Recently, we posted about moving beyond why,where we talked about the task of finding purpose after a loss by suicide. A reader of ours, Michelle Hill, did her own reflection after reading the piece. Michelle lost her son Marcus to suicide 3 1/2 years ago, and has continued to work on finding her purpose. To me, finding our purpose is a lifelong task, and it changes over time. Be gentle to yourself on your journey and acknowledge that purpose doesn’t eliminate pain, it just helps us redirect it.
Finding Purpose After Child Loss
In the first 2+ years after losing Marcus there is no way I could have envisioned that I would find purpose for my life ever again. Even now, 3 ½ years later, I don’t always feel as if I have found my purpose again, but I do have glimpses once in a while.
Looking back at the first 2 years “after” I realize now that I did short-term things that were me finding purpose (at the time I did those things I would have hotly denied that). A friend of mine organized a T-shirt fundraiser that I was heavily involved in—it gave me brief times of being able to focus on something other than my grief. We raised almost $700 to benefit a free counseling program for children who experienced a suicide loss.
My mother-in-law helped me make a T-shirt quilt out of Marcus’ shirts—so very hard to do and yet every aspect of making that quilt gave me something concrete to do that resulted in something tangible to remember Marcus by.
My husband and I put in a memory garden in our back yard, which when we were putting it in seemed like it was just that—a place to remember Marcus. Now I realize it was another thing I could “do” and every spring gives me something to do, but once it is blooming and growing it is a place I can just look at and where I can just “be”. The doing is all finished, I can sit outside, be still and feel Marcus. Now, I have found that I can be purposeful by slowing down, sitting out back and listening to the birds and the wind.
I went through a period of time where I was ordering many items so that I could have as many possible tangible things associated with Marcus—jewelry, glass heart and globe with his ashes, donating money to our church for a new sound booth with his name on it, as well as many items for his garden. And I have 4 tattoos!
For me, these acts of doing something and having something I could see and touch were part of my path to healing and at the same time having something to do gave an outlet to the extreme feelings of helplessness in the face of such overwhelming grief. I also tried to get back into fostering dogs, but found my heart wasn’t it it. The same with mission trips and helping with the soup kitchen through church—my heart wasn’t in doing those things anymore. Plus I’m still ticked at God, but that’s a whole other topic.
I did see a grief counselor for almost a year—she gave me purpose as well—her help was priceless and I still remember many of the things she said and taught me. I would probably still be seeing her if she hadn’t moved.
As time as gone on I have found that I don’t have to “do” so many things anymore. I have a better handle on what things I can do and what I can’t. I make time for myself and I don’t feel selfish or guilty. I don’t socialize much and that is ok, too. I spend a lot of time with my dogs—they are great company.
I think for grieving parents finding purpose again is incredibly difficult and seems impossible. I also think that a purpose doesn’t have to be something tangible or concrete, but is something very individualized. I do feel that finding a purpose, even something you may not think of as a purpose can really make a difference on our journey after losing what is most precious to us. I do think we can each find a purpose, it probably won’t be easy or readily apparent, it may be big or small, it may be helping others or helping ourselves, and I sincerely hope each and every one of you is able to find your purpose again.
Love, Michelle
Hi Michelle,
Your story hit home with me. It’ll be 2 years since my daughter took her own life and I have just struggled to find purpose. I found that Pilates helped me get thru my grief, as well as keeping busy at my event design job. But last May, I quit my job and decided to pursue becoming a Pilates instructor and have thrown myself into that. Not only do I get the benefits of getting fit and healthy again, but I feel like I’m helping people find peace and strength in themselves. We too planted a garden in my daughter, Alexandra’s name -she loved to garden, but once it was done, we too just took joy in looking at it, keeping up with it and listening to the birds and watching the rabbits. My daughter loved bunnies and I think, “gee I wonder if that’s Alex’ every time I would see one. That give me a smile. I also don’t socialize as much. I like quiet now to reflect on all that has happened and try to think about what to do next to keep moving, keep smiling in spite of the worst tragedy a parent can endure.
Hugs. Terri. I am so very sorry for your loss of your beautiful Alex.
Michelle,
Thanks for sharing a piece of your story. Although I am not a parent of someone who died by suicide, I have walked a similar grief journey. I share similar feelings as you about “doing” things to make the grief more bearable. I haven’t reached a point of finding purpose, but I continue to hope daily that peace will somehow find me.
I couldn’t relate more to choosing to spend time on yourself as opposed to socializing with others. I find social engagements to be exhausting at this point in my grief journey. Thanks for sharing!
Hugs Kim, this grief journey is a roller coaster of emotions and each person’s journey is unique and has it’s own pace.