I’ve been thinking a lot about hope recently and wrestling with the thought that it’s no longer as prevalent in my life as it used to be. I feel like I have been grasping for things to feel hopeful about but falling flat. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but challenged myself with internal reflection and conversations with my grief therapist to determine where this was all coming from, more than five years after my dad’s death.
I want to be clear that I categorize hope and happiness in very different ways. Hope is also not the same to me as simply “something to look forward to.” I feel happy and blessed in my life and find joy in many things, including my family. I am also not depressed. To me, hope is something very specific. I equate it to a proverbial carrot dangling in front of me. Or a feeling of wonder and magic that fills the spirit. I have found happiness and many things to look forward to, but I’m not sure I have anything to feel hopeful about right now.
Let me explain… I think back to six years ago at this very time of year. I was in my twenties and months away from my wedding day. I felt this energy in my spirit. Every day that passed was one day closer to this new life. I distinctly remember thinking to myself that my life was absolutely perfect and couldn’t believe I had so many things going so well. While my dad died two months after that beautiful wedding day, I still felt hopeful. Eventually, we would be moving into a new home – our home. And, hopefully, children would follow. I was still on this track of building my dream life and living out my vision. We purchased a lovely house and I still enjoy decorating and maintaining it to this day. However, expanding our family took a bit longer than I imagined. But, I carried this beacon of hope every day, praying, wishing and seeing this happening. Hope was really all I could go on. I could picture everything about this family in my mind. When it finally happened, I don’t think there was anything more hopeful in my life than expecting a child. What would he or she be like? What would his or her name be? What would our lives be like? Beyond that, strangers would stop me on the street to say “Congratulations!” and ask questions about the growing baby. It all fueled this notion of hope, including – I hope she comes soon and I hope she is healthy and happy, etc. She arrived and of course my world changed forever in a positive way.
I knew right away I had more love to give, but again this took time. Once again, I lived on a diet of hope. And, we were fortunate to welcome a son late last year. I’m still living in that haze, but also seeing friends who are still trying to build their families publicly sharing about their journeys and similarly using the word hope in their messages.
Concurrently, I have also written before about how the holiday season doesn’t hold the same feeling for me as it did before my dad died. He was the epitome of holiday spirit. There’s something about the hope surrounding Christmastime and the “hope” for the New Year that fills those winter months. That’s just not present for me any more.
There are surely many, many post-pregnancy emotions swirling in my mind, but I can’t help trying to fit all of these pieces together and finding coincidence in the fact that my hope may have piqued and has now descended after experiencing a loss to suicide. I know this may sound like a bummer, but it just is what it is to me. I know I will eventually find my positive hope again. And, as I said earlier, this is different than finding happiness in my every day and wishing the best for our lives ahead – which I have and do. It’s essentially like my hope has temporarily shifted to a more negative place of anxiety and protection. “I hope I don’t ever have to experience this again.” “I hope I don’t ever have to worry about X, Y, Z.” “I hope my children will be understanding when I have to explain how their grandpa died one day.”
Suicide is traumatic and surely leaves an imprint on survivors left behind. It can also affect people differently and at different times. Here I am sharing this nearly six years later and not six days or weeks after it happened. It’s all part of the lifelong journey we lead as survivors. Some say hope is all we have. That’s putting a lot of eggs in one basket. It can certainly help to get one through during a challenge or point in time. Maybe that’s how it’s actually supposed to be and I am overthinking this entirely. Having gone through several “hope intense” years, it could be that my hope was seen through and now I am just not used to having a break from it. Hearing the “it’s all we have” mantra is what got my thinking about this, like wait – I am not feeling it so how do I fix that?
Do you feel like hope is something that you need to live with daily or is it situational? Has losing a loved one to suicide affected your feelings of hope?
