This site is Extremely helpful as NO ONE understands Suicide Grief like another survivor. It is a club no one wanted to join and was made a member by someone else. I have never been angry at my sister and despite all I did in so many years to help her with her bipolar and PTSD it was just all too much. When you have tried Counseling and Medication and it all makes you worse, and you cannot work anymore….. and you are single and cannot pay for medical services and cannot pay for rent and people have given you thousands of dollars to help and they cannot do that anymore and there is no where to go…..then what? Today’s world is all about MONEY first—you must PAY. I grieve what Could have Been. Appreciate these stories very much. Thank you.
I am very sorry for your loss Kimberly and Patricia. There is strength in numbers, and knowing we are not alone in our sorrow helps as we grieve for those we have lost to suicide. I lost my sweet, kind and beautiful granddaughter nine years ago. It is hard to find words to describe the anguish brought to those loved ones left behind. There is no “getting over” something this devastating. I beg of those of you contemplating ending your life, please talk to us, let us help you find answers! Don’t sentence us to a lifetime of grieving, blaming ourselves for what we might have done to rescue you from such a heart-rending and needless end. We would have done anything in our power to have prevented this from happening. We will never “get over” losing you.
Thank you Nancy. I am sorry for your loss of your granddaughter as well. I believe that those we lose to suicide don’t want to cause us pain. They just see it as the ONLY Way to end their Pain and Suffering. My sister apologized in her note to me as well as explained WHY. Yes, I did a lot for years for my sister but….had I known she was in that much pain I would have done EVEN more for her–I didn’t know. I ditto what you say–Please talk to us!!!
Thank you for this article and the comments that followed. My sister has been gone for nearly two years now. The year she took her life I was consumed with the shock, horror and guilt on a daily basis. This year the reality of a future without her has seeped in with the continued feelings of disbelief and grief. It’s overwhelming for me to think of a future without my sister.
I’m writing because these articles mean more than words can convey. I sit and read but am at a total loss of words. This is such a painful loss. I can relate to all the feelings expressed. Please continue sharing.