Regardless of my father’s suicide, I have always disliked the question, “How are you?” Do people really want to know the answer? I’m not sure people are even equipped to deal with anything other than, “I’m ok.” 
What makes it more difficult is when you are struggling with a response. “How are you?” How difficult is it to find an answer when you yourself don’t know. This is what happens in the aftermath of a suicide loss. It is difficult to define how you are when your entire world has been shattered. When the world around you no longer makes sense, and you question who the person is starring back at you in the mirror. This is normal. We shouldn’t know the answer, at least not right away. Part of the grieving process is redefining who we are, and what this loss means. Expect to be broken. Expect to not know how to respond when someone asks, “How are you?” Know that it is ok to say, “I really don’t know, but I am figuring it out.”
“How are you?” Yes I get this a lot and many times it is followed up with “Of course I can’t imagine what your going through”. So I always answer knowing that the person asking is using social politeness to try and show concern and or care for our situation. My answer depending on whom is asking the question is usually a straightforward one. “My boys and I are doing the best we can. We have our good days and our bad days, but mostly we are creating a new normal everyday to being without our wife and mother.”
I think it sums it up and doesn’t put he other person in too much of an uncomfortable situation. I truly believe Most people are trying to be comforting but really don’t know what to say for fear of sounding too nonchalant or callous about our situation.
What I view as most important is that at least try to reach out.
Since returning to work after my father died, this has been one of my biggest obstacles. So many of the well-meaning conversations go something like like this “How are you?” [I’m OK.] “Are you sure?” “You don’t sound like yourself.” It feels so overwhelming and invasive. I have to choose between keeping my voice strong and insisting I’m doing fine OR sharing more and running the risk of inviting more questions. It’s emotionally exhausting.
I looked at your name, and thought I may have unconsciously posted this myself. I just returned to work myself and that’s exactly how I feel.
Hi Jessica!
Perfect timing for your article thanks so much.
I’m creating a project for my English class and I would love to share this and add it to my personal dictionary. I chose my topic for mental health. May I use this article as part of that please ? I will cite you as author..
My brothers died by suicide 9 years ago today. See why perfect timing? Time is a blur here and there in my life.
Thanks for everything you do!
Warm Regards,
Tara Spitzzeri
Thank you for posting this. My wife died by suicide just over three weeks ago. This post definitely put into words how I feel when people ask me, “How are you doing?” And you put it well when you say idly is a process and you are figuring it out as time goes on. Thanks for sharing.
This was perfect timing, I’m unfortunately a new member to this community as of last week. Just returned to work today, and it’s especially hard when most people don’t realize the magnitude of the loss.
Oh my! I just read Paul’s comment. Paul, it has been a little over 2 years now since my wonderful husband passed away. I know that many of us reading this very helpful blog can recall how excruciating the pain was when we lost our own loved one. I had a very difficult time dealing with my own loss and could have NEVER imagined that my heart would begin to heal. I am not sure how others would/will respond, but in my own experience I think it has been the passing of time that makes every day a bit easier to handle. When at first I cried every time I saw a photo of my dear husband or heard a favorite song of his, I now find myself smiling at photos of my hubby and actually enjoying the memories that his favorite old songs evoke. In my opinion I think it truly takes time to begin to heal. I wish you comfort and peace while you walk this same road that most of us reading this blog have had to do.
Paul I am terribly sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my wife 5 months ago. All I can say let yourself be open to help. You will find that relationships you never knew were there will be those you rely on the most. Remembering your wife’s positive times are very important. My prayers go out to you and your family.
Hi,
I lost my father almost 13 years ago to suicide. I found him and deal with it daily. Yet somehow nobody ever asks me how I’m doing and it hurts me. I think about that all the time. For me it would be nice to know people care enough to ask. Even if I don’t know how to answer I somehow resent the fact that nobody asks. I understand all the issues from both sides yet somehow just being asked would make me happy. I think sometimes I need to tell my friends and family how I feel but most times when I bring up my dad I see their discomfort and they change the subject quickly.
David, I understand the feeling. Even though I want my space to grieve, I secretly resent the fact that no one asks how I’m doing. Not a check-in or text. I do however, get messaged if I’m needed or wanted to join in “normal” conversation. I guess the thought from family/friends is that if they act like everything is fine, then I’ll be fine and become my old self. My old self died with my father. I could never say that for the same reason as you….. it makes them uncomfortable.
Hi Molly. I meant to thank you for your comments. I just got busy. There is still such a stigma attached to suicide. People feel uncomfortable and I guess we need to forgive them. When the time is right I’ll let them know how I feel. Not sure it will do any good but worth a try. But thank you. Your thoughts are very comforting. David