So often we are told, “It is time to get over it and move on” after the loss of a loved one to suicide. It fascinates me that we have this notion that in order to move forward, we have to “get over” the person that we have lost. Getting over someone that you have loved is simply not possible. The grieving process isn’t about moving on; it’s about moving forward WITH the person that you lost.
One busy morning I was crabby and short fused as I rushed around to get everyone ready. My daughter grabbed my hand, looked me in the eyes and said, “Mommy, let’s dance.” It took my breath away. It couldn’t have been more apparent that my father was speaking to me through her little mouth. So, we danced. Dancing to get us out of our funk has become our thing. When we are feeling crabby, we dance it out. And in those moments I feel my dad’s presence. I often look up to the sky, and thank him for reminding me to “keep on dancing.”
I recently shared my story of connection with a client of mine who lost her mother. I showed her this bracelet, and talked about the meaning behind it. 
In every card, and note given to me by my dad would be this message; “Keep on Dancing-don’t sit any out.” It was his way of telling me to keep your head held high, not allowing the weight of this world to impact your ability to stand on your own two feet. At the time it was a simple message. Now it is a phrase that I live by. It has helped me move forward with him, instead of moving on without him.
Moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting. Moving forward means finding a way to remain connected to your loved one. It isn’t the same; I will be the first to acknowledge this. But it keeps you close to the person you lost. It reminds you of the time spent with them, the lessons learned, the memories that were created. Most importantly, it keeps the person alive in your heart. That is what the grief process is about.
Jessica, your post spoke to me! Society so wants us to get over our loss… I for one never will but as you wrote have learned to carry my dad with me … I will always be connected with him. Thanks for the positive spin on the grieving process! Great story about your father’s words through your sweet daughter! It is so nice to hear how our loved ones are with us always!
Always always always with us!!! We just have to keep our eyes and hearts open:)
Jessica so true!!
I tell my two boys everyday that there are two things we need to do. 1) create a new normal in our lives without their Mother and 2) move forward with their lives knowing that their Mother would always want them to do this.
Donna will always be with them, because after all she is a part of them and so am I. So moving forward also means staying close to those that are still with us and keeping those that are gone with us in our hearts.
A friend of mine, who lost her husband to cancer, once said that we lose a piece of our heart when those we love are gone, but it will heal and we then can move forward in life.
I love the advice you give to your sons! So often we feel that we need to “let go.” And yes, our heart does heal. However, there is a scar that remains that reminds us of the love that we have for the person that we lost.
Thank you for this article. It’s so spot on. My own mother said to me only 9 months after losing my only daughter of 27 years to suicide and I was appalled. I now find myself moving forward but I wear a necklace with all my Ally’s charms on it to remind me that she’s close to my heart and I feel like I’m taking her with me where ever I go. I wrote a blog about how I tried to find myself after losing the love of my life. It’s about reminding myself who I was before I had my child.
http://isoalexandraandpeace.blogspot.com/2017/03/my-new-normal-meets-joni-mitchell.html
Beautiful post! I agree with your statement about the past. I tell people all the time to go back. Sometimes you have to go back in order to move forward. There is a difference between visiting the past, and setting up permanent residency in the past. The key is to just visit, and then pack up and go back to the present.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I lost my father 13 years ago in 2004. 3 weeks before my 40th birthday. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster know seems to understand. I know my wishes I could just get past it….. what has helped me is finding people who have survived such a tragedy as I have and my little sister. She seems to cope with it better. I think finding others like me is therapy for me. I have joined AFSP is trying to help support their mission is raising awareness and prevention of Suicide and Mental Health Issues. May you have a wonderful day. I am going to dance when I am in a funk every morning when I wake up!! Thank you again.
Make it a great day,
Ruby Carrell
Im sorry for the words I left out of my sentences. I should have proof read my comment before I sent it… oh well. 🙂 .
Yes, dance! It is amazing how quickly my mood changes. And I agree…connecting with others who have experienced a similar tragedy is beyond helpful:)
Thank you for that feedback about you and your daughter dancing to get through it. I usually need to go sit in my son’s room and sit and “have a conversation” about what’s happening…the feral kitten adopting us and being a source of comedy, and other things I’ve noticed showing up in my life. Beautiful days or moments have a way of getting me weeping briefly. I absolutely love it when a pun comes out of no where (….my son was a fantastic punster) and I start laughing. The inner folders inbetween the ears are finally opening up. I loved the dream about my son and I chasing each other in play in some huge palace room. I really miss rough-housing with him. I still need the Holy Spirit’s help more than usual in finding things around the house and in the car….and I still fall asleep to Ministry or music cds and dvds
You have found a way to embrace the pain, which is no easy task. But it does bring us closer to the person we lost. I love the connection you continue to have with your son. It is inspiring and beautiful!