In the days and months following the loss of a loved one to suicide, it can feel unlikely for survivors to ever see the good in life again. Today, guest blogger Arleen shares how she was able to find herself and the appreciation for what she still has years after the loss of her beloved son.
Arleen’s Story
I lost my sweet, loving and brilliant son, Ryan, to suicide in August of 2014. Around ten months later, in June of 2015, I saw an offer to participate in a free online meditation program hosted by Oprah Winfrey and Deepak Chopra. I decided to participate because I was looking for something that would help me concentrate and calm all of the negative thoughts and the sad emotions brought about by Ryan’s death.
I remember feeling hopeful the first day of the program, but I was not convinced that I would be
able to sustain attention through the course of the guided meditation. As I started listening, Oprah talked about the path to grace and about being grateful. That alone almost stopped me, because even at ten months into my grief journey, I consciously knew that I had things for which to be grateful. However, grateful was not a word that I could even think of using. Grateful was very far from what I felt when I thought of my life and my current situation. How can one be grateful for anything when one has lost a child?
I tried to do two more consecutive days of the meditation, but again Oprah kept bringing up the word grateful and it completely turned me off. That word actually offended me somehow. At the time, it felt like an insult to me when the whole reason I was searching for something to help me is because I was drowning in the grief of losing my beautiful, beloved boy. I felt like I had been cheated out of a normal, happy life and as much as I tried, I couldn’t muster up any gratefulness. While I was grateful to have my daughter, family and friends, the pain of losing my son eclipsed the idea of being truly grateful in life then.
Here I am two and a half years after losing Ryan, and although I miss my boy every single moment in very significant and very minute ways, I am able to feel grateful again.
I am most grateful for my daughter, who gave me a reason to go on immediately after losing Ryan and for our relationship, which continues to blossom. I am grateful to have such an amazing family, including extended family, who are always there to support me in so many ways. I am grateful for dear friends, both friends from long ago and new friendships formed as a result of losing my Ryan. There is something about the support and understanding you receive from those who are walking in your shoes that is unexplainable. I am grateful for my doggies who are always around to give unconditional love. I am grateful for my job – a job that allows me to directly touch children and affect the future every day.
I am grateful that although child loss changes you forever, I have still been able (after some time) to retain the essence of who I was. I am grateful that with the help of family, friends and even strangers, we have been able to fund the Ryan Abreu Memorial Scholarship. I am grateful for the gift of music. I even find myself being grateful for tiny things, like getting a free refill of chlorine at the pool store the other day, which is what brought me to this thinking. I am grateful for many other things, too.
Finally, although I would give anything to change the fact that my sweet boy was depressed and felt that he could no longer continue living with his pain – and there are no words to describe how much I love and miss him – I can now say that I am grateful that I had a wonderful 19 years with the most loving, witty, creative, humble, intelligent and considerate person I’ve ever known. I am grateful that I am now able to feel grateful again.
Thank you.
I am so grateful for everyone who has walked this journey with me.
Support is so very important, Beth….
SO Sorry for your loss, especially of a child, in such and harsh a way as suicide.
There is no easy way to put the loss in ones mind. The things that I have learned when losing loved ones in this manner, is to find a way to look for the good in your life as it is today.
Family and Friends that are there to help. Sometimes they don’t know how to handle what to say to you. Forgive them is they say something that seems to be insensitive to your loss, they probably didn’t mean to, they just don’t know how to handle things that are happening at that time.
Some people may even decide to say nothing and just back away from you for a time. This hurts you as well, but it is normally that they don’t know what to say either and have chosen to say nothing.
As for Searching for the Good after the loss of someone to Suicide. That is a though one.
It looks like you have been able to lean on good thoughts and people that want to be in your life during your time of Grief, This is good!
You will never be able to get the loss out of your mind, nor would you want to! The person that has chosen Suicide and a means to leave those that loved them made a very hard decision, in a very depressing time of their life.
It is not that they didn’t love those that they left behind, or that they couldn’t talk about the feelings that brought them to this decision.
It was, for some reason unknown to the survivors as to what we could have done, said or why didn’t we see it coming.
Decide to live on and try VERY HARD to find happiness in what you have today with those that are still wanting to be with you!
I had to learn how to talk about Suicide of the ones that I have lost, some people think that I should not talk about it in such an upfront way, but it is what happened and I can’t hide behind something just to feel better.
Life will go on, decide to be happy and Live on!
Keven
Thank you for response Keven. I am sorry that you seem to have lost more than one loved one to suicide. I agree that it is up to us to talk about our loved ones and to try to find any happiness we can,
I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I too have struggled with feeling grateful after losing my husband to suicide. You put into words exactly how I feel. Thank you!
Thank you Victoria and I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.
What beautiful words you used to describe the painful process of grieving. Thank you for your wise words. 8 months out, I still feel like that “grateful” word is difficult to swallow. (“Well at least you had your father for 70 years before he took his own life. You should feel grateful for that!”) I long to feel more like “myself” and hope and pray that I do. I am usually a positive, upbeat, appreciative person and I feel so very different now. You give me hope that I will get there in time.
So glad you have loving, supportive people around you. What a handsome boy Ryan was. I just love that picture you shared of him with the tilt of his head which seems to convey such personality! 🙂 Thank you so much for sharing. I have found such comfort in other survivors ‘ words.
Thank you so much Bluebird for your comment and for recognizing the beauty of my Ryan. I am so sorry that you lost your dad and that unfortunately people don’t know what to say sometimes so they resort to “at least…” Eight months is so fresh. Even at two and a half years, I feel that my grief is fresh. I hope that little by little you will start to feel more like yourself, but I think we will be forever changed so it may be just a different version of yourself.
We lost our beautiful son Ryan on Sept 20,2016 by intentional OD. And we are grateful for many things including our beautiful daughter. But I still feel devastated and that my life will forever be stained with a deep dark sadness. Even when I’m happy I’m sad.
Yes, Nancy. I say that even our happiness is always tinged with sadness. I’m sorry we both lost our Ryans…
Glancing through this website and came upon your story. We lost our son to suicide this past February. Your son Ryan’s picture reminds me of my Caleb. He had great curly hair, too! He was 17, incredibly smart, artistic, funny, and loved by many. We knew somewhat that he was struggling for a couple of years, but we had no idea the depression had become so crippling to him. His loss was very unexpected. My husband and I are still struggling; the grief kind of comes in waves. Caleb left three younger brothers who seem to be okay, but I’m sure as they get older, they will have more questions and hopefully will share them with us. Thank you for your post about Ryan. When it comes to losing your child to suicide, there is such another level of guilt, regret, and hurt that many just don’t understand.