Thank you so much for sharing this. My grief is still new and raw because my dad died from suicide only two months ago, but this notion of “hope lost” resonates with me so much right now. For me, like you said, hope represents looking into the future with a sense of wonder and magic. A week before my father died, I was celebrating my 30th birthday with some of my closest friends. Instead of dreading this new decade, I approached it with so much childlike wonder and optimism. I saw each upcoming year of my life as a new adventure to experience. I loved that sense of mystery. Where will I travel? Who will I meet? What will I learn? Now, I wonder if I’ll ever be able to feel so light and optimistic again. I just want to stay home and hermit, and I know that I can do that for a while, but I worry that my sense of mystery has shifted. I worry that my idea of what’s possible will be grounded in fear. Who else may be hurting? What horrible thing could happen next? But I don’t want to live my life this way, and I know my dad wouldn’t want me to either. I think the thing that’s going to help me the most is thinking about my dad and all of the comfort and encouragement and confidence he gave me. I want to be able to tap into those memories like a good song that gives me strength. I know he would want me to be excited and hopeful about the future. I know he wouldn’t want me to be afraid. I think hope is connected to trust. I trusted that life would be good, and now that that trust has been broken, I have to rebuild it. I’m not sure exactly how to do that. I think my friends and family will help. I think this community will help. I keep hearing that my life is forever changed, and I know there will be days when I won’t feel hopeful, but at my core, I believe that I am still me. I’m still my dad’s daughter. Hope may not come as freely and naturally as before, but I want to actively seek that sense of wonder and optimism. I think we all need it.
I am so glad you wrote this. I had been struggling with how to articulate this and you captured it perfectly with “hope lost.” I am not hopeless. I feel the same way you described about your birthday and new decade. It was difficult for me to write this post because it felt so personal and I wasn’t sure if it was even relatable.
Im so sorry for your loss. My dad committed suicide Christmas eve 2016 so I am muddling through right with you.
Good Day to All,
There are many comments that could be made with regards to Hope, when the survivors, of the loss of someone close to you chooses Suicide as a means to end their life, which ends relationships with many, in a very sudden and unexpected way.
Hope, ? How has it or how does it affect a person?
That is a question that everyone that has experienced Suicide in their life handles differently.
Suicide! What a word, that seems to be studied in many areas and in many professions, as to the cause and the why it is used.
Depression, Life, Difficult times, the loss of someone or something that is highly cared about. Yet no one knows exactly why Suicide is the choice. There are many accusations as to why a person chose to leave and even how selfish the person is that chose suicide as there end. They are not selfish, they are in pain!
The Pain that those that are left behind feel is 10 times what most people will feel from loosing someone of natural causes. It is hard to explain to someone that has never experience this type of a lose.
But, back to Hope, seen as this is the question at hand.
About me, I just turned 60, my brother 57 chose suicide to end his life January 2 2017, this year.
I am not going to go into all that suicide has affected in my life, other than to say that, I lost 2 friends in high school to suicide, my Grandfather to suicide when I was 22 just after I married my wonderful wife of 40 years. Lost my Father to suicide when I was 25, just prior to joining the Air Force Reserves. Lost an Aunt a year later to suicide.
Over the last 3 years, my sister-in-law chose suicide, my youngest Sister, 3 weeks after my sister-in-law choice suicide, my wife 30 days after that attempted suicide using medication, then she tried again a year after that, using medication, she is still here, depression playing a big part of her attempts. And then my youngest Brother this year.
Enough Said! I have experience Suicide!
Hope?
There was a time that I though there was no hope. I even thought that suicide may be the way to get rid of the pain and the lack of hope that I was feeling. I made the calls to the VA crises lines, talked to counselors, but still didn’t find hope to be on the top of my list, That was when I was in my 30’s.
Since then Hope has become very High on my list of priorities!
Hope, is something that I had to learn!
Hope, to see my Wife for another day and give her a kiss in the morning as I head of to work.
Hope, to see my Grand kids graduate school or play another game in sports or one more fishing trip.
Hope, that life will deliver something new and exciting in another day!
Hope, that God will be there to help me through all of the rough roads that are ahead of me.
I think Faith and Hope go hand in hand. You have Faith that Hope will give you something new and enjoyable in the days to come.
There has been people say, God doesn’t give you anymore than you can handle. I DON”T believe that!
God doesn’t give you the bad things in your life, BUT he is there to help you through ALL the bad things in life, if you look to him, he will be there to give you a way out of whatever bad things you are trying to handle.
I am not going to preach here, enough said!
No one knows when their last day will be, so you need hope to live the day that you are in and enjoy all that it has to bring! At least you woke up for that day, live it to the fullest! You never know what tomorrow will bring.
I have a plaque the says:
Yesterday is the Past and you can’t do anything about it.
The future is not guaranteed
Today is the present and that is why it is a gift.
Live life to its’ fullest today!
