September is National Suicide Prevention Month and as a community who’ve experienced the loss of a loved one, I’m sure it’s safe to say we’ve all become unintentional prevention advocates. However, today we’re sharing a popular post from guest author and survivor, Christine, who lost her son Marc two years ago. This first ran in September 2016 but we so relate to this reflection. She touches on the emotions and guilt that can surface for survivors this month, who may be wondering what more they could have done to prevent a loss.
Battling Guilt Over Suicide Prevention
National Suicide Prevention Month is observed each September and survivors will often see social media plastered with the simple message that suicide can be prevented. As a survivor, this upsets me. Short posts and memes declare that by showing someone you care or by picking up a phone you can or may save a life. Did you notice the words “can” and “may” in those sentences? I feel that many people miss reading those words, if they are even included. Those words are crucial to the message because saving a life is not always the outcome.
Without the words “can” or “may,” a reader who has never experienced the horror of having a loved one die by suicide can easily conclude that a family who has had this type of tragedy must not have loved enough or cared enough or have ever had those conversations. Even worse, an individual who has lost a loved one to suicide may read those statements and be overwhelmed by guilt thinking that there was something more they could have done! We know better, and hindsight is a struggle for survivors. As if we don’t already second-guess everything we said or did, over and over, while reliving the days leading up to our loss…
My oldest son, Marc, died by suicide on September 6, 2015 at the age of 21. He had been struggling with depression and addiction for a few years. During that time our family encouraged and helped him to find counseling and treatment centers. We remained a close family throughout and did things together regularly and spoke daily. What more could I have done to show him I cared?
The Utter brothers, Marc pictured top left
Several months after his death, I decided to try a suicide support group. I was surprised to find very few options and the only group in my area was still a 45 minute drive from my home. One thing that I found encouraging about that group, according to the description on their website, was that they recognized the tragedy of suicide was not the fault of the family. So I decided that the drive was worth it and I would give them a try.
When I got there though, I was surprised to find pamphlets left on the table from their suicide prevention group that declared suicide was preventable. (You’re reading it correctly. There was no “can” or “may” in that sentence.) How could they support the idea that suicide was preventable on one hand and then on the other claim to recognize that suicide was not the family’s fault? I wanted to leave but stayed through the meeting so that when it was my turn to share I could point out this discrepancy in their materials and explain to them exactly the burden of guilt this type of message laid on the survivors. They listened with shocked expressions and quickly picked up all of the suicide prevention pamphlets. I hope that they sincerely listened and have since added the words “can” or “may” to the information they provide their clients.
This year, when I see those short statements and memes posted on social media, I plan take the time to reply to make sure that the words “can” and “may” are made clear. I certainly wish suicide prevention was as simple as some of those messages make it out to be. If it only took love and a conversation, my son would certainly still be here today, as would your loved ones. Suicide and the decision to end one’s life after a debilitating struggle are much more complicated than that.
About the Author
Christine Utter survived the loss of her son Marc to suicide. Disappointed by the lack of resources and support groups in her area, she founded her own and started a Page on Facebook called Sharing Our Stories. Her first meeting’s reflection started with this sentence: “Deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world I could have done to have stopped my loved one’s suicide, I would have done it.”
I could not agree with you more. I have also seen from some of the AFSP groups “suicide is 100% preventable” if is was then why are the statistics going up?
Jackie B
A interesting development: since my daughter’s death, guilt has overwhelmed me, not only the quilt I feel about not preventing her suicide, but also guilt for anything I may have done, or not done to save my husband who died 45 miles away from me. We thought he had the flu. Also. I feel extreme guilt for anything I may have done that interfered with my parents’ marriage.
Just had a conversation with my husband about this last night! Suicide is only 100% preventable IF you can be there that VERY moment to snatch the pills, gun, car keys, helium tank, knife, scarf, purse, trash bag, electric cord, bridge, tall building, etc. away! I guess we could also handcuff our self to them for 24/7 and never sleep. Then there’s always the padded cell and keeping them naked.
I agree with you 100%. My daughter attempted suicide 4 time and succeeded the 5th time 18 months ago. She was 27 and struggled with addiction and severe depression. I had in her in and out of rehab trying to help her. On her computer, we found a website she read that explained how to successfully kill herself with chemicals. She was determined to succeed no matter how much we tried to help her, unless like you said, be with her 24/7.
I coold not agree with you more. My husband died by suicide on February 14, 2016. I had no idea he was even considering suicide and neither did his closest friends. It was not preventable as far as I can see.
As someone who has been at the point of death by suicide I would like to share with you that there may have been nothing you could have done to prevent your loved ones death. Trust me we do think about you and we do think about what we are leaving behind but in our mind there is no hope…no other way. We are not doing it to punish you we are doing it because we love you and think that you would have a better life without the burdens that we carry deep within us. Some of these burdens are unspeakable. We don’t know how to cope or how to accept help. I got help because I verbalized my feelings to someone and they forced me into the hospital. To this day I still carry unspeakable burdens and struggle everyday to believe that those around me do want me in their lives despite the burdens. I beg you to please love those who remain with all of your heart and soul and remember that you did nothing wrong. We make the choice to accept help or not…. Some times though the pain and suffering is too great to see beyond and this is why we choose to take our own lives. We want to be free. God bless all of you who are suffering loss and please believe your loved ones are at peace.
