Last month, Kimberly Starr passed the monumental 1,000-day mark following the loss of her son Tom to suicide. She returns as this week’s guest blogger to share the 10 lessons she has learned thus far.
1000 Days
Tom died by suicide 1,000 days ago. The day seems like a milestone worthy of insight, so I have compiled the most important things I have learned in these most difficult of days.
- Tom’s death was not my fault. His depression and anxiety were what killed him. For the most part, I have learned to redirect my self-blame to his disease, but there are also times I still feel as though I failed him.
- His absence is no less palpable. I still feel it every single day. But I have also learned to
function in his absence. - I still see his death scene, but it is more episodic now, like something I can almost turn on and off. Except when I can’t. But I also have learned I do not need to remember it to remember him. Picturing our happy times together is far more enjoyable and constructive.
- Finding an outlet for my grief has been a huge part of my healing process. Writing and engaging in dialogue about our experience has allowed me a way to keep talking about Tom in a productive way.
- Prevention therapy has been a key part of my healing. Consoling those with similar recent losses, working to reduce the stigma around mental illness, and instructing others about the steps to take if they are concerned about someone they love gives purpose to Tom’s death and to my life.
- Counseling, to work through both my grief and PTSD, has been paramount in my moving forward. Learning grounding skills makes it easier to work through the worst moments.
- Counseling with my husband to better understand each other’s unique grief journey likely saved our marriage after our life-changing loss. Knowing that we grieve differently and how we can best support each other during our lows has strengthened our relationship.
- Choosing to recognize Tom’s presence rather than his absence brings joy to moments which might otherwise tear me apart. Hearing certain songs, seeing yellow sunsets, hearing groan-worthy puns all remind me of Tom’s special place in our world.
- Our family is luckier than most. Friends, neighbors, coworkers, and family surrounded us with love and lifted us up in prayers and support. Each has played a significant role in our ability to talk freely about Tom and therefore, grieve openly. This emotional allowance has assisted in our healing process.
- I have learned to be comfortable in my grief while at the same time knowing I will never be the same. Tom’s death broke me, but through these 1,000 days, I have been reborn into someone new, someone with a mission, someone who feels things deeper, and someone with eyes to see further into those who are hurting. Tom’s legacy is making me a
Kimberly
better person, willing to serve others in a new way in hopes of changing our world a little at a time.
I know there will come a time Tom will have been absent more from my life than he was present, but I cannot begin to understand how that will feel. I vow continue to face each day as best I can, honoring his presence while mourning his absence.
© 2017 Kimberly Starr
Dearest Kimberly,
Thank you for sharing your heart on this tragic journey of the loss of your precious son. It has been 1030 days for my husband and me since we lost our beloved son to suicide. Thank you for putting this shear heartbreak into words where a fellow survivor can find comfort and encouragement. Life is before and after, leaning into the pain and not stuffing it down, and learning to live with a shattered heart. I cling to the Lord and like you, am thankful for counseling and those who have bravely come alongside us with love and prayer. You are in my prayers and we are sadly joined by the loss of our beautiful boys. May we have grace and strength for journey.
Well said Sharon. It is truly a before and after and everyday, every morning, I pray for strength, grace and peace to get thru another day without my Alexandra. Never in a million years would I have thought she would take her own life, but it happened. I kept telling myself to get busy living because dying wasn’t going to help anyone.
It has been a a year 2 months that I lost my husband to suicide. I still have my sad moments. I learned it is good to tell people what happened when they ask how he died. I now live with my daughter and her two boys 7 and 4 and this gives me a chance to tell them the good times I had with their papa and that gives me peace. I want to think you for telling your story. Judy O’Bryant Halford.
Thank you for sharing this, Kimberly, it is what I needed today. It is 398 days since the suicide loss of my beloved son. I struggle with the heartache each and every day. Your words give me hope. So sorry for the loss of our sons.
Dearest Kimberly,
I too lost my beautiful daughter Alex to suicide in April of 2016. It’s still so hard to believe she is gone and that’s it’s been almost 2 years. I look at her photos daily and ask how did this happen to her, to us. I’m only now coming back to life, although I continued to work and tried to smile. I often ask myself what more could I have done to save her. She was mentally ill with depressions, anxiety, paranoia in the end and became an addict of alcohol and pills. I want to shout it out to everyone, but have tempered my doing that as I have realized that folks don’t know how to react. My friends and family have been very supportive, especially my new husband. I have found that Pilates has helped me to survive and I’m aiming towards creating a foundation that will help survivors heal thru Pilates, Yoga, Meditation, Massages and other healing sources. I only want to help others going thru this horrific healing of a huge hole in their hearts. Peace to you and keep smiling.
Well said Sharon. It is truly a before and after and everyday, every morning, I pray for strength, grace and peace to get thru another day without my Alexandra. Never in a million years would I have thought she would take her own life, but it happened. I kept telling myself to get busy living because dying wasn’t going to help anyone.
It is 359 days since my sister passed. I’m not even close to what you mention in your letter but it gives me hope one day I will. It’s hard to cope with this things without similar experiences and my only support group is oursideofsuicide.com. Having no one to relate with in this kind of matter. Thank you for your story and thanks oursideofsuicide.com.
Says it all Kimberley. This resonates with me almost 100% though I am only 14 months into the journey. I too hope to keep raising awareness., reducing stigma and being a better me. So much has changed. Sometimes I feel so empty I feel nothing at all and just stumble through. All the best on your journey and for your insight. It is a Terrible thing to bear. Suzanne xxx
Thank you for your reflection on 1000 Days After. I have lost a sister. A sister who was a constant in my life, and whom I loved for 56 years. A year has passed and the constant anguish and suffering that felt unbearable to sustain, somehow made it’s way into a year later. #1 is especially helpful. Thank you.