I’ve discovered something about myself as a survivor – I want the revelation that I lost my dad to suicide to come out as quickly as possible in new social situations.
This loss is a part of me – but it’s a huge part that affects my daily life.
And, here’s why I believe I’ve become so candid and forthcoming about suicide loss: I learned about my dad’s suicide during the work day at a longtime position. It was also a very public loss due to his well-known role in the legal field. This meant that at the time of his passing, nearly everyone in my circle knew what had happened. In fact, they knew every detail. There was absolutely no escaping this, which is partly why I decided to own it and give suicide survivors a voice by helping to establish this blog.
As time pressed on and I moved to new areas and started new jobs, I experienced this foreign feeling of nobody knowing my “secret.” Frankly, it was surprisingly uncomfortable. I thought long and hard about taking advantage of my newfound anonymity as a survivor of suicide loss to escape the stigma and embrace a fresh start. But, the reality is, no matter how many years pass, the suicide of my dad is bound to bubble up in some way.
If it’s not leading me to request a day off for a memorial-related event, it’s my out-of-the-ordinary sadness over celebrity suicides or the explanation of why I am going to visit my “parent” vs. “parents” this weekend.
I suppose that jumping at the first natural chance to talk about this is my way of getting ahead of it to avoid any whispers should anyone else learn about it first. I’m putting it out there that it did happen and I’m very comfortable talking about it. I am sure this is also serving as a defense and coping mechanism. Maybe it’s even a little bit of a tip-off, “Hey…I’ve been through hell and back so please keep that in mind.”
Sometimes, I kick myself after sharing this – particularly if the reveal feels forced. But, most of the time, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can go back to the way it was when everyone knew and understood that they were now dealing with the Becky who had experienced this sudden and unexpected “thing.”
My dad’s suicide is like a little piece of luggage that I carry with me from new residence to new job and to first meetings with new friends along the way. I have this vision that I’m like a traveling salesman. I stop, I open my case and present my suicide survivor card and I keep going. It is what it is and it has become second nature to me.
I am someone who finds comfort in others knowing this about me. However, everyone grieves uniquely. I know there are just as many others out there who feel better placing this at the very bottom of a suitcase deep in the back of a closet. That’s perfectly ok!
What truly matters is adopting an approach that feels right to you.
It has been three years for me that I lost my husband to suicide- and from the beginning my family and I told the truth. Over the past three years I try to share my story as comfortably as I can before it comes up awkwardly. I am a Suicide loss survivor- changed forever since April 20,2015. It is a part of me- and my goal is to help others, raise awareness, end the stigma of mental illness. Sadly recent public suicides of celebrities has raised awareness of the growing problem- there also needs to be growing awareness of the unique struggle those of us left behind suffer. Sites and posts like this are so necessary.
I lost my husband to suicide 9/21/16. My 14 year old found him. That seems to define his entire life it is difficult to share the good memories while my husband seemingly orchestrated this tragic ending. My daughter has a hard time meeting guys and explaining his death. I pray it gets easier for us all
Becky,
I just had someone come up to me and she gave me a hug and said I think about Judge Barry all of the time. We sang his praises!
He is by so many people and forever in our hearts! I pray for all of you every day!!
Ann
That is so sweet! I really appreciate you sharing.
Since your father was a public figure, and the details of his death were public, I can understand your rationale for being open about his death. It was instrumental to your acceptance and coping with it.
For me…. I lost my 21 year old son on 10/13/11 ….. 10 months after his dad ( my husband) succumbed to cancer. It was a SHOCK to everyone … even his closest friends. FORTUNATELY, he left a 3 page, hand-written letter … such a gift…..which is why I still maintain a mere semblance of sanity. Luckily, since my husband was a police officer for 35 years, we were able to keep details of my son’s death out of the news media. It is NOT easy for me to tell people about how he died….. especially mere strangers who have no qualms asking that question. Just now, 7 years later, his friends are finally comfortable talking about him, telling KYLE STORIES I’m so fortunate that 6 of them keep me in their lives. I’ve attended their weddings & held their babies … temporary fills of that huge void in my soul.
I appreciate that I have found this website. My father died from suicide on this date two years ago. Hence why I am having trouble sleeping today.
I’m reading through these posts trying to manage my own grief and depression…though that comes and goes. I’ve been to therapy. I journal. I take care of myself. Yet, I still feel guilty that I am not able to do the same for my sister. She has taken on drinking as a way to cope. By the grace of God nothing serious has happen to her physically or legally. I took her to AA, and it lasted a few short weeks. How can I help someone who has been through the same trauma as me when I am still trying to help myself??
I apologize for the heaviness of this post. I’m not sure if anyone will even read it or respond. Just late night thoughts and worries about someone else in my family who I don’t know how to save.
Hi Clarissa,
I share the same concerns as you by my other family members. And, now even though it still seems like I’m the go to I am now starting to be able to deal with my grief and all my emotions. My late husband completed suicide in 2010 and we have two kids. At that time my son was 17 and my daughter 15. Now, 26 and 23 moving on with their own lives. In Dec 2017, just 7 months ago my daughter went into rehab for alcohol/ drug abuse. This started in high school her senior year and I had no idea how bad it had gotten or how the typical teenage, young adult partying with friends turned into not just alcohol but cocaine as well! I have been so consumed with both of my kids and their pain that I had to pretty much keep things going and do whatever I could to get my kids through this loss of their dad. She is doing really well and has shared so many things with me and how this happened. She was numb after her dads suicide. She felt nothing, cared about nothing, and was in so much pain that the first sip that led into more and the minute she tried drugs it made her feel! It made her have emotions that were hidden. It was interesting to me as I’ve never done drugs! I keep my social drinking at bey as well as it heightens my emotions and turns me upside down if I’m struggling with the place I’m in with my healing. This is a lot of info and basically with my experience with each of my kids and even my sister in law that has been so hurt by this that I can only be me and cope how I cope and in this I have seen that especially with my kids they have taken on some of my ways of self care. Running, hiking, and biking, nap when needed or quiet time by myself along with the journaling. I bought them both journals and a shredder! Sounds funny, but it works. Some journaling you want to keep some feels so good to shred and wash it away even if it comes back sometimes. They will fall again and I will always be here but we are all responsible for our own journey and I will always be here for them, always. You can offer hope, love, and stability. Most of all you can show your sister your strength and hopefully that will help her but you cannot do this for her. And she might fall but that fall might be what it takes for her to feel and want to deal with those feelings😌 I hope the best for you both 💙
I lost my son, Andy to Suicide June 2, 2014. Most days I get thru my job and life but truthfully, I hurt daily. People see what they want to see. I look ok so I must be ok. Even my second husband, who wasn’t Andy’s dad, still looks at me like I should be ok. If I’m having a day, he’ll say, having an Andy day, I shouldn’t have to explain myself. Feel alone much of the time. Did counseling, on a new anti depressants, but there are no answers. God is my spiritual backbone but my grief doesn’t really settle down. It’s always in the background. Thank you for listening. Therese