Nearly two years into her grief journey, guest blogger Elizabeth reflects on the path she chose to take after losing her dad. She also wishes for other survivors to know they’re not alone.
“When I read the words of fellow survivors I wondered what I would say if I ever shared my story. I wondered if I could put all of my feelings in writing and have it make sense to others. If I didn’t try, I would never know, so I share with you my story.
A little less than two years ago, I lost my Dad to suicide. Wow, it’s been that long? It feels like yesterday my Mom had to break the news to my older brothers and me. I remember that day so well. I remember thinking it had to be a dream. There was no way he took his own life. No way. It was a dream, right? It had to be. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a dream, but my reality.
The first few months after losing my Dad I was in shock. Each morning, I woke up and thought it was just a dream, a nightmare, anything but my life. Each morning, I had to remind myself that I lost my Dad, and he took his own life. It was horrible. Everyone told me it would get easier, but how? Right then all I wanted to do was go back in time and keep this from happening.
I learned I’m a survivor of suicide loss. A survivor? Me? I didn’t feel like I survived anything. I felt defeated, numb, and guilty. I felt like crying, but no more tears would come out. Suicide changed my life. All of us here can relate to that. Often times when people go through difficult times others will say, “I know how you feel.” I too am guilty of this. But, I never knew how annoying it was to hear until it was told to me over and over. Really? You know how I feel? Tell me, when you were 20 years old and applying to nursing school you also lost your Dad to suicide? He too was a lung cancer survivor and part of your inspiration for wanting to be a nurse? He had just read your nursing school entrance essay? You also failed your anatomy class by one percent? I felt like I couldn’t relate to anyone. I knew everyone meant well but no one knew what I was going through. Even though I was constantly surrounded by others, I felt completely alone.
One evening, I went online looking for resources on how other people have dealt with suicide loss. I wanted to read someone else’s story, and see how they dealt with this because I thought it would help me. Through my searching I found this blog, and I read a lot of it right away. Through reading the posts I was able to slowly make sense of the many different feelings I had in both my heart and brain. As I kept reading I decided to contact the authors of the blog. I never contact people on a blog, but I needed to and wanted to thank them for their blog. Becky emailed me back right away. She told me it does get easier. I knew she was telling me the truth because she shared her story of losing her Dad to suicide and she was surviving. This blog has been a great resource, and I turn to it often. It has helped me to give words to my feelings, have hope, and to heal. Most importantly, it reminds even though I feel very alone at times I am not alone, and neither are you.
Today, I am proud to say I just started my second semester of nursing school after repeating anatomy and getting a minor in health promotion. I have learned so much about myself since my Dad’s death. Once the shock of his death lessened a bit I began to look forward. Before me I saw two choices. The first was to run away from my new reality to escape the loss, pain, and grief I was feeling. The second was to acknowledge it and move forward in my life, without him. While choice one may have been easier, I chose to trust in God and move forward. It has been a slow process, and it always will be.
I miss my Dad every day. I still have “grief attacks” as they talk about on here. I often have very vivid dreams about him that feel so real I wake up the next morning thinking he is still alive, and then have to remind myself of my reality. I have learned that I will never say to a patient or anyone the words ” I know how you feel,” because while I think I may know how they feel I have no idea! Sometimes just being a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on, can do more than any words you can say.
Losing a loved one to suicide is hard. It is like your heart is shattered into a million pieces and each piece is feeling a different emotion. You are in shock for a while. Quite a while. You begin to slowly realize you lost someone to suicide and you may have to remind yourself that daily for a while. You begin to accept it, or try too. Slowly your heart begins to heal. Scars are formed, but they never leave. They are always present, but they heal.
The process of grief sucks. It is one heck of an emotional rollercoaster; one I wish I could stop riding forever. But grief doesn’t work like that. We have to feel these emotions whether we like them or not. I don’t like feeling these emotions. I don’t like feeling broken. I don’t like feeling alone. I don’t like feeling sad, angry, or guilty. I don’t like having an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that I get sometimes. All of this is frustrating and I am so over it. But that means nothing. Grief doesn’t care if I am over it or not. Grief is a process. Grief is a life long emotional rollercoaster I am going to be riding forever. You do not pick grief. Grief picks you.
