Guest blogger Kimberly lost her son Tom to suicide. As many survivors have experienced, Kimberly faced many inappropriate and tough questions from others, even though they may have been asked with the best of intentions. Today, she shares a “guide” with tips for talking to those bereaved by suicide loss. Though it’s written by a mother, the questions apply to all survivors.
A Mother’s Guide
When Tom died, I was thankfully referred to The Compassionate Friends website. There’s lots of insightful information, which helped me navigate the first few months. In addition, the site has great resources for friends and family about how to talk with someone about a child’s death. But the site did not cover some of the situations that have arisen on our journey.
Many friends and acquaintances reached out with their best intentions, trying to find a way to connect with and assist us while dealing with their own grief and fears about loss. Please understand, I write this missive from a place of love, not judgment, in hopes you will never need to use the information.
When you use the words “committed suicide,” I hear, “died while committing a crime.” Please use the now accepted phrasing “died by suicide.” This description is true to the situation and is less painful to hear. Whether suicide is a crime on the law books or not, I don’t want to be reminded Tom’s final attempt at finding inner peace might make him a felon.
When you ask me, “How did Tom do it?” I hear, “The details of Tom’s death are more important than the impact of Tom’s life.” If knowing the specifics of Tom’s final moments are that important to you, there are other ways of finding them out – read the newspaper or talk to the responding law enforcement agency. In addition, when you ask me that question, it takes me back, in horrible Technicolor detail, to the moment I first saw Tom’s lifeless body. I already struggle every moment to erase that image from my mind, why would you want me to revisit it to quench your curiosity?
When you say, “Did you see any signs?” I hear, “You failed as a parent because you were not aware.” If we had seen the signs, we would have taken action. We loved Tom so much we would have done anything to help him. Each of us spent quality time with Tom. We had both serious and hilarious conversations with him on a regular basis. We had daily and weekly traditions that helped us connect with Tom. He masked his pain well from his family and friends, sparing us all from his dark struggle.
When you say, “Why did Tom do it?” I hear, “Are you the reason Tom died?” The truth is we don’t know why this happened. Tom left a note, but there were no specifics to pinpoint exactly what happened or if there was some inciting incident. We are grateful for the narrative he left behind, because he allowed us some insight into his mental state, but we do not know what brought him to that act at that moment. And if we did know, I am not sure we would want to discuss it with others. Sometimes, there is no note, which I expect leaves even greater pain and emptiness. Occasionally, a note may indicate the suicide was meant to hurt others, and in that case, no one would want to share that information.
When you ask, “What would you have done differently?” I hear, “You are at fault for Tom’s death.” I can’t imagine any parent who does not wish they could rewind and revise how they handled situations with their children. Are there things I would have done differently over the years? Yes. Would they have made a difference? I don’t know. Asking me this question sends me into a tailspin of “What Ifs.” What Ifs are the bargaining part of the grief process which I am desperately trying to move past.
Instead of asking me these questions, honor Tom and me by sharing stories or showing me pictures or videos of him, whether they are new to me or not. Allow me to take the lead in sharing details of his death. If I am ready to tell you, I will. But that time might never come. Instead, tell me of your sadness and your fears, allowing our tears to fall together. Knowing he lives on in others’ memories strengthens me and helps me find peace with our loss.
Copyright 2016 Kimberly Starr
About the Author
Kimberly A. Starr earned a Bachelor’s of Arts in Theatre from Whitman College and a Masters in Theatre Production from Central Washington University. She teaches Theatre Arts at Yakima Valley College and Prosser High School as well as owning StarrBright Consulting, a performance coaching business. After her son Thomas died by suicide in March 2015, she started writing as a way to process the events and her feelings. She is married to L.J. Da Corsi and is mother to Timothy and Thomas.
Kimberly,
Words cannot adequately express my sorrow for the loss of your beautiful, son, Thomas. I too, lost my son to suicide, March of 2015. Life is forever changed, grief is a lifelong journey, and our shattered, broken hearts need tender love and care. Thank you for bearing your heart and educating our well intentioned loved ones and friends. As some have unintentionally added to the pain, I am learning to trust God more, forgive, and realize they can never understand our pain but want us so badly to be better. My sweet son also hid the mental anguish of his broken brain. I too, wrestle daily with the what if’s, how could I have missed it, why didn’t he tell us and all that comes with this horrible tragedy. My shattered heart is with yours in thought and prayer as we learn to live each day with the loss of our sweet boys. Praying for us both and our families.
Thank you for your kind words. I like your term “broken brain.” I have not heard that before. I have used Amy Beuel’s term brain illness because it feels like it makes it feel more concrete for me than mental illness, with hopefully a little less of the stigma associated. I appreciate your prayers as we both make this journey as best we can.
