Lasting Memories of My Dad on His Birthday

The birthday of a loved one who has died by suicide is by far one of the hardest days of the year. On this date, there’s little to do besides wonder “what if?” and reflect on happier memories. This week’s guest author, Cally, remembers how great life was when her dad was alive. He would have been 50 this week.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

For as long as I can remember, birthdays have always been a big deal to me. I enjoy looking forward to and anticipating the birthdays of my closest friends and family members (and of course my own). I love to carefully plan out what I am going to get each person and it’s even more exciting if I get to plan a party. It gives me great joy!

Consequently, as the date of my dad’s 50^thbirthday approaches, I am filled with a deep sadness as I am mourning the loss of many things that are not only already gone, but the things that will never be. I lost my dad to suicide when he was a mere 47 years old. It is a sadness and pain that I cannot even give words to; the words simply do not exist. I have been reflecting on the fact that my dad will never see his 50^thbirthday. He was gone too young, too early. There will not be a milestone birthday or a surprise party to plan and anticipate with excitement. There will be no carefully thought out gift to give my dad on his 50^thbirthday. He will not be here for this day.

I have been thinking about my dad’s 50^thbirthday for some time. How do I want to celebrate his birthday? Do I want to be surrounded by my closest friends or do I want to be alone? Will people think it’s strange to celebrate the birthday of someone who is no longer here? The loss of a loved one to suicide is a journey that I am still taking one day at a time and I suspect it will always be like this. I think the most important thing that you can do is give yourself and those around you grace. Because at the end of the day, there is nothing anyone can say or do to make the pain go away. The past cannot be changed. There is no right or wrong way to heal or grieve.

I want this to be a celebration of my dad on his 50^thbirthday, a reflection of some of my fondest memories that he and I shared together. My dad was more than my dad, he really was my friend. He was ornery and loved nothing more than to give me a hard time. I don’t know that there was anything he wouldn’t do for me.

Now, you have to know my dad was a pretty big tough guy on the outside. He had a Harley Davidson most of his life and loved to ride his motorcycle. I also enjoyed riding with him. I can remember as a young child he had bought a new Harley Davidson but he didn’t like the color. He asked me “Cally, what is your favorite color? I am going to have my bike painted your favorite color.” What did I say? Purple!! Now, I feel like most people would have said, “Oh that’s nice, what’s your next favorite color?” Not my dad, the next time I saw that Harley it was…..PURPLE! I still to this day cannot believe he painted his Harley purple because it was my favorite color.

Morel mushroom hunting in the spring was one of our favorite things to do together. We could hardly wait for the temperature to get warm enough to go looking for mushrooms. We could spend hours in the woods together always trying to come home with more mushrooms than the year before. Now, if I am being honest, he always had the better eye. He knew how much I loved finding and picking mushrooms so he would spot them and then let me pick every last one. I so enjoyed just following him through the woods as he would lead us to the perfect spot to find mushrooms year after year. We would bring them back and my grandma would fry them up for us. They are delicious! Now, when I went away to college and couldn’t make it home to go mushroom hunting (the season always fell during finals) my dad would still go. He would make sure that he saved enough for me so that I could have a batch when I returned home. It was probably my favorite tradition that he and I shared if I had to pick just one.

We went on several trips together, just the two of us. We had our favorite breakfast and dinner spots. There wasn’t an adventure he wasn’t up for. He would come visit me when I was in college and we would walk all over Bloomington together trying out new restaurants and shops. I think he would follow me anywhere that I wanted to go. The last trip we took together was to Washington D.C. My husband, my dad and I went together. I will always remember walking all over the city together and seeing all of the landmarks. My dad had never been, so it was fun to see him experience D.C.  I think we walked 8 miles in one day just exploring the city. I had arranged for us to go on a tour of the capitol building months in advance.  When we finally arrived, I thought for sure that we were going to get thrown out because my dad forgot that he was carrying a pocket knife. There was never a dull moment with him! He was always up to something. More importantly, I could always count on my dad to be there, he made me feel safe and protected.

Now, my dad knew how big of a deal birthdays were to me so he never forgot my birthday either. I could always expect not 1 but 2 cards from my dad on my birthday. He took picking out a birthday card very seriously and he could never narrow it down to just 1. I always imagined him standing in the card aisle debating over the perfect card. It never failed, when my birthday would come around there would be 2 cards from my dad and I knew that so much thought had gone into each one. When I was in college, he would come to town and celebrate with me. It didn’t matter where either of us was, we celebrated birthdays together. I can remember driving 3 hours to northern Indiana to deliver a birthday cake to him one year. He was working away from home and I didn’t want his birthday to pass without some cake. I miss celebrating birthdays with him and especially wish he could be here for this milestone birthday.  I refuse to let his 50^thbirthday go by without honoring his memory and you will probably find me at our favorite restaurant on May 4.

Happy 50th birthday dad, I am so thankful for the time I had with you and will always cherish the precious memories we shared.