I wish no one had to feel this. The pain, constant questions, and grief. I would not wish any of this on my worst enemy. I wish words like “selfish” “weak” and “desperate” did not surround suicide. Although I am extremely grateful for this lovely blog I wish it didn’t exist. I wish suicide didn’t exist. I say all this to say to you, the one reading this blog post of a 22-year-old sharing her feelings to remind you that you are not alone. I do not know how you feel, but maybe you can relate to some of the things I shared, have felt, and still feel. I am here for you. I am praying for you. I love you.
To those reading this, I am so sorry for your loss. I am grateful you too have found this wonderful blog that has helped me as I continue to navigate this life long journey. Thank you for letting me share my story with you. We are in this together. We will survive.
Know you are not alone, not now, not ever.
Signed,
A fellow survivor.”
This site is so very helpful, Thankyou!
Karl,
I agree! I have found this blog so helpful as well. Such a great resource!
-Elizabeth
Thank you for sharing your story. And so sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my only sibling, my sister, to suicide in 1984, my mom to cancer in 2004 and the most devastating loss , my oldest son in Oct 2016. Roller coaster of emotions is exactly the right choice of words. But it’s good to know we are not alone. I have found one thing to be true on this journey..survivors look out for each other..so no, we are not alone.
Robyn,
I am so very sorry for the loss of your sister, mother, and son. It is so hard losing those we love. I truly feel like I am riding a roller coaster of emotions and somedays it is a longer ride than others. However, whenever I feel alone I turn to this blog, which helps to remind me I am never alone, and neither are you. You are so right, survivors really do look out for each other! 🙂
-Elizabeth
Thank you for sharing. You describe how I feel daily. I am a suicide survivor…I found my 16 year old son hanging in his bedroom 9-24-15. My life will never be the same. You mentioned a shattered mirror..wow I use that all of the time to describe how I feel but I feel like a shattered mirror thats still hanging on the wall….nothing chipping away…the broken pieces are still there. God Bless You!!
Mora,
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I am glad you were able to relate to some of the things I shared. The broken pieces are still there for me too, but slowly they are getting put back together. You are not alone! Prayers!
-Elizabeth
Not only did you bring tears to my eyes reading this. and not that they were tears of just sadness but tears of JOY! Joy knowing that you stand correct “we will get through this” & “we are NOT alone!” . . . You are so true no one knows how anyone feels in time of grief we are all diff in our own unique ways and God made us this way for a reason . . . without God there is no way any of us can get through this alone! I thank you for mentioning God because this is so true. _ xoxoxo
Alane,
I am glad you mentioned joy. I was hoping it would bring someone joy! We will get through this, and we are never alone, we always have our Heavenly Father. Grief is so unique for each person, even if they face the same loss. But, through those differences we are able to connect with others on this grief journey we face now and for years to come. God Bless!!
-Elizabeth
I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. I also have found help in reading this blog and another (The Gift of Second) about surviving suicide. My only sibling, a brother 2 years older than me, took his own life on 5-15-2015. It was so shocking and while I know there are plenty of people who are very vocal about their opinions on suicide ( as you mentioned, words like “selfish” “weak” and “desperate”), God has been gracious to mostly shield me from those. He has comforted me through losing my brother and then just 10 short months later losing my oldest son who died after a motorcycle accident at the age of 23. The grief journey is so long and hard and the only way I have found to still be able to go on is in the comforting and loving arms of the Great Healer. God Bless you for sharing your heart.
Susie,
I am so sorry for the losses you have faced in your life. I cannot even imagine. I am glad that during this grief journey you have been able to embrace the loving arms of God as he helps carry you through this life long journey. I am glad I was able to share my heart with you. Many prayers.
-Elizabeth
Thank you so very much Becky. Your words and your sharing your story helped me today. So appreciative. Hearing other people’s stories is the only thing that seems to help. Just to know that others have followed this same ugly, awful journey I’m taking now. Thank you.
