If there’s one thing this holiday season confirmed for me, it’s that Christmastime is forever changed in my book after having lost my dad to suicide. We all know the loss of a loved one impacts our emotions and even longstanding traditions. But, in addition to simply missing my dad this time of year, I’ve come to learn his death has a lingering and significant halo effect on my view of Christmas and New Year’s Eve.
For the past few years, I’ve started to observe that I become very easily agitated, stressed and downright anxious leading up to the holidays. At first, I chalk it up to usual matters, like trying to wrap up my workload or completing my holiday shopping. However, after further exploration – including continued work with my grief therapist – I believe much of this is attributed my dad’s suicide. I’m then reminded Christmas was his favorite time
Back when my biggest problem was a scratchy suit
of year and the entire month was filled with family outings, parties, holiday photos shoots and an elaborate Christmas morning spent under our living room tree. While I’m now grown with my own family and new celebrations, my heart and mind always long for those innocent days where the only emotion I felt was pure joy. Nowadays, I observe myself fretting for weeks over everything under the sun, sometimes in tears. There’s this heavy feeling I can’t shake, nor put my finger on. Many of these things seem very trivial and dissipate once January rolls around.
New Year’s Eve is another “trigger” for me. This is because my dad was pretty strict with us growing up and always wanted to ensure our plans were safe. If we said we were heading out to a party, he wanted to call and make sure a parent was there. And, he really saw no reason for us to be out later than 12:01 a.m. since that’s when all the fun was to be had. So, I often found myself in trouble for sneaking over to parties where parents weren’t home or for throwing fits when I had to be home when everyone else was able to stay out. From what I can remember, I spent many a NYE grounded on the couch wondering what fun everyone else was having. As an adult, I can appreciate where he was coming from but all of this felt so traumatic to teenage me. This is why I almost shudder when people ask what my plans are. I usually respond with “none, which is ok because I don’t like NYE anyway.” I much prefer pretending like it’s any other night. I got a punch in the gut when Facebook prompted me to review my memories from that date and on Dec. 31, 2010 one read, “Signing off 2010, welcoming 2011 with open arms.” Well, guess what happened 8 months later? I just avoid looking at a new year like others do now.
As I was writing this, I wondered if I should be writing instead a post about how the New Year offers us the opportunity to be more hopeful about the year ahead. But, honestly, as a survivor, I personally don’t feel that way. This is real and raw and my expectations/bar have been lowered because I have seen just how ugly life can get. I personally believe it’s fine to look at the transition to a new calendar year just like any other day. I’m still taking my healing day by day. It’s too much to think about a whole new year and put all my eggs in that basket. I won’t pretend like I need a clean slate or that it will magically make my grief any less significant.
I’ve noticed my dad has been present in many of my dreams lately. Not having much of an impact in them, but just “present.” I think this reaffirms that he is at the center/root of my emotions this time of year.
Don’t get me wrong; I do enjoy spending the holiday season with my own family and children, but unfortunately, it will never be the same for me now that this has happened. I don’t want anyone to feel bad or sorry for me about that. It’s just a part of me now. I’m trying to push myself to be more open to the season and I noticed that this year I was actually excited to decorate our home inside and out. I can’t say I will have these strong emotions this time of year forever, but at least now I know to expect them.
Have you noticed the loss of your loved one affected how you felt this past holiday season?
Becky, thank you for your honestly and realness in this post. I can relate. MY brother took his life on June 18th, 2016. This was the first holiday season without him and I found moments with family to be very sad. I felt some relief with it being 2017 since 2016 was the absolute worst year of my life. Also, it helped that I tried something new and went out of state for Christmas this year.
In yoga on NYE, the instructor suggested leaving behind all of the negative events of 2016 and starting fresh. I really struggled with this idea. This feels dishonest and does not honor my brother’s life. I can’t just wipe the slate clean. However, I do have some hope that this year will be a little easier than last.
I pray for an end to this horrible grief and guilt!
I agree wholeheartedly, Becky. I try my best to not allow dread to overcome me as the holidays are approaching each year. My brother took his life four years ago in February. I feel such raw pain each and every day, but holidays do only exacerbate the grief I feel. I miss him so much, and I feel his loss so intensely, because he was the person I loved most in this world. We got each other like no one else ever has. When Christmas Day comes, I feel as though I’m being overtaken by a tumultuous wave, and I struggle to come up for air. I think it takes a lot of courage to talk about this, and I appreciate your insight and willingness to share your painful journey. It makes people like me realize I’m not alone, and others are pushing forward one day at a time as best they can.
Becky,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with such grace and eloquence.
Sugar coating is not helpful, honesty is. My son ended his life December 17, 2010, so it’s been 6 years for us. I sometimes find myself surprised that I am hyper-sensitive, short-tempered or simply a bit teary. The day can sneak up on me and the truth is that I try to focus on the way he lived. But there it is, his death is part of his earthly existence, the ending.
Are the holidays different now? Yes. On the other hand, in many ways I find that each year is a bit ‘softer’ if that makes sense. Still tears, for certainly we will always wish he was here with us. Perhaps it’s the integration of our reality now. The pain has lessened to a great degree, but the love remains strong. And always will.
Namaste,
Sandy
I find the holidays leading to Christmas almost unbearable. I am so stressed out and I have noticed a significant change since the holidays have passed. I feel so much relief. My husband loved Christmas and used to drive me nuts putting up so many decorations and spending so much money. I never shared his joy because growing up my family never celebrated anything. It’s a long story filled with additional headache. This was the third Christmas without the love of my life. It’s so painful for my two daughters who lost their father and for me who lost my husband after 33 yrs of marriage. Nothing will ever be the same. I finally am able to accept that he is gone forever. It’s so much hard work and despair.
suicide grieve is so heart wrenching! Hello, my name is Debbie and I lost my fiancé to suicide on September 20, 2016. I truly don’t know how I got through the holidays, I think it was how I did everything different. I dedicated and created a Christmas tree in his name using butterfly’s and angels. I gave to each family member a candle with his name, date of birth and date of death on it. I treated Christmas in his Name! When 2017 came I was so happy, because 2016 is gone, it was a awful year! I pray hard every day for God to give me strength to get through another day. This pain is never ending, I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy again only time will tell. God Bless us all and may he give us peace, strength, hope and love to get through this pain💙🙏
Thank you, Becky, for putting into words exactly how I’ve felt. I lost my dad to suicide 6 months ago and the holidays were obviously hard. Having young kids I did my fair share of faking it and I was happy I gave myself permission to do less and not feel guilty about it one bit.
Holidays always tug on the familial heartstrings and they always will. Such a special magical time in childhood with so many memories.
I am happy just to have made it through. The few decorations I put out are already down and the prospect of turning the calendar to a new year has me confused. Moving away from the month, the day, that we lost my dad makes me feel as though he’s getting further and further away, yet I welcome the end of a terrible year. I suspect that’s a normal tug and pull feeling for all survivors.
Just- thank you for taking the time to write your piece. Comfort and healing to you in this new year.
Thanks Becky for this post. I can truly relate to it. My 20 year old son Mick attempted suicide on New Years Eve 2014 and then succeeded in taking his own life on November 10th 2015 which was 1 day before his 21st birthday and just over 6 weeks before Christmas. It has only been just over 1 year since my youngest of 5 children left this world and I am not sure if I will ever celebrate Christmas or NYE like I used to before my son suicided.