Guest blogger Tara B. shares with us this week her reflections and learnings as a “motherless daughter.” Tara’s mom died by suicide nearly two years ago.
Motherless Daughters
As I approach the two-year mark of losing my mom to suicide I can’t help but reflect on HOW different my life is now.
I will NEVER forget the day my counselor told me, “We aren’t here to FIX you, we are just trying to find your NEW normal.”
Talk about a breath of fresh air…
I don’t want to forget about what happened to my mom because it has FOREVER changed me. I will not allow myself to stay quiet during this grieving process, because I don’t want to forget about her life. She is the ONE person who has had the MOST impact on my life, and even though she isn’t physically here, she continues to shape who I am daily.
Tara and her mom
The hardest part about losing her to suicide was not having all the answers. I remember tearing apart my parents house, looking for clues. A sign…a reason. If only I had more information, I would be able to understand it all. But instead, I got a goodbye letter, which left me with resentment and even more unanswered questions.
What I have learned is that I don’t need answers. They don’t serve a purpose. It doesn’t change the past. I spent countless months replaying everything…over and over. Like a broken record, reliving all the details. From our last conversation to the what ifs … I blamed myself and the guilt was heavy.
In my situation, the signs were there. I knew something wasn’t right. I begged her to get help. She didn’t. The guilt has been the HARDEST thing for me to work through. Through counseling, I have finally accepted that I will NEVER understand, what my mom was going through. She was closed off and no matter how much I pried, she would’ve continued to hide her feelings from me. I didn’t have the ability to change her outcome. In order for her to get help…she had to want it for herself.
Unfortunately, anxiety and depression are now a part of my world. I worry about losing loved ones or something happening to me. My mom’s death left me feeling out of control. I am still learning how to manage these feelings and not let them consume me.
The weight was lifted off my shoulders the day I realized I am NOT powerless. I have the power to take responsibility for my life and the choices I make. Self awareness has been a HUGE factor in helping me move forward. I monitor my thought patterns and behaviors daily. I don’t allow myself to stay in a negative space for long.
I have implemented self care in my routine to help keep my negative mindset in check. I believe in the power of positivity. I make time for me. Exercise and reading for personal development have been the best form of positive growth and stress relief.
For me, it brought comfort to believe that my mom’s death served a greater purpose. Something positive had to come from losing one of the most important people in my life. I used that thought process as my platform to help myself and others.
Her death taught me so many life lessons:
- Live in the moment and cherish the relationships around you
- Tell your loved ones how you feel
- Don’t sweat the small stuff, there is more to life than owning nice things
But most importantly, it showed me that I am stronger than I ever imagined and I am capable of overcoming loss.
I do know, grieving isn’t easy. You could be having the best day and be smacked blindsided by grief. A song on the radio, a Facebook photo, a memory, it always comes when you least expect it…when we aren’t protecting our heart and our guard is down. During these times, you must allow yourself grace. I remind myself that I feel this way because my love for her runs deep. My grief process is a reminder of just how strong the mother/daughter bond is. When I look into my daughter’s eyes, I know what type of impact I will forever have on her life.
Thank you for sharing this Tara. My wife died by suicide in February and I can relate to a lot of what you are talking about with the feelings of guilt and seeing the signs. Please continue posting and it definitely helps knowing that we are not alone in our grief and others are going through similar situations.
You are very welcome. I know it makes it a little easier when you feel like you aren’t going through this alone. Thank you so much for reaching out. Talking about it has been therapeutic for me!
Tara, I know of you through Shea. I am her aunt. I lost my 13 year old son almost 4.5 years ago. Though the circumstances are different, what you say here is the same for most who are deeply grieving the loss of someone we loved with all of our heart and soul. This road we travel is so unpredictable. I know I am a completely different person now. Oh how I long for the person I once was! My new normal is ok but so different. Hugs to you!
I do not believe we ever truly understand the impact a person(s) has on our life until they are gone. we often ignore them, their advice, busy ourselves with other things expecting them to always be there and some day we will ‘have time’ to really get to know them. it is very much like that with many children/parent relationships. we do not like their suggestions, we are busy with other things/people, we do not like ‘being bossed’ and then we grow older, as do they, and then they are gone. we have not asked the questions we wanted to, not told them we are sorry, not sat down with cup of tea and just listened and not just shared time. we were too busy living and thinking they would always be there. My mom started slowly with memory loss and it was not long and she did not know her children and forgot so much that she wanted to say and did not understand anything we would talk to her about…she would only smile with a very puzzled look on her face trying to decide who we were and why we were talking to her. I am thankful she did not have some horrible disease that destroyed her body and that her health was good…she just had no memory of my father as she looked at him in his coffin the day of his funeral and asked me who he was and if he had worked with ‘her husband.’ I just remember small things like my mom being very financially responsible with my dad’s small paychecks, wanting us to have the best they could afford, being happy for us since we had more than they did as young people and missing us because two of us did not live close. I married right out of high school and moved hundreds, then thousands of miles away and raised two daughters on the opposite coast and travel was very expensive. we missed a lot of years, a lot of conversations, a lot of never-made memories and often felt like strangers when we did get together, our worlds were very different. now I would just like a few more moments with a mom who could remember my name and have a cup of tea…….just for one last time.
Tara,
Thank you for sharing this you are right it does help knowing Im not alone this year will also be two years for me from losing my mother to suicide. I unfortunately didn’t get a note or hint of any goodbye and went in forever being angry at her because I thought my love wasn’t enough for her to stay. I had the unfortunate task of finding my mother after she committed suicide. At first I was ashamed but now I plan on doing public speeches and getting more ready help where I live so that maybe I can save and daughter from having to go through the daily sturggles that face.
Tara,
For almost 2 years now I’ve missed my dear friend and felt so guilty for not knowing what she was going through. Your mother and I were so close when you were younger and though we had our long periods of time apart due to the company moves, when we would see each other again it was as if we had never been apart. I’ve felt every emotion imaginable since she left but at last reading your post and watching your video has finally given me a feeling of calm, you are right she would have had to want the help in order to fix the problem. You are a strong women and the world is a better place with you in it and she made that possible. I thank God I knew her, I thank God she was part of my life. I will never forget her! She was a true friend.
I too lost my mom to suicide 9 months ago. There were signs and I tried getting her help but quickly found out the mental health system is a joke. It’s sad to say because I am a nurse and you would think could have found better help or have found a different way to protect her from this happening. Anyhow, thanks for sharing your story. This is a pain and gut wrenching guilt that I can’t imagine ever getting better.
I hope one day I can find a way to help others or make some changes for mental health care.