The day my dad died was definitively the worst day of my life…right?
A challenging aspect of suicide loss is that life presses on for survivors. While it forces a “new normal,” dark emotions can dominate most days for years to follow.
But, eventually, survivors have to return to work, maintain a household, shop for groceries and keep up with all of the other things life requires. And, just as these things did before the suicide loss, they can lead to periodic feelings of annoyance or frustration.
Recently, I’ve scolded myself for saying things like, “Ugh, today was the worst day ever,” or the more extreme, “I’ve had the worst week of my life.” I’ve also said worse – I can’t even bring myself to type it, but I’ve written blog posts begging people to never say things of this nature. The moment these phrases come out, I stop and realize that I really have no right to say them. There’s no way whatever I was dealing with was anywhere near worse than learning my dad killed himself.
Are survivors of suicide loss ever allowed to have a “bad day” again?
Of course. It’s also unrealistic to expect that survivors will never ever say some of life’s most common venting phrases again or feel upset to the core by something.
I feel like I have become a little hard on myself or set expectations for my new normal unnecessarily high. I think it’s an understood reality that my dad’s death was the worst thing that ever happened to me. But, it’s probably not healthy to continually remind myself or others of this when I am troubled by a bad day.
I would argue that the ability to talk openly about how things affect me or to have “a worst day ever” that has nothing to do with him is what my dad would have wanted. Time is also a very powerful element of the grief journey. Six years ago, his death was clearly the worst thing that happened. As the terror and trauma of this subside, my “worst” days are caused by things that feel the worst at the given moment.
Survivors of suicide loss are plagued by feelings of guilt – not just around the death but in their response to it and how they proceed with life from that point forward.
I wanted to acknowledge that you’re not alone and give the reminder that it’s important to forgive yourself and be gentle. It’s absolutely ok to have a “worst day of your life” that has nothing to do with your loss.
Have you felt this way? Share below.
I’m sure I’ve had bad days in the 2 years since my daughter Alexandra took her own life at age 27. She was the love of my life, my everything and it still rips me apart when I allow myself to really think about it again and rehash that day. But my guilt lately has been when I’m having a good day. I remember a time about 4 months ago where I found myself light hearted and happily singing to the radio. I literally stopped myself and thought this is wrong, I’m supposed to be sad always now. But I’ve learned thru lots of therapy that happy is a moment, snippets of time that I can find joy in again, because other things, other people brought me joy when Alex was alive. So, I continue to sing when the moment strikes and try to let go of the guilt.
Terri – Thank you for sharing this perspective because you’re exactly right, the opposite can also be true. Guilt over good AND bad days. I really like your thoughts here. ~ B
31st August 2015 my new “normal” began. I lost my daughter Sam, 32, to suicide. I had her at 21’ so for the whole of my adult life she has been with me. For many years as a single parent family, until her Step Dad arrived when she was 11, her little sister Daisy arrived a year later. Sam was always happy to share me with others. We were a family at last.
There was always a generational gap between my girls but they were as close as sisters could be.
Losing Sam to suicide after a 4 year struggle with depression has taken away the beautiful simplicity of life. As a family we support one another and slowly begin to heal but it has made every emotion questionable. To be continually sad when I have a daughter who, although 23, needs me to still be her Mum, isn’t an option. She deserves my focus on her, life at University, boyfriend and being an individual. What a struggle it is to balance the energies one spends on grief with being able to give as much of myself as I did for Sam during her young adult life.
My girls are very different in personality. Sam was always very dependent but also very considerate. She contacted me daily (several times) even when she travelled the world. Told me all her inner most emotions and experiences. Daisy is far more independent even from a young age. She is an amazingly able and talented young woman but she likes her own space and doesn’t need much input. I have to try not to put my needs onto Daisy but this makes the relationship less natural. Not defining relationships, and the emotions within them, by loss of this type is difficult enough. Feelings of joy are by far the hardest to embrace. They sneak up on you. As do the overwhelming sadnesses. I just don’t know how to ‘be’ but know that as time passes our pain is more manageable. That good days deserve attention and embracing. Pushing away joy stops us from sharing the beautiful moments.
Our journey through life will always have hurdles but as anyone who suffers a traumatic loss knows….we have power and strength beyond our worst nightmare. We do go on. Every moment is precious GOOD or BAD. 💕
Carolyn, you are so right in that last paragraph. Never ever did I think I would survive the loss of my sweet girl, but I did. For 4 years I struggled with helping her with her depression, addiction and sadness. I would call her 3 times a day to check in and say, please don’t do anything “stupid” …. that I would never survive losing you…but I did. And it’s exhausting everyday – the grief, the journey, the “new normal”. But I have lots to live for, I tell myself everyday, and most days I’m good wtih that. It’s the mornings and evenings that get me – As a survivor in my suicide group said after 4.5 years without his son: ” I go to bed every night and wake up every morning with the pain of losing my son to suicide”.
I tell myself every morning: ” Get up, dress up and show up” and then I do, and I can get thru another day with a bit of joy.
It has now been 10 years since my dad’s death, it is better with time but I am completely a different person. I got lost in my feelings for a while and just kind of cut everyone off, you know that came with it’s own host of emotions and guilty feelings as well. It’s taken work to build those relationships back up and just when I feel like I am dealing with things in a more normal level, not judging if what I’m dealing with gets to be considered a “bad” day. A new feeling comings along. A few weeks ago I was going though some things and i had the thought that” I got it, I understood how he must have been feeling at that point..”. Instead of being mad, or wondering what he could possibly have felt I had the feeling of understanding where he must have been coming from. That was a very scary revelation for me because what does that say about me? I find myself analyzing every emotion for normalcy….
I lost my sister to suicide a year ago this past November. A “normal” bad day doesn’t register much to me at this point, except to say I find I really don’t care too much or I remind myself it really doesn’t matter in the big picture. Other times, the “normal” bad days just compound to my existing sadness and I have less tolerance than I should. I feel pulled to join “normal” society again when it feels shallow and superficial to me now.
I have also felt the sting of sadness and regret within moments of experiencing a smile or joy. It feels unnatural and wrong to enjoy life knowing my sister suffered emotionally to the point she took her life. It’s difficult to incorporate suicide into “normal” again.