I realize this post if from a year ago. Thank you for sharing your struggles with suicide. I struggle every day with my conversations with my sister the evening before she took her life. Was I insensitive to the enormity of her pain? Did I say something that triggered her suicide? How could she not know me better? How did I not know her better? How did I “not” know? My mind goes on and on. We always had each other, ALWAYS, this was never in question, or so I thought. My suffering since losing her has brought anguish, suffering and hopelessness to me and my brother. I remind myself her suffering, pain and despair had to be completely unbearable as she was the most selfless person I’ve ever known. It brings another level of sadness and anguish to me to think she possibly thought we would be better off without her in our lives. This along with recognizing now, she was suffering tremendously and shared so little of her pain. This the most painful for me to live with. Knowing someone you loved so dearly, suffered so tremendously. Your perspective from your personal struggle is so very helpful. I pray you know how very much you are loved especially in times of despair.
Thank You Angela for sharing this. My son committed suicide on June 4, 2017. reading this helped me.
Bless You
I think guilt is unfortunately part of the complicated grief after a loved one does by suicide. I lost my youngest son, and only biological child by suicide. He shot himself in his bedroom while my wife, and I were at work using my own hunting gun. I had stored it in my closet upper shelf, unloaded, but no trigger lock. I had no idea my son had ever looked at it as a way to end his life. My son had never shot a gun in his life, nor ever asked about that gun. No parent should have to see what my wife, and I found that day.
My son had been diagnosed years ago with what his therapist had said was just ADD, and mild depression. Clearly she could not have been more wrong. His therapist in the 2 years she saw him never discusses suicide prevention, never gave us a safety plan, screened him for suicide … I regret everyday we trusted her. I have no doubt my son never told her he was suicidal, but she failed to follow even basic suicide prevention protocols, like telling us to secure any weapons, talking to him about suicide….
He had been working, obtained his EMT, yet he butchered himself after just a few days on his new job with a Ambulance transport company. We had no obvious warning he was suicidal. He seemed perfectly fine that last night, discussed his job, told me he was looking forward to sleeping in…
We were just ordinary parents doing our best. We buried our heads in the sand he could ever do such a thing with disastrous results.
I feel guilt everyday over failing to protect, and save my son. It was my responsibility to secure my gun, and I failed to do so. The gun made it too easy, too fast, no going back. I now know guns are used in about 50% of all suicides.
Bottom line is while I feel some guilt like many suicide survivors do we did not know those dark thoughts he was hiding. We were not mind readers, he only told us what he wanted to us to hear. It’s heartbreaking, because we were right there, would have done anything to save him. It seems something in his mental illness prevented him from reaching out to the help that was right in front of them.
My friend committed suicide on the start day of National Suicide Prevention Week just under two weeks ago. I have such tremendous sadness and terrible guilt that i could have done something to help. My friend always was the strong one, which makes it so much more unbearable to deal with the fact he is gone. He was so kind and helpful when i lost my parents this year and he seemed perfectly happy and nothing was worrying at all, he always would say something if he felt stressed. But he didn’t this time.
I feel as i have failed him as a friend.
I wish i could rewind the past month, just so that i could at least seen something, just a little red flag to anything he seemed quiet about.
I will carry this terrible guilt with me to my grave. Nothing seems real. You try and search for the answers, but you are just left with more confusion and anger.
This is the first person I was close to, to lose to suicide. It has left our community of friends absolutely bereft., it takes a lot of fear and courage to take your own life. That thought that he had no way out, haunts me.
I guess the only comfort in the future is to make peace with myself in never getting to understand or search for the reason as to why he took his own life.
I lost my daughter to suicide, just over a year ago, she was 17. She suffered with depression and anxiety and had been seeing a counsellor on and off for about 3 years. I knew at times she struggled but didn’t realise how much, she seemed happy, had not long passed her driving test and was looking forward to going to VFestival with her friends and going to Barcelona for her 18th, then suddenly she was gone, it is heartbreaking, I miss her so much and the thought that she was in so much pain that she didn’t want to carry on, I feel devastated and so sad for her
I had mixed feelings after reading this. You are correct. There is no cure for mental illness. Suicide is the terrible end result of mental illness.
My daughter died by suicide. She struggled with mental illnesses a long time. She was too fragile for this earth!
I do believe that some suicides can be prevented. A long road of counseling, medication and care can prevent some suicides.
I pray for.this.
My 21 year old son took his life this last July after a 7 year struggle with drugs and alcohol. My husband and I tried to get him help. Before he was an adult, we sent him to treatment twice. Once he was 18 he refused to go to counseling or take antidepressants. We reached out to so many professionals for help. Not one seemed at all concerned about him. By looking at his actions we knew something was terribly wrong and we tried to talk to him and spend time with him and get him to see a doctor, but he just laughed and said we worried too much. He shot himself 3 days later. I feel tremendous guilt, but I cannot think on one more thing we could have done. Our lives were consumed by trying to reach him for over 7 years. We have to accept his choice and understand the terrible pain he must have been feeling to choose this. People should reach out, but it does not mean you can stop them.
You are right Lacey…there is little else you could have done. Addictions are so difficult. People will say “just stop using” or “go to rehab” but if it were that easy, there would be no such thing as alcohol or drug abuse. Similar to a patient diagnosed with cancer, you can’t force anyone to get help. You can’t tie them to a chair and force chemo, and you certainly can’t force an addict to give up the one thing that often gives them relief. My heart always goes out to those who lost someone to an addiction. Suicide is often outside of our control. Couple it with addiction, and you are truly a helpless being. Know that you did all that you could have done!