Five years have passed since losing my dad to suicide. It is often hard to believe that so much time has passed, while other times it feels like just yesterday. My dad’s death has been the most life changing experience thus far. It introduced me to a new level of pain; a level that I never knew existed. The year of firsts, as we survivors of a suicide loss call it, was a difficult one. Not because of his death, but because of my inability to face the pain. I shut out the world around me, blaming everything and everyone for my unhappiness. I wanted to run away. I thought that maybe if I ran fast enough, the pain wouldn’t follow. Yet no matter where I went, the pain followed. I had two choices: either I could keep running, or I could stop and face it head on. In my own time, I stopped running. I turned around and faced the pain, anger, fear and guilt that had taken over my life. Was it easy? No. But, the end result made it all worth it.
A couple weeks ago I was looking for a book, and came across a letter that my dad had written me. He was great with words. Every card had a message for me, a message that often moved me to tears. At the time, I remember being touched by his words, but I would put the card away rarely giving his words a second thought. When I sat down to read his letter, I couldn’t help but reflect back on the work I have done since his death. When I let go of the pain, anger and guilt I realized how much my father was still present in my life. This letter was a reminder. While his words were written many years ago, they have provided me with more direction now then ever before.
“Relax, don’t let impatience creep into your life because life is a lifelong journey. You will never get out of it alive. You’ll never be done. You’re fine just the way you are. You are not finished with yourself, and God isn’t finished with you either. Realize that the journey from here to there will never be completed. Such is life. Have compassion for the distance between where you are now, and where you are going next. Remember-where you are now is the goal from a former moment in time. Patience is enjoying the journey. It’s not climbing the mountain to get to the top, it’s climbing the mountain to enjoy the climb. Enjoy the process of life. If you don’t have fun while getting there, you probably won’t have fun when you arrive.”
It’s like he was writing a letter to himself. I am so thankful for his words, and the lessons he continues to teach me. I don’t know why his life had to end in the manner it did. I don’t know why some people appear to be given a better hand in life. I have learned that focusing on these types of “whys” only leads to more pain, anger and fear. “Such is life” as my dad said. What I can focus on are the lessons I can learn, and the moments I can cherish. It’s about finding happiness in the little moments, and knowing that peace comes from within. “It’s not climbing the mountain to get to the top, it’s climbing the mountain to enjoy the climb.” I agree, Dad. I agree.
This as exactly what I needed today. As I pushed myself to read God’s Word this am, this post was complimentary to everything I needed to read today. Thank you. Karl
You are very welcome Karl. Happy to help.
Jessica,
As I sat looking through cards I had given David that he had saved with tears running down my face, I thought “I’ll check Jessica’s blog., it will help.” As usual you are Godsend. I’m so sorry for your pain, but I am so thankful for your kindness and insight. Peace and love.
We are forever connected:) I am so happy that I was able to offer you comfort! XOXO
I so needed this today. It will be 5 years next May that I lost my dad to suicide. Thank you so much ❤ Your dad would be so proud of how much you help others through your posts
Thank you Meredith…that means a lot!
Thanks for your article., it is great to be able to relate to so many things. Amy J. was a hs classmate, so I saw your post previously in my FB timeline and had sent her a message. My father committed suicide 11 years ago and the 5 yr. mark was a big anniversary and I was able to start moving forward at that point. The grief was difficult to get through- but the trauma has been 10x harder for me, people don’t usually understand that suicide involves both grief and a trauma. Although, every situation is different- in my case there was so much emotional damage and trauma leading up to and the aftermath, it has taken so long to heal because there were so many layers that need to be resolved (and I’ve had a lot of counseling and worked a recovery for a long time). I am doing much better and things keep on getting better- recovering from severe PTSD (and dissasociation) has been extremely difficult. I now have a very strong faith, had a conversion and am finding myself becoming the healthy, whole person I was meant to be with a strong foundation under me and the emotional and psychological wounds that I had are healing. I wish that for you and hope you find the strength, hope and healing that you deserve.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are correct, many do not understand the trauma that accompanies a suicide loss. I am fortunate to have worked through my grief, and have found peace. In a weird way, my life is better because of my dad’s death. That is weird to say, I know, but it has helped me take accountability for my life and the direction in which I am going. I have learned to find peace within. But you are right….it is quite the journey!
Your dad’s writing was very introspective and beautiful. Sometimes the ones who inspire the most, love the most and make you laugh the most, do not have enough love and beauty left over to spend on themselves.
That is incredibly true!
Thank you for this. April, will be two years since I lost my father. Sorry for your loss. Hope you have a good New Years.
I lost my dad on new year’s day 2016. I feel like I’ve done really well this year despite the absolutely devastating loss of my dad. I got married this year, became an auntie and was home more than I have been in years. I feel like I processed my grief quickly compared to other stories I’ve read. Compared to where I was at the start of the year, I started feeling like myself again around 4 months after the loss (something I’m psycho-analyzing myself about – was it too fast? is there something wrong with me?).
Then the holiday season hit. I’m overwhelmed with emotion the past few days. I’ve been really moody and even unkind with my husband. I guess this looming anniversary has caught me off guard. Thankfully, this surge of emotion led me to stumble across this blog.
I wish my dad had written me messages like your dad did, Jessica. Usually when he had something really meaningful to tell me, he’d just say it privately, and I’m so scared that I will forget those memories, that I have forgotten some of them already. I have a pretty bad memory to begin with (maybe it’s been impacted because of the trauma…) and I’m terrified of losing my dad even more.
There’s so much more I could write, but for now, I’d just like to thank you and Becky for this blog. It’s good to know there’s a community out there – I don’t know anyone else whose lost a family member to suicide.
I lost my father 10 years ago to suicide. I think of him all the time but, like you I found his poetry that he wrote in college and his words spoke to me. He also left a copy of his favorite poem called Desiderata and in it, there is a line that he loved to quote that says “the universe is unfolding as it should”. It was hard to believe that anymore after he died butt in time I begin to think it was true again. 4 years later I lost my mother to suicide and I was crushed for several years. Finally I got help. Today I miss them both everyday but I can get through life with happiness and finding joy. Thank you for sharing your story of a man who sounds like an incredible father.