Bluebird,
I found that reading other people’s stories helped me so much as I was just beginning this journey. I am glad my story helped you today. I have followed this same ugly, awful journey you are taking right now, and it is a hard journey. But, remember you are not alone, not now, not ever! I am so very sorry for your loss. Prayers to you.
-Elizabeth
After losing my youngest son aged 29 in 2014, I have immersed myself in various blogs, websites, books, groups, trying to come to terms with my loss. I can truly say, the comments by various people on this site, help me the most. Wish everyone could read Elizabeth’s comments, particularly my two other sons.
Claire,
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I am glad you have found this wonderful blog. I too found it so healing to read the stories of others who have faced the same loss we have faced. I find comfort in their words…I can relate to them in some way and it helps me to know that I am not alone. This grief journey is complicated, but we are all in this together. I always read the comments after the posts on here, but I never have commented on posts before. I have found them helpful as well so this time I wanted to respond to those who read my story and took the time to comment. Love and Prayers!
-Elizabeth
Please help me with this question that I have!!!!
Someone told me after someone commits suicide, they are leaving their pain that they were in to the loved ones they are leaving behind???
Thank you
Debbie
This is a complete myth. I’m sorry someone shared that with you. I don’t see how anyone could possibly say this. Unfortunately in the case of suicide loss, people reach for rationale and explanations when there is/are none. While loved ones will surely experience grief in loss, it’s certainly not in the way you were told.
Debbie,
That sounds like such a heartless and insensitive remark. I am sorry that you heard that. I agree with Becky’s response: people want to help and in the absence of answers they search for encouragement to offer.
At least I hope this person was trying to be helpful…
Agreed! And, if they are not specifically a survivor and said this it doesn’t at all surprise me because we are commonly faced with many insensitive, presumptuous and ignorant comments. That’s why we have each other.
Debbie,
I am so sorry that someone told you this. It is not true by any means as the others on here have said! You are not alone on this journey, you have all of us.
~Elizabeth
I am so sorry for the loss of your dad.Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us,i so much appreciate it.I lost my brother to suicide,it will be a year ago on January 26th.Also,my husband passed away suddenly on Nov 2nd,2015.Losing two loved ones,so close together has been difficult. I have to say,losing my brother to suicide has been much more difficult.Wow,all the emotions that goes with losing someone this way.With Jesus as my healer,i’ve just now have started to think about moving ahead,one step at a time.I have much more healing to go,but this is a start.Actually sharing this with you is a big step for me. Thank you again for sharing your heart. God bless you!
Thank you for sharing with us Carol. Suffering two big losses, so close together is traumatic! Take time to acknowledge the strength you possess, as many wouldn’t be able to even think about moving forward. I hope we can continue to over you hope and encouragement on your journey forward.
Carol,
Thank you for sharing your heart with me. I am so sorry for the losses you have faced so close together. I cannot begin to imagine what you are feeling. The healing process is a journey that is for sure, but you are right to take it slowly and with Jesus by your side as you navigate this journey. I am honored that you took the time to share your heart with me and others on this site. You are never alone.
~Elizabeth
I lost my sister, my only sibling in Nov 2014. I always considered myself the “weak” one and her the “strong” one so when it happened I felt confused. I felt empty. I felt mad. I felt sad. I have felt all the emotions you could possibly think of after losing her. I hate when ppl who have never lost anyone to this tell me, “I know how you feel.” No,they don’t know how I feel. I am so grateful I came across this blog cos I finally feel I connect somewhere where ppl actually know what it’s like down this dark, ugly, complicated grief journey. Keep writing. You give ppl-like me-hope! Hugs and prayers to all y’all!
Lucia,
Thank you for sharing part of you story with me. I am so very sorry for the loss of your sister. Each of us has different feelings on the grief journey, and we never will know how anyone else feels. However, we can love and support each other as we deal with this life long grief because we know how each of us feel, and through those feelings we can support one another. At least that is how I look at it. My friend, you are not weak, you are strong. I am glad you feel connected to others on this blog, because it is important! You are never alone, not now, not ever.
~Elizabeth