As a survivor of a suicide loss, I have found myself asking, “What were they thinking?” From a rational mindset, it is easy to look at someone’s situation and find a number of less permanent solutions than suicide. This often complicates the grief process even more, as we desperately try to understand the mindset of the person we lost to suicide. I recently re-watched the below video of Kevin Hines, suicide attempt survivor and mental health activist. We then received the following guest post from Kenneth McKenna, fellow survivor of a suicide loss and suicide attempt survivor. I wanted to share both, as they give insight into the mind of someone backed into the corner, seeing no other way out. Does it take the pain away, absolutely not. But, it does shed light on the irrational mind of those who have been lost to suicide.
“What were they Thinking?”
It’s been over a year now since the day my best friend and brother made the decision to take his life. I have a unique understanding and insight of what one might be thinking when your backed into a corner, and the time clock of life is ticking loudly in your head. You see I’m not only a survivor of his suicide but I have survived my own suicide attempt.
I’ve also been backed into that “deliberation of death corner” more than once. It’s an awful place to be. Everything comes rushing through your mind like a freight train about to derail. As hard as you try to keep the train on the tracks, derailment seems inevitable. As you contemplate your choices and foresee the outcomes like a movie you’ve watched a million times, that instinctual human conscience we all possess, ties your conception of right and wrong into a ball of knots. Unlike the decisions we all face in our daily lives, this decision carries consequences that will deeply affect and alter the lives of many people that are near and dear to you. I’ve heard it said that suicide is weak and selfish.
The tortuous thoughts that plagued my mind were not about myself, and far from self pity or the “Poor Me’s”. Your conscience asks you, “Will they hate me” ? And the repetitive thoughts of, “My God, I don’t want to hurt anyone else but I just can’t go on like this” consume you. It becomes a tortuous cycle of thoughts that push you closer to the edge you’re walking towards. It’s at the edge of that ledge where the pain of hanging on can become greater than the pain of letting go.
In my case what seemed to be an insignificant event, happened at a very significant time in my life, causing me to pause long enough to interrupt the cycle of torturous thoughts. I am grateful every minute of every day that I did not act on my thoughts but I also understand how someone could get trapped in the cycle of thoughts and not see any way out. Because of my insight I realize it’s much more complicated than the thoughts that losing a loved one to suicide present us with. The questions of, “Was there something
more I could’ve done?” “Was it something I said, or didn’t say?” These are both normal human reactions to a hard to understand tragedy where there are many unresolved issues and unanswered questions. I can tell you with all honesty that through those times I never stopped loving or caring for those who cared
and loved me. No one event, person, place or thing, started my thoughts of ending it all. I don’t condone suicide as a permanent solution to temporary problems, but also don’t condemn those unfortunate souls who didn’t get the second chance I got.
Thank you so very much for sharing your experience. I so often go to that dark place, asking, what if I had done this or that. Torturous thoughts that plague most who lose a loved one to suicide. I wonder if he wanted to pull back but was too far into the process to stop. I’ll never stop missing or loving Kevin.
I am so sorry that my son felt this way. I wish I could have saved him but I didn’t.
Jackie, please don’t ever blame yourself. You will see him again.
Hi Jackie, First I’d like to say my heart is crying for you because I know The pain that runs through your entire body 24 hours a day. I lost my 20 year old son, Stephen to suicide on May 7th 2016….the day before Mother’s Day (the very worst day of my life and will be forever!) I’m not going to sit here and go through my sons 20 years of life and the continuous rollercoaster it was but I ask myself every darn day “Why didn’t I do something, Why as a mother did I not see what was going to happen” I have so many Why’s and so much guilt in my heart that will never go away. When I woke up back on May 7th 2016 the very first words out of my mouth to my daughter and son-in-law were “Something Bad Is Going To Happen To Stephen” I swear to Jesus those were my words and I pushed the feeling away and thought to myself that it was just a crazy thought!!!!! Well. later that afternoon I received a call from my older daughter and my worst nightmare happened……my son, Stephen decided to take his life!!! I will live with this guilt for the rest of my entire life. I should have went with my gut and went to my son that morning…….Why, Why, Why didn’t I…………So like you said, I only wish I could have saved him!! I have four other children and three beautiful grandchildren that I love dearly, but most every night before I go to sleep I ask god to take me….please just take me to my Stephen. This pain is unbearable!! I pray for you and every parent whos lost their child! God Bless You Jackie
Today 11 yrs ago my beautiful daughter Cherèse lost her battle with depression
I wish I could turn back time I should have saved you. I miss you my darling daughter.
Thank you for this article/video. This is enormously helpful to me to hear from someone who has experienced suicide as a family survivor and especially the insight as an attempt survivor. I constantly replay my last conversations with my sister analyzing every word I said, questioning whether I, too was part of the reason she took her life. It’s an agony I live and strive to cope with on a daily basis. This article/video reminds me that she loved us and would never intend to hurt us. She was in extreme emotional pain and suffering with despair that presented as hopeless to ever get better.
This site is a tremendous help. Thank you.
I feel so guilty that I neglected to read the signs of despair and hopelessness that my son obviously felt…..felt strongly enough that he could take his own life. I don’t think he wanted to hurt any of us, or me of course. But the hole in my heart is there forever and will not heal. That hurt is worse than anything imaginable. I would give anything to be able to pull him back from making that final decision.
Suicide leaves a kind of grief, few know. You are all so brave and you are not alone!
I am plagued with wondering if My son regretted jumping as soon as he did it? But it was too late! He left for college ‘happy’. The previous evening had been ok. He’d emptied the dishwasher (my last memory) sat with his brother watching a YouTube video making him a bit late walked to station and then…. gone!
Some days I don’t know how I’ll keep going myself! But I know I have to for his brothers. But the loss is so hard every day!