I’m praying for you also. My brother died by suicide and my mom never talked about him afterwards. It destroyed her. My daughter lost her best friend to suicide because of bullying. I knew this young boy for 10 years. Jeff was in martial arts with my Merry. It was excruciating for her. She and Jeff were black belts in Kenpo Karate. The day of the funeral she ceremoniously unwrapped her black belt, folded it, placed it just below Jeff’s hands and tucked a picture of her in his hands so he wouldn’t be alone. In 2010 my father-in law took his own life. His knees had been damaged so badly on an accident he could barely get along . I believe the pain caused this . My husband brings it up occasionally & we talk about him and things they did together. I’m 60 now and I have found I can easily talk with anyone who has suffered from a suicide. I want you to know you are in my prayers and I hope your son gets to meet Jeff, my brother Buddy and my father-in-law. Peace, love and eternal prayers.🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💙💞💞
Yes exactly. Its been 100 weeks since i lost my son a nightmare. X
Beautifully written and well said. I find such comfort in your words and explanations. Thank you!
Thank you for reading and commenting on this piece. Knowing you find comfort in my words helps lessen the pain of my loss.
My sainted sister brought a book to Andy’s funeral and different folk wrote to Andy in that book. When I am having a rough time, I write to Andy. I treasure that book and love to hear about Andy through the eyes and ears of another.
What an amazing gift for you. I am glad you have that to look at in your most difficult times. Thank you for reading the piece and commenting. It means a lot to me.
I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died by suicide almost a year ago. I have been asked many of the same questions and interpreted them the same way you do. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for reassuring me I am not alone in my experiences. I am grateful for your kindness.
Thankyou for this amazing piece of writing It is so very true that many people often do not think about questions they ask us. I have had and still have people ask me questions about the passing of my 20 year old son Mick to suicide in November 2015. I have to keep reminding myself that I did all that I could to help him.
I think people just do not know what to say sometimes, and I truly believe they mean well. This is such a difficult journey for survivors; I am glad we have each other to turn to when we are struggling. This type of loss is unlike any other with lingering feelings of guilt which are so difficult to let go of.
Kimberly,
Thank you for your beautiful words. These are all questions I was and still asked five and a half years after my son’s death.
I’m sorry for the loss of your son and wish you peace in the days, month’s and years ahead.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Ann. I appreciate your kindness.
I have been looking for somthing that can help me understand what has happened in my life. This is the first website where i feel people can understand me or i can understand them. Back in september on the 23rd i went to my fathers house. I left work early that day. It was a very odd day to being with just something seemed wrong so i left work. My father lived like 3 minutes up the street and i was always there hanging out. Im 25 now and my father was in prison most of my life. He left when i was 4 and got out when i was 18. So i dodnt really have to much time with him. But that day i called him after calling him all week. He didnt anwser again. My father and i are both locksmiths so he taught me the trade. It was a special bond we shared and for his birthday lastoctober i gave him a key engraved saying key to unlock my heart and i have the necklace. Well he cried like a baby when he got it and said he wanted to take it to his grave with him. That day in septermber 23 2016 i went home put on a movie and called yet again with his phone to vpice mail. So i grab my pick set a hammer and i go over his house. As soon as i get there i smell this unfamiliar smell. Horroble smell that i checked all oh his trashcans outside. Something was wrong i felt it in my heart but i didnt understand what. His truck is outside opened and i go in it and find his wallet with a picture of me and him when we were visitng him in prison. We always took picturea for family day. I text him saying im breaking it. I go to his front door and there is wood boarding up his doors ans windows. I see his dogs laying there in the kitchen alive crying with feces and urine everywhere. I find a pill bottle through the crack in the window. I start looking on his deck and right in front of me hanging is this key. The same key i gave him for his birthday . he hung it outside for me to see. I was the only one in my family to visit him becuase everyone else still never forgave him for what he dod to our fanily leaving us. Still nothing is clicking. So i go to the cellar door which leads to stairs into the basement where his room was. As soon as i open up the cellar doors flies surrounded me completely. The smell grew stronger and there was a drawer in front of the door blocking entrance. So finally i try pickong the doors and relaized he screwed them shut . i couldnt pick them from my neveres. So i take a hammer to the glass window in the cellar and tey breaking it and it doesnt break. Im beating the hell put of the window and it wouldn’t break.. So i resort in kicking the door in. I never even knew i had this strenght to do it but i kicked and kicked and kicked and finally the wood frame on the doors splits and the glass panles fall out onto the cement and still dont break. I climb in and enter through the laundry room and about two feet away from me i find my father hanging lifeless. He was sureounded with flies and his body was black and he looked loke he had blisters all over him. I froze and began to feel very scared so i jumped out of a window in the basement. As i jumped out i lost my keys and i rememver calling the cops and saying my father is hanging please help me and i remember just being in such shock and denial and the lady over the phone was telling me to calm down and help is on the way yet im only lookong for my keys. The neighbors hear me scream i guess along with the construction guys across the street and come to me. The cops arrived and confirmed it for me and i began calling mu brothers and mom who lives in florida. I was in shock the police kept telling me over and over that i should sot because im in shock. Nothing felt real that day. I seen him everyday and the last night i seen him was the 18th and when i was leaving he turned to me and said give me a real hug baby and know i love u. So i hugged him and