Until my dad died by unexpected suicide, I had only ever lost loved ones to long battles with illness. Like many things in life, this was another of those things I didn’t have to think about before. “Suicide [and sudden loss] doesn’t happen to people like me,” I’d say. Now, I’m acutely aware of just how fragile life can be. Not only am I aware – lately, I’m crippled with anxiety about it.
Part of this has to do with paying too much attention to the news on top of the loss I experienced. Every day, there are stories of freak accidents, storms or other incidents that rob someone of another day. I try my best to shy away from them, but for some reason, I just pick up on these things…maybe because they perpetuate and validate my fear.
Recently, I’ve had a few people respond with surprise that my mind “goes there” so easily and I start to feel ashamed. For example, I bought a book and casually asked the sales person when a new title by a politician would be coming out. He mentioned she’d be making a book tour stop in the city. Of all the things to say my immediate reply was, “well, I’d never go to something like that because it’s a very vulnerable situation to be in that kind of crowd these days.” I don’t think he even knew how to respond. In another situation, I was grabbing coffee with a friend when I could see a fight breaking out among some guys across the street. My mind flashed forward to seeing guns (of which there were hopefully none) and me being caught in the crossfire. My heart started beating out of my chest and I told my friend we had to leave immediately. Again, she was taken aback and said, “why not just ignore them?”
Why can’t I just ignore them?
I wish I could, but I can’t. I’m scared to death of losing someone (or myself) to another unexpected traumatic death. Unfortunately, the curtain has been lifted and I know I am no longer immune to bad things. So, I try to be careful. Very careful. Maybe too careful.
All of this isn’t great, I know. It’s not a good thing to let fear win and avoid living life or attending things out of somewhat irrational worries. You know what else? Those are the exact kind of worries that plagued my dad. They can be cumbersome.
I’m working on it. I really don’t want to let this fear overcome me. But, I chalk this up to one of the pieces of baggage I carry in the wake of suicide loss. It may not be normal to those who haven’t experienced what I have. I wish I could put everyone I know and love in a bubble and swallow my worries. Time can heal and lessen many aspects of loss but others may take a while or never go away. I’ve been chipping away at this fear for six years now.
Omg, I lost my dad a year ago yesterday and it has been similar to yours, very unexpected.
Not only has it rocked my entire world I feel this same sense of anxiety and fear daily. Just like you over the strangest things that the old me would have never even given thought to before. Much like my dad who suffered anxiety. I try to fight it everyday and think I am losing my mind. I think you so much for history and all your posts. Honestly, after I found your articles and website and th page, I found some true comfort for the first time since it happened.
Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart for sharing your greif and helping me cope.
I know exactly I am caught in the middle of some days fear overwhelming me with saddness and all the danger and turmoil of life so I can’t even listen to the news or go outside to being brave one day and realizing how fragile life is and doing something out of character as the goo goo dolls say just to know I’m alive , I found my lover hanging and the most unlikely triggers come and freeze me with fear to the point of just leaving in the middle of shopping .
Thank you for sharing your story! My 25 year old son “died by unexpected suicide” (I love that term!) 4 years and 9 months ago. Since then, I have been forced to live with the fact that horrible traumatic things happen every day and that I do not have control over what will happen next. I can make choices that I hope will keep me and my loved ones safe, but there are never any guarantees. I share with you in the thought of knowing that “Time can heal and lesson many aspects of loss but others may take a while or never go away”.
I lost my dad a year ago in July and I have to say I feel this way also. I feel like my life pattern has been altered. My family has had very few losses and the ones we have had were natural death. So, when this happened I felt that it created an altered fate…if that makes sense. I have always had a weird thought that each family had their cross to bear…whether it be cancer, drug addiction, alcoholism, diabetes,…etc. It is hard to explain…but like something that happens in a pattern in a family. We hadn’t had any of these or any other kinds of tragic deaths….our cross to bear had been depression. My father’s suicide, I feel, opened myself and family up to more tragedy. My son just turned 16 and I have an overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety with him driving. I keep thinking something bad is going to happen because i now live in fear of another tragic event. I hope these feelings go away…but my sense of security and reality are not the same right now.
It helps me to read everyone’s experiences with this – the most horrible thing that anyone could bear. I lost my only child, my grown son, to suicide and I am still in disbelief that this could happen in my life. He was 41 and had 3 young beautiful boys he left behind. How? Why? Will never be answers. But what I am experiencing even now 1.5 years later is not fear of what might happen next but a reluctance to enjoy anything. It’s like I am constantly being overcome with sadness deep in my heart and whenever something fun goes on that I am part of, I immediately feel like it’s not really fun because my son is gone. And I feel that the worst thing that could ever happen has already happened – nothing else could affect my life in the same way. I hope that 4 years, 6 years, or however many years out I can find some joy in doing things again.
After reading everyone’s experience, it feels like I am not alone. I lost my only sister (who was like my daughter but also like my mother in giving love and care) a couple of weeks ago. I still feel it is a dream and will be over soon but it is not getting over and she is not back yet. Unexpected suicide, while she we know she was always full of life, loving and caring, has left our brain and hearts in shock. We were best friends and she was my best reflection, my shadow. I don’t know how will I pass my life without her. I hope we all find a way and can do something to prevent this. Life is unexpected and unfair we knew but it is extremely brutal as well.
This is the best site I have found that offers understanding & comfort. My father ended his life by gunshot 8 months ago. When I found him I was in such shock that the next few days felt like they weren’t real. I also live in extreme fear that something tragic will happen to my loved ones, especially my daughter. I know I can’t prevent something from happening, but o know I could not survive this kind of loss again. I have lost motivation for my job. My dad’s death has given me a new perspective on life. I’m ready to move on to another career and something that is meaningful & has a purpose for the higher good.
I lost my dad to suicide 9 weeks ago. He showed no signs of depression. He was 72 years old husband od 50 years with 3 children and 5 grandchildren. He still worked full-time and was planning retirement at the end of this year. They had no debt and financially secure.
He and my mother had recently dine a roundtrip to QLD to visit myself and my daughter, his granddaughter for her 18th birthday.
We had a very relaxing time he seemed tired and a little sentimental but certainly no signs of intending to commit suicide.
After he and mum returned to Sydney he returned to work. And his life w3nt on as usual until the dreadful day he got up and has decided that was the day he would take his life.
I still just cannot get my head around it all.
With so many questions going through my head around what tipped him over the edge to do such a horrific thing in such a publis place.
It is certainly a heart breaking time. And so many un asked questions.