In the wake of losing a loved one, many survivors determine change is necessary to help them move on. When my dad died, that change for me turned out to be a new job. Guest blogger Jean Mellano returns with a reflection on the change she is beginning to pursue.
The time has come for me to start a new chapter in my life.
I am just plodding through every day now, always waking up in a life that is so routine to me. What is obviously missing is Steve, my best friend and soul mate of over 33 years, who died by suicide on 3/15/2015. For those 33 years, I was blessed to share my life with the most amazing man and I was immersed in Steve’s life, loving everything it had to offer. He showed me so many wonderful things and we had a loving, fun filled life for so many years. Of course, things were not always perfect, however, as I reflect, I realize that we had an incredible foundation of love and respect for one another that was apparent to anyone who knew us.
Now, I must carve my own path alone. For the past 22 months, I have been trying to find purpose and make sense of the sad circumstances of Steve’s death. I am now finally coming to accept that Steve is never again going to walk through the front door of our house and we will never grow old together and share the same pillow. Of course, this tears my heart apart every time I think about it. I know the pain of his loss will be with me for the rest of my life. But, staying in the same house with so many memories of our life together, is not allowing me to grow as a person, rather, it feels like I am just waiting to die so I can see Steve again in the afterlife. It is time for me to move on and chart my own course here on earth. Steve’s world and the world we shared together is no longer my world.
Being a creature of habit, I was never a big fan of change. However, change is inevitable, whether we like it or not. Rather than wait for change to force itself upon me, I plan to make a change in my life on my own terms while I still have my mental faculties and I am physically able to do so. My health is slowly failing, whether caused by grief or just getting old, I don’t know. So that I do not become a burden to my friends, it is important that I plan for my future. As such, I am researching some alternate living options. Taking care of a house on my own is becoming too much for me to handle. Although Steve and I together used to joke that we had no business owning a house since neither of us were handy, together, we would always figure out how to solve problems. Now it is just me.
The sad chapter of the last few years of my life has ended and I as I begin my next chapter, I look forward to change, probably for the first time in my life.
About the Author
Jean Mellano is the author of “Slipped Away,” a memoir on her experience losing her life partner, Steve to suicide. Steve was a remarkable man and impacted so many lives in powerful and positive ways, both as a coach of sport and a coach of life. She felt his story needed to be told and hopes to bring awareness to mental health issues and to inspire conversation about depression and suicide. Read more at http://www.SlippedAway.org.
My thoughts on moving forward, it does happen. When I lost my son, Andy, almost 21/2 yrs now, I went into such a depression. I had been trying to figure out what to do with myself. Despite having a loving husband , I felt so lost. I needed a purpose, I just didn’t know what. Until I applied to an ad, taking care of a woman , that has ALS. Well, god works in amazing ways. I have been there for 9months now, and I can’t imagine my life without this amazing woman in it. I love this job. I thank god each day that I get to work there! I now have a purpose, taking care of this lady has been life changing. Yes, I miss my son, but having a focus is important. God bless.
Therese, I am so sorry about your son Andy. I am glad you have a purpose and a focus now. it gives me hope
Jean, you can do this, take charge babe, make your last yrs worth living. Do the things you always dreamed of. We have one shot at this life, make it the best that you can. Yes, you will miss Steve, but he will be so proud that you are moving forward, bottom line, he doesn’t want you paralized. Some how, you will be able to laugh, breathe, and become a new you. I’m here for you. Theresebrazee@comcast.net…..us survivors have to be there for each other. Xo
Oh, did this new post today ring a BIG bell with me. Jean Mellano’s husband sadly left this earth about the same time that my own dear hubby did–Feb 20, 2015. My best friend and I had shared our lives as a married couple for 42 years.
I decided to stay put in our home for 1 year after the tragic loss of my best friend because I didn’t want to make any rash decisions. But because my husband died in the garage of the home it added a very eerie element to my extreme grief. Every time I passed through the garage I was reminded of the tragedy that took place there. The only “good” thing about the tragedy was that I, nor my son or daughter, discovered my husband’s body in the car of the garage. My husband planned a most “considerate” suicide you might say. By that, I mean he didn’t want our children or I to find his body so he sent an email to me while I was out of town that was to arrive the morning after he committed suicide. Most all of the financial and legal information that I was going to need going forward was already organized and ready for me to review. It will always break my heart in knowing that I never picked up on any kind of a clue that my husband had been planning his own suicide for probably a few months prior to his passing.
It was a very dark and excruciatingly sad road to walk. Being that he was my best bud I thought that I knew him inside-and-out and and up- and -down. Why then did I not see any clues to forewarn me of the possibility of impending doom? Why wasn’t I able to help my husband get off the depression train before it crashed and burned? I will carry this guilt with me until I die. Albeit, as the time passes the grief slowly lessens for me but there will always be the guilt that I will carry.
Just a bit short of a year before my husband’s first anniversary of his passing I began the process to make my big move that would take me half way across the country. There were some therapeutic aspects about it since it forced me to concentrate on the game plan and not spend so much time grieving. But, as I packed things up in the moving boxes I came across sooo many tender memories of my husband and our time together and I found myself shedding bittersweet tears quite often. I decided to donate a lot of my husband’s clothing to worthwhile charities and I retained some “special” clothing items as remembrances. My hubby and I had moved many times before so I did not have the same longevity in the last home that we shared together that Jean and her husband had. But, I also, had never gone through a major move without him before and so for that reason I really felt the huge void. This time I was going to be flying solo and with a broken heart.
