Like many survivors of suicide loss, I have spent the majority of time following my dad’s death invested in the way he died over the way he lived. For six years, I’ve analyzed his last few months and questioned if I could have done things differently.
Recently, I was sitting with a friend when she said something that struck me… Navigating a strained relationship with her own father, she said, “I’m envious of how close you were with your dad and wish our relationship was more like that.” She went on to say how amazing it is that I continue to honor my dad this long after his death through the blog and in my efforts to help other survivors. We’ve only known each other a few months, so all she’s really seen is my commitment to him through my writing.
To the outsider, I can absolutely appreciate this perception that we must have had a perfect relationship and that THIS is what’s driving me to continue talking about our lives so many years later. But, what I immediately rushed to tell her is that this is not entirely accurate. We had our ups and downs – like any family members do. As a judge, he could be pretty tough and strict. This didn’t always sit well with me and often led to conflict. Granted, I know all of this was intended to keep me safe and on track for a successful life, but it felt a bit stifling. To give her an example, I told my friend that as I was cleaning out my childhood bedroom, I found a letter he wrote me in high school for class retreat. Parents were supposed to write an inspiring and heartfelt note for their child to read during sunrise on the beach. I don’t know what anyone else’s letter contained, but mine was layered with critiques about my teenage behavior and how my selfishness affects him and our family. I was deflated. I’ll admit, I wasn’t (and am still not) anywhere near perfect. I still have that nearly 20-year-old letter – mainly because I want to hold onto pieces of him and like to see his handwriting. I understand that was a very long time ago and not a total representation of our relationship, but still – it illustrates a point. I could go on.
What I realized through this conversation is that the trauma of suicide and losing someone in such a violent and unexpected way overshadows every element of your living relationship. Experiencing this is SO bad that it forces an eternal connection to your loved one built around the way they died and trying to heal from it.
There are survivors who have had a long, argument-free relationship with their loved one and so their suicide death hurts badly. Others may have had their ups and downs – and the suicide death hurts badly. Yet even more survivors may have had a downright awful and unhealthy relationship with the person who died – and the loss still hurts badly.
The complexity of our respective relationships can certainly complicate the way we grieve, adding varying levels of guilt, remorse, and regret. No matter the nature of the relationship, we all have the right to grieve and be affected by this for the rest of our lives. You might think people are wondering, “How can you be so upset? You didn’t even get along?”
Suicide loss can be just as traumatizing if you were close or far apart. You suddenly become A SURVIVOR and that’s all that really seems to matter in the end.
Excellent
Since my son’s death 1 year ago, my relationship his 3 children, 19, 15 and 13 seems to be strained and at times difficult to find things to talk about. I used to be so close with them. I have asked them if they are mad at me, they say no. But, I wonder if they don’t blame me in a way for his death as we did live together for 5 yrs. after his 1st attemp..It hurts
I save your blog’s and give back every so often and read them again. They are so heartfelt and true. As a survivor of the death of my oldest son, I find them so soothing. It is like you are writing what I feel and sadly cannot express in my own writing. Thank you so very much.
I just want to reach and out and say thank you for writing these posts on your website. I have come back here often to read your words. I want you to know that everything your write resonates within me and I feel like you are talking about my exact feelings! I am a new survivor, losing my son to suicide back in June 2017. It has been so extremely difficult and sometimes I feel like I am the only one in our family who is having a hard time. Thank you for writing these posts they are helping me!! You are to be commended for your healing words for those of us trying to understand and navigate these hard times. Bless you!
Thanks for writing this; it comes at a good time for me. I had a similar conversation with a friend recently who has a complicated relationship with her mom. Something people don’t understand about suicide loss is that you don’t just lose a future with the person, you lose a past. I’m not even 2 years out, so maybe things will change, but every memory is tainted by this. I loved my mom very much, and we had what I thought was a good relationship, but I’d give up what we had in a second to not have to live with this.
Maybe I am better off having had her. I’ll never know. She set me up for success in so many ways. But the guilt and the pain of isolation is crushing. I have a great husband, lots of friends and go to a support group, but nothing fills the void that she left behind.