You are ALWAYS going to miss the person that is no longer in your life! You are Human and we do remember, but it’s up to you, to place that pain, that you will always fill, back in a part of your thoughts that will allow you to think of happy and good things in your life today!
I miss all of those that have left holes in my heart and my life! It hurts every single time that I think about them.
The times that they are not there for a short phone call, or not being able to enjoy the fishing trips or maybe even the arguments that happened from time to time.
But you HAVE to be able to LIVE ON!
There are others in all of our lives that want to see and talk with us, some of them may even depend on you to be there just to see your face or hear your voice, it may be just enough to make their day a little better.
Hope is needed to get us from point “A” to point “B” of your day!
Learn to live on!
Those that you loose in one of the most tragic ways in human life are in a Great Deal of pain, you may not even know it. Some are masters of disguise, and they may show or tell you that everything is okay.
You need to really listen to those that are close to you. BUT you must not feel at Fault if they chose to leave by way of Suicide! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! Don’t try to figure out how your could have prevented it, because it will just put you in a bad place.
Accept that they are no longer here with you. Easy Said! Not so easy done! I Know!
But you have to move on with your life!
Find a way to have HOPE, have FAITH that things will get better for you! There are reasons to have HOPE, you just need to allow yourself to live.
Don’t become a casualty of your lose! One is more than enough. BELIEVE ME I know!
I am in the process of helping my Sister-in-Law of my brother that just past. It has not been a fun trip!
She wants to be with him. And has tried once already. For some reason she decide that her daughter was worth sticking around for. Thank God for that!
We are trying to get her counseling now, she has been in the hospital for attempting they did some to help.
But I am not going into this sorry any further because it can get depressing and I am living it everyday now.
She is going to move in with me and my wife, because the house that her and my brother lived in, is a BAD trigger for her thoughts of having any HOPE to move on.
I can only hope that being at my house will give her a chance to find Hope and a reason to live.
God be with us!
I think I have rambled on enough for now.
HAVE HOPE,
Those that are gone would want you to live on! FIND HOPE, there is a reason.
Keven
It will be 2 years on 3/15 that my soulmate Steve took his own life. I let myself be vulnerable and Steve and I fell head over heels in love for over 33 years. The pain of his loss has penetrated my soul and I have lost all hope of finding a happiness that we once shared. We had no children, I am estranged from his family and my parents have both passed Although I have some very good friends to lean on in my life, I am still filled with despair, and hope is very elusive for me. I fear to hope for a happy life because I cannot bear another loss if I do find happiness. I am not even talking about finding another companion. I am just afraid to hope that I can be happy again. As has been said previously, suicide of a loved one forever changes us. I used to laugh and smile so much more…
Normally I try to write with an optimistic view point, but I am at a low point right now and your writing hit home.
I lost my soulmate of 11 years to suicide on Jan 27, 2017. This is very fresh for me. We had so much to look forward to, but depression seemed to win the day instead. I don’t feel very hopeful at this time. Not sure when that feeling will return.
This hope thing is so complicated. Isn’t this the very reason we are all tragically connected? We lost our loved ones and for me, my beautiful, selfless, giving sister because she lost hope. I’m able relate to something shared in every post here. I lost my sister, this past November (2016). Every day is a struggle, my heart and mind are like a deck of cards, constantly being reshuffled with another thought, another “how’d I miss this?”, a remembered conversation, the last conversation, the pain of waking and knowing my life is forever changed and a life is being forced upon me without the person who loved and knew me best. Every day I analyze and try to reconcile this tragedy. Yesterday, I realized maybe I need to try to let some of these questions rest. Maybe the unknown’s are not for me to have. They belong to my sister, they are private, they are “hers”, not to be known, not to be shared or answered they are simply “hers”. But, I also know tomorrow another feeling and thought will emerge and the deck will shuffle again. The conversations replaying, the questions circling again, despair settling in and me wanting to understand how I can possibly navigate my life without my sister, who’s been with me every step of my life. I pray we all see glimmers of hope along this painful path we are on. I pray we recognize them however small they may be and that they give us some relief to endure this painful journey.
I relate to this very much. I lost my sister 2 years ago to suicide. She is gone and there is no hope for a future with her or for her. There is hope for a future and I have much to be grateful for but the me or “us” that existed before is gone. Thank you for sharing. I read all your posts.