The move was difficult on not only a physical level but, also, on an emotional one. I was constantly bombarded with memories of my husband with every box that I packed. The odd thing for me, though, is that I didn’t anticipate the feelings that I was to experience when I actually moved into my first home without my husband there. It was such a strange feeling that I had to not unpacking his clothing, all of his music items that he enjoyed and even his toiletries. My best friend wasn’t going to be with me to share in the experience of moving into another new place together. On some days I would even feel like I did following the days after my husband’s passing. I should have anticipated that was going to happen, but, I didn’t. So, I just dealt with the sad days by telling myself that things would improve with time—even while wiping many tears from my eyes. It has been 4 months now that I have moved into my own place and slowly I am finding that my sad days are becoming fewer and further apart. I guess, in a way, I have started a new chapter in my life, also.
Mrs. T, I am so sorry about your husband. I believe my Steve did not want me to find him since he decided to take his life in another state. I too wonder why I thought Steve would never take his own life. After a first failed attempt, he promised me he would never try again and in 33 year he never lied to me. So, I believed him and thought he would come out of his dark place and we still had a chance to live happily ever after. Now, I realize, people that take their own lives are in such immense mental anguish. For many, the fear of living is worse than the fear of dying. I believe that was the case with Steve. but, I still have regrets and I will always have a broken heart. I wish you peace and thank you for sharing your story. WE, as a society need to be able to talk freely about mental illness and suicide. Until the stigma is obliterated, I dont think much will change for those that suffer, whether it is the individual who takes their own life, or their loved ones.
I feel like I was almost reading my story as well. I am thinking of selling my home too as I can no longer keep it up. My best friend soul mate left this earth two years ago next month. I live with the pain and heart ache everyday. It will never go away we just need to learn to live with the pain. Our lives go on. There are days I have wished I could just join him to take this pain away. Hugs & prayers.
Sharon, I am so sorry about the loss of your soulmate. I too still feel pain and heartache every day, especially before I go to sleep at night and when I wake up in the morning and see the empty pillow next to mine. Our lives are forever changed.
Yes, Sharon, I also had felt that I wanted to “join” my hubby on the other. But I would always think of our kids. They had already endured the tragic death of their father and I never would want them to have to relive that kind of horror again. And so, like you, I am just learning to live with it. Some days better and some days not so good but I am adjusting as best as I can.
Yes I know, if it wasn’t for my daughters and grandson who are my life I would really be lost.
I lost my oldest son on June 19th 2014. I never really thought about spouses being a victim of suicide, just children some as young as 13! I am so sorry for your losses. I lost my Dad in a car accident when I was 15 and that was hard enough! They say that suicide is preventable but from what I have seen in many groups is NO it is not so clear cut and dried. Many did not show any of the “signs”, they just left………………for whatever reason.
JAckie,
I am so sorry about your son. I think in some cases, like my Steve, there was no prevention technique that would have helped him. He tried inpatient, outpatient, one on one therapy, psychiatrists prescribing medications, diet, supplements, alternative treatments, all to no avail. In the end, he was addicted to Ativan and could not free himself from that cycle.
I am so grateful for everyone being willing to share their heartfelt stories. I lost my son to depression in 2009 when he was 32. My husband and I are thinking at this time of downsizing our house. Each time I think of moving it reminds me I won’t have memories of him in the new place. I also lost my twin sister, my mom and my father all within 4 years of each other. I know in my heart that is where they are but I will miss where they were. Please take care.
Sally, I am so sorry for all of your losses. I try to console myself to the fact that, like you said, our memories are in our heart.
To all of us, god is the driving force that keeps me moving. Thru the pain , our loved ones what us to know that , they are free of their pain and we need to let go and let god. And to find a peace within. I believe that god is using our loved ones in a special capacity. I know that we’re here to carry on, with grace. Of course, sometimes anger, frustration, fear, come to the surface. All of which, are normal. We need to busy ourselves with taking special care of ourselves, so we can be a voice for mental health issues. So while we’re here, we can make a difference. Maybe volunteer, there’s so much need out there. I feel better each day by going to a great job, hopefully making a daily difference in an als patient. Being busy is important. Thank you all for reaching out to each other. We need each other. God bless.
thank you Therese for your words, so true..
This post has helped me understand the loss of my sister through suicide. The outcome however, so different. She couldn’t survive the pain of her husband’s mental illness and the impact it had on their marriage and his constant leave you, stay with you. It finally broke her. SHE was the one who ended her pain and took her life. I am the one left wondering how I could have missed that she was the trying to survive the intense pain and consequences of her mentally ill husband. Thank you for sharing your loneliness and grief.
Kelley, I am so sorry for the loss of your sister. I can attest to the fact that living with someone who is in so much pain and mental anguish is enough to try anyone’ s soul. The feeling of helplessness when dealing with a mentally ill loved one is so deep and especially devastating if they take their own lives. And of course, the unanswered questions that will always remain with the survivors.