We all pray for that moment, the moment when our loved ones suicide no longer occupies every minute of our day. Yet when it happens, we often experience an overwhelming amount of guilt. This guilt feels different from the guilt that remains after someone ends their life. We want to feel better; yet feeling right, often feels so wrong.
If you haven’t experienced a suicide, you simply can’t understand. Everyone tells you that your loved one “Wouldn’t want you to feel like this.” Of course they do not want us to live in misery, but does feeling better mean that they were right? That we will be ok without them? That they were a burden to us? Lingering questions like these often keep us stuck in our pain. The last thing we want is our loved ones thinking that we are better off without them. On my grief journey I was able to find a way to feel better, without letting the guilt consume me. Here are a few tips based on what I learned:
- Acknowledge that you ARE different because of your loved ones suicide. Not better, but different. I live my life more authentically than I did prior to my dad’s suicide. I no longer spend time and energy trying to please others. I save my time and energy for those who add to my life, instead of take away from it.
- Acknowledge that THEIR pain doesn’t have to be YOUR pain. I know that my father wouldn’t want me to carry his pain. If he did, he wouldn’t have ended his life. If given the choice to either keep living in pain, or end it and pass it along to your family, I know that my father would still be here. We don’t have to hold the pain to keep the memory of the person alive.
- Acknowledge that maybe you could have done something different, but it wouldn’t have taken away THEIR free will. I spent a long time blaming anything and everyone, including myself, for my father’s suicide. Maybe one of those things, or people could have been able to prevent his death. Magic word being, MAYBE. Free will is a powerful concept, and once I acknowledged his the blame game became more difficult to play.
- Feeling better doesn’t mean that you no longer love them, miss them or need them. The pain of missing them often gives us the belief that it keeps us connected to them. But the truth is, the pain is what BLOCKS us from being connected to them. Pain gives us a false sense of security.
- Instead of focusing on the PAIN, focus on the CONNECTION. Find ways to connect with the person you lost. Talk to them, listen to their favorite music, carry something of theirs with you. Find ways to connect, as it will make the pain more bearable.
- LEAN into the pain, but also FIGHT against it. In the game that our loved ones played, the pain won. Don’t let the pain keep winning.
We would love to hear how YOU have worked through the guilt that accompanies feeling better. Please share any below!
Thank you for writing this. I can relate to so many of your thoughts.
I’m still fairly new to navigating the pain, but I’ve been carrying around my dads binoculars and it makes me feel closer to him and even though it still hurts, I feel connected with him. He’s had them since I was a child and would take them on any trip we’ve ever been on or simply just look outside at deer to count how many he could see. I take them on hikes that I go on now and look outside my windows at deer too. Something so small, but something so comforting.
Thanks for sharing this post. It’s nice to remember that the pain shouldn’t take over our connection to our loved on.
Thank you for writing this. Having lost my father 2 I could relate on so many levels. It’s been 15 years and I miss him every single day. I’ve spent my life dedicated to Suicide Prevention and helping those who are traveling this experience. I think the thing that I took away from this article that help me the most just remembering to focus on the connection that he and I share not the pain that was left. Thank you so much
Hi – I recently commented on this very true part of the grief journey – feeling guilty that I’m smiling again and finding some joy. My daughter took her own life 2 years ago and I struggle with this topic. I wore her jewelry everyday and still do today. I talk to her and tell her that she’s going shopping with me today, or going to do Pilates today and hold her dangling charms around my neck. She had some diamond earrings and a diamond necklace that I gave her when she graduated from high school. I recently took all of these stones plus other little bits and had a bracelet made incorporating these stones. Now she’s with me everyday.
So true what you have written. Holding onto the pain does keep us connected to those we’ve lost, that’s why I’m in no hurry to be pain free. There will always be pain after loss; our life now has a void in it where it used to be full.
I don’t believe they have a hard time reaching us when we’re grieving. We heard from our son almost immediately after he left us. If anything, our broken and shattered hearts leave lots of places for light to shine through and keeps us more open to love and encouragement.
Thank you for your article. It’s helpful to hear how others navigate through this horrific journey. I feel I spent the past year just trying to survive the enormity and horrific details of my sisters suicide. Her pain and suffering are still agonizing to me and part of my daily life, we were sisters. But, there are also
better days sprinkled here and there and yes, as you mentioned, also the pain and guilt as if to say her suicide was okay, quickly boils to the surface. I appreciate your advice to lean into the pain but also fight. It seems a constant tug of war but we don’t have to always let the pain win. Thank you.
A college freshman from my church took her life a year ago. While they werent “besties”, my daughter feels the pain of losing her. I am unable to relate well, so your article has helped me to understand a bit. I am sorry for your loss and hope you find some joy and even humor in your grief. I dont mean to be ins3nsitive to your loss by suggesting finding humor. I only mention it because i have found things that would make my long passed parents would havd laughed at as a means of connecting with them and keeping them alive, so to speak. I garden more because my mom enjoyed gardening…things like that.