told him i loved him to not thinking anything. He apparently did it that night or the next night the autposy said becuase when i found him he was already decomposing anf thats why he had blisters and his color changed. He was halfway on the ground and they explained to me that over time the weoght of the body stretches the rope and he can be closer to the ground. All i know is that it has been 6 months now and reality hit me. My family had been through so horrible things. I have been abused as a child by my step fathers and taken by the state along with numerous of other things. And i thought i felt pain before, but honestly i would take that abuse and neglect and being thrown away like i wasnt even human all over again just to get him back. I battle with anger becuase he left me that key and becuase he knew i would find him. Its hard to forgive him because he hurt me immensely and scarred me. Some days im good and others i feel like i have died right with him. No one prepares u for this type of pain. He was very spiritual man being in prison and out and he taught me everything that i should know about god. I have built a relationship spiritually with him at least i thought but as of lately my faith is dimmed. I struggle to find myself now after seeing him like that. I replay that day over and over again wishing i could change it or bring him back or hug him longer but i know i cant. He was a different type of man. Even the police couldnt believe he did that to himself . after his suicide my lifr changed. I stopped working at my job with pediatrics. Its a hospice center and i just couldnt deal with it anymore. Death means something completely different to me now. Im terrified of it. Its hard to forgive myself for allowing him to hang for days like he never even mattered. I keep thinking that someone should of found him right after. But instead we all allpwed him to decompose like he wasnt even human. When we went to the funeral home the people advised us not to see him. They said they are uncomfortable showing us his body and they think its for the best to not see him becuase he was already so far gone. His skin wasnt even skin anymore. So we didnt see him we cremated him. I was the only one to see him. And its sad for me becuase my last memory of him is him hanging two feet in front of me. I didnt touch him becuase i didnt know what would happen to his body. But i dont know i just never felt so messed up in my life. I was in child pornography as a 4567 year old and video taped and just messed up.. But like i said im comfortable with that pain and i would take that all over again just to see his face. My faith is a big thing for me and its been the hardest battle yet as of now. Hearing others stories makes me feel like im not alone in this. I been going to therapy but i feel like no one can relate to the issues i have going on in my head. I feel like no one has the pain and baggage i carry and its tough to deal with when all i am trying to do is beat it. I always feel like this world has been against me since i was born. I didnt get a fair share growing up and im ok with that. Its just this new pain im not ok with. I dont no how to help myself overcome this tragedy i am facing. Losing someone is one thing but loaing someone to suicide has brought out questions and emotions i didnt even know i had. And discovering a suicde from a loved one just takes apart of my heart away. I just hope that my pain gives him peace. Im not sure why i have faced these things in my life and ill never know i jist know it sucks and its nice to hear other people have the same doubts as me and the same stories.
Thank you for sharing your story. I know how comforting it is to be able to tell your story and have others who have had similar experiences listen. I do not know that we will ever make sense of our losses, but I know everything which happens in our lives shape us into who the universe needs us to be. I hope you are able to find peace on your healing journey.
Hi Kimberly, I’m deeply sorry for the loss of your son Tom.
I lost my husband and father of our 3 children 3.5 years ago, still feels like yesterday.
I have been asked the same questions many times and it is very upsetting, but I also realize people just don’t know what to say it is a difficult situation to be in, I just wish they do some research before saying anything, sometimes it is just common sense!
Alex
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this piece. I know almost all people operate from a place of caring, and they do not mean to be hurtful. Sometimes I have to remind myself they are only human, too.
I lost my nephew Octoer 28th. He was just 16 yRS Old. He hung himself. I don’t think my brother, his wife, or the rest of us will ever know the reason why. No suicide note. I do know that he had meth in his system. The hard thing for me to deal with is,…..Okay, the person who found him did not dial 911 . They instead called his sister at work (after cutting him down). The sister ALSO did not dial 911. The person who found him then left the house and then ran down houses to have a neighbor call 911, their phone didn’t work so they had to run to another house. *Note, the cell phone was working and she DID call his sister at work. He was FINALLY reached about 20-25 minutes after he was found. Spent the next 5 months in a children’s hospital and just now, after numerous court appearances (mother and dad were divorced, she refuse d to believe son was gone and was just in a coma), my brother was finally able to let his son free. My question is, How do I get over this overwhelming anger to that side of family? 1. they NEVER once tried to stop the drug use and also participated and supplied 2.)Any 10 year old knows t call 911 first! 3.) There were scars on his body where he had been cutting himself and yet his biological mom hid this from his father and all other non-drug users. At this point, I am angry beyond words. He was just a KID!!!
Jeannine,
In reading your post, it seems like the thing you are most struggling with is your anger at your nephew’s family. I am not sure how to help you get past that. Anger is an emotion I rarely allow myself to experience, because I have found it to be more destructive than helpful for me. There were a few days I was angry at Tom for dying by suicide, but it passed when I realized he did not choose to die; death (and his mental illness) made the choice for him. I guess my advice would be if you are faithful, turn your anger over to your God and ask for help in releasing it. If not or in addition, put your energies towards helping others through prevention efforts. My writing and prevention presentations have given me purpose, and I feel like Tom lives on in helping others live on. I hope you find peace, love, and light on your healing journey.