It still happens fairly often and always without warning: I relive the traumatic moments when I learned my dad took his life. It’s been over six years since he died.
I share this because I want you to know you’re not alone. Whether it’s been days or decades, experiencing the unexpected and violent loss of a loved one is almost sure to lead to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), something we cover a lot here.
I found myself going down this dark alley yesterday evening. I paid a visit to my mom’s house in my hometown, a new place she moved into after his death. As I attempted to sleep in the quiet of the night, my mind started churning. I progressed through all the thoughts – “I’m in this house because my dad’s suicide led us out of my childhood home.” “I’m disappointed I’ll never be in that house again.” “It’s a shame my dad will never meet the grandkids I brought here to visit.” And, then it got worse. “I remember that time at work I learned the news….” From there, I dove deep into every single emotion and detail of the life-altering moment. In the darkness, I could feel and hear my heart begin to beat faster as the vivid memories played through my mind. The shock. The terror. The colleagues racing to my side to comfort me as I collapsed to the floor. A friend slamming closed the laptop that displayed a photo of my dad with the news headline that he had been found dead…
I took a deep breath and reminded myself that this was in the past. I had been through the worst already. (At least, I hope.) This was just a memory. Right now, I was safe and everything was ok. Replaying it wasn’t going to change anything. This also got me thinking about how far I have come, even if moments like this set me back.
Sometimes, the “aftershock scares” occur in different ways. I am still recovering from an intense moment where I thought it happened all over again. I was sitting in a work meeting states away from home when my phone started ringing off the hook. Numbers I knew, numbers I didn’t know. I tried to ignore them on silent and pretend to concentrate. Finally, sheer panic set in when my video doorbell rang and I could see a policeman standing at my doorstep. I stood up, told everyone something was wrong and ran to the hallway. I called my husband at work and blurted out, “who is it?” I wanted to know who had died. THANKFULLY, it was nobody. The cat set off our house alarm. I just sat there in a crumpled ball on the floor, cold, clammy and my heart beating out of my chest. It was THAT feeling I knew all too well. Everyone could tell I wasn’t the same after that and it took me a very long time to feel normal again.
I try my best to get through these moments by applying self-care techniques I’ve learned through grief therapy, hypnotherapy and Reiki sessions. Deep breaths, realizing that at this very point in time I am safe and trying to foster an immediate change of mindset.
PTSD after suicide loss is very real. And, even though we may not think that what we’ve been through “qualifies” as such, there’s great likelihood for it. The passage of time doesn’t necessarily wash it away.
I don’t think anyone around me or who follows me on social media would have any idea I still experience these grief aftershocks, which is isolating. That’s why it’s important to share about this with others, including a professional who can help, if that feels appropriate.
I have this with my son, Eric David Duvall. He shot himself in the heart. I was only 5 feet away. Only his bathroom wall to separate us. I called 911, but too too sadly he died in my arms. He was 23. I still replay this over but try to change the subject in my mind. It always goes back to his death. Why am I sad. Why can’t I get it together. Why isn’t he here..but I have done things to keep me busy, especially since its his first year and it gets worse because he did this on October 13, 2016 and his first year was Friday 13 2017. But I did the out of darkness walk. Erected a billboard with 9 0ther souls so I did stay busy. But I still felt like I went backwards and couldn’t be consoled. Next morning, I’m better, but its good to know its normal, instead of thinking I’m going crazy. Thank you so much for writing this. I’m trying to figure it out.
eva i relive the day everyday -I also was in our home when Justin took his life on 5/5/16. I was the one who called 911, sat with him on the bathroom floor, while i watched him gasp for air. This is what i see when i close my eyes, when i try to go on. Our lives will never be the same, I try to push myself forward but I’m exhausted. There are days I just want to be left alone, whereas other days I seek out family or friends. I am learning to listen to myself, allow myself the alone time to chill without feeling guilty. I am no longer able to work- i can’t handle stress, loud noises,certain smells. I know neither of us every wanted to be on this journey ,
I was hoping this would get better over the years. I found my 16 year old daughter Annika in the middle of the night it will be 1 year this December 12. That image haunts me all the time. We were sleeping right above her, yet she could not come to us and explain her troubles or ask for help. Our precious child lay lifeless in my arms, the color of her skin….. enough said…. These images haunt me 2 to 3 times a day, Triggers everywhere, and yet nobody around me even knows the hell I am going through inside my head. I took over the Out of Darkness walk in our community partly because know one wanted to do it anymore, and mainly for the memory of Annika. The burden I have taken on to help our community to get out of the darkness on mental illness is weighing heavy on me right now, by doing this it does make me feel closer to my Angel. Thank you for opening up your personal thoughts on this topic.
My brother shot himself in the head on 8/4/05 and I used to relive it every day, sometimes multiple times a day, and several times at night. The phone call from my dad, having to tell my mom (who was in the ICU after a heart attack), every single detail, until I found EMDR therapy last year. It stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It uses pulse energy to push the unpleasant memories to the back of your mind. I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone suffering from PTSD. Research it and see it it’s for you. It was a life saver for me. I still remember my brother we were best friends and he’s forever with me….but now I remember the good things, the fun we used to have and how much love we shared. I’m sorry for all the pain we all feel after this horrible experience we share.
I lost my son last August 13, 2016. Yes, it’s been a year, it is slightly better, however I usually cry at least once a day or more. I’m in therapy, but sometimes I think the second year may even harder as you have come out of shock and now it real, he’s not coming back. He jumped from the top of the bay bridge, his first attempt doing the same thing, but it was a miracle he lived. I have to cross the bay bridge usually once a week and it is becoming harder this year. Any thoughts?
Hi Carol – Have you worked with a grief therapist yet? Something that was helpful for me was tapping therapy. It helped me work through specific elements or visuals of the loss to bring more comfort. I’m also remembering something that a different therapist had me do several years ago after I had been in (and terrified by) a car accident. She had me slowly and quietly visualize it again but this time with someone who brings me a lot of comfort in life by my side. (To pretend they had been there to comfort me through it in the moment.) This also helped me feel better about it and try to remember it that way.
I relived my son’s death every night for the first 18 months. Then it slowly began to lift and I started sleeping again but now I grind my teeth and wake up with soreness and headaches. It seems there is no escape. Even though the autopsy said “accidental heroin intoxication”, my son knew exactly what would happen if he used again. We talked about it the week before his death. He even had his affairs in order and told me he know how to make it look like an accident. He was scared and made a couple phone calls before he shoved the needle in his arm. He was found in a PetsMart bathroom. I was waiting for him 1 mile away in his apartment. It will be 3 years on November 10. And it has wrecked my life. I blame myself, as I think most parents do when they lose a child to drugs.
I can identify with the notion of PTSD. Some time after losing my son to suicide, I was in a situation where I thought harm had come to another son, as an ambulance was driving out of his place. My body felt like it did not belong to me – I shook uncontrollably in absolute panic, concerning people around me, who thought I was over-reacting, but it was not something I had any control over. I have never experienced anything like this. ( My son had suffered a shoulder injury from a quad bike.)
My Dad died by suicide a little over four years ago. I found him and I cant get that image out of my head. It does appear at the strangest times and especially when I try to sleep. What makes all this worse it that his suicide triggered a lot of past traumas that I thought I had dealt with. So I’m a real mess right now but working on it with some counselors. Take care of yourself.