Five years ago (and for the entirety of my life before that point), I never would have thought that a loved one would die by suicide. I just didn’t think it would be in the realm of possibility, let alone for the head of our family. Since then, I have lived in a constant fear of losing someone suddenly again that way. Losing a loved one to suicide has left me with an unfortunate and somewhat debilitating paranoia I have to work very hard to shake.
My dad’s death happened so quickly and unexpectedly that it showed me bad things like this do happen in life – and can happen to me. Again, I never would have thought that’d be the case. Until his death, I had only lost grandparents to very slow battles with old age or cancer and that’s what I thought “dying” was for our family.
I can’t stop thinking about what I could do to prevent this from happening again. I am upset that my dad’s death (and he) did this to me. It’s not something I should have to worry about.
I recently attended an event on raising toddlers and shuddered when I listened to a particular lecture on discipline. It was facilitated by an author and researcher who has decades of experience with counseling parents of “testy” kids. I was completely jarred when he kept giving examples of the things kids say in the midst of a tantrum that often went like, “Ugh, I hate you. I am going to run away and kill myself” when the kid didn’t like what the parent had to say. To him, this was a harmless and comical example of what parents face (people laughed) and then he offered tips on how to approach the tantrum…not what to do when they yell that particular line itself. I couldn’t even digest the advice he was giving because all I could think about is when I hear something like that for the first time it will be so different for me than it will be (or has been) for all of the other parents in that room. It is going to take everything in me not to break down in a fearful panic and beg and plead for that not to be the case.
I know kids and adults say things like this all the time without really meaning it, but once you have lived through the loss of someone this way, it carries a far heavier weight. In addition to this, I constantly and irrationally wonder if anything I have said or done would drive someone to end his or her life. I am so scarred by what I have already lost that I keep running through scenarios in my head of ways I could prevent this from ever “touching” me because I just can’t go through it again. I know in reality it does happen again to some. We have many readers who’ve been through multiple losses. I just don’t think anyone should have to experience this tremendous pain ever and especially not more than once.
I am working hard to not live a life of fear. Five years later, it’s still a struggle. That’s just how deeply a loss by suicide can affect someone. My hope is that I will eventually grow out of this, but I just don’t see how. I don’t see how hearing someone say a line like the author gave to me wouldn’t send me into a complete tailspin.
How do you manage your worries about this?
I have a fear also. My father passed 7 1/2 years ago. My three children were very young and I didn’t at the time want to tell them exactly how he died. I had said I would wait until they were a bit older. Then that time came and thoughts of how hard teenage years are, I didn’t want to tell them about their grandfather because if times got hard for them, I thought in my head they would think that if Granddaddy did it, then it’s ok for us. They went through a time where they would get mad and say, “I’ll kill myself” or one sibling would say to another to go kill themselves. To this day, they still don’t know the way their grandfather died and I don’t know when or how to tell them but it worries me so bad that if they are going through troubled moments, suicide will go through their minds. It has interfered with me parenting because of this. I have gone much easier on them because I have the fear. It hasn’t let up, actually has gotten worse as they get older. Hopefully one day that will change.
This is exactly how I see things going in our household!
This a very real fear for me. After losing five family members to murder suicide I can say that you never can imagine the unimaginable happening before but now you do. Because of such a traumatic event my family suffers from PTSD and profound and complex grief that not many can understand. It is a very isolating and mind and emotional altering experience that has lead to hospital visits for some family members because of such extreme emotional turmoil. When I dont hear from my children right away when I call or someone is not acting like themselves I panic. I am constantly telling them to always TELL me what they are feeling and thinking because I will understand and we can get help. Just tell me……. I have feared even for myself that I will succumb to the torment that overtakes me sometimes but then I know it will lift sometimes as quickly as it comes. I have come to realize that we have to trust that things will be OK and the lord will not lay more trauma at our feet, it just wont or cant happen, I tell myself but I also know we have to be more persistent and open when we sense someone is in trouble without being hyper vigilant or worrying without reason. We all know worry is so counter productive to anything good coming from it but I think its will take time to loosen the grip after such tragedy.
I have been one of the unlucky ones to live thru suicide twice. My younger sister died by suicide in 1984 at the age of 19. I had 2 children. One born in 1991 and one in 1995. Both boys. Growing up they were my life. My youngest started showing signs of depression as a junior in high school. He tried to kill himself but survived and he tried to kill himself again last year. My oldest got married and had a son of his own. I was totally devastated on 10/10/16 when he was the one to succeed at killing himself. No one had a clue he was depressed. And now my poor 2 yr old grandson grows up without a daddy. And I am in constant fear that my remaining son will try again and succeed.
Thank you for sharing. I don’t know how someone gets over suicide loss. The reality of my dad’s death to suicide hits me more so around the holidays as that’s around the time that he died. It is always a painful and tragic loss and I grieve for him all the time.
I fully understand your feelings as I lost my beautiful granddaughter to suicide 2 yrs ago. Now my grandson is having bouts with depression and I’m worried about him as he prefers seclusion! I belong to a support group and think that I am strong enough to keep the conversation going but recently another person reached out for help and I wasn’t sure I could be what she needed! I did try but another person went to her aid and I was so relieved. So even tho I think I can do some intervention, I’m very unsure of my self and the responsibility! I cringe went I hear young people threaten suicide!
Sorry for going on like this! Thanks for letting me be truthful! K
Seeing or finding a suicide is something I pray my children never have to deal with. I lived in a different state than my daughter when my husband hung himself . I came home from work and opened the garage to find him. It’s been almost 2 years. Sometimes I think my daughter has more trouble with it than me, but I had a really good counselor. She has not gone to counseling. I still have days that I think “if only I had done something different” perhaps it would not have happened. But I know it was not my fault. My mother recently died and I have had a lot of
ill feelings. I know I will get thru, I have the tools for coping and I am a strong person, But three deaths in two years of people you loved can wear you down, especially when the first one was a totally unexpected suicide. When I first read this sight and a lady wrote she was going on 5 years, I thought Holy Cow, but I can totally understand it now. Friends want me to date and I am not ready. Just know it does get better. Go at your own pace and get counsel. Hugs to all of you. H
I lost my daughter to suicide 3 yrs. ago. I got the call while I was at work. She did it at work. She was my only child and I knew she had things happening in her life that were very hard, like a 5 yr. relationship ending and her department at work was closing. She tried and tried to get interviews and nothing. I knew she had anxiety really bad, but she told me she could never commit suicide. I believed her. I felt so betrayed when she left me. I have PTSD and I don’t even want to leave the house for fear of seeing places we went to and the fact that the place she took her life is in the middle of town and you can’t avoid it. The first year I was numb, the second year I don’t even remember. The third year I was a mess. My anxiety was off the charts and I cried all the time. She was my BFF and only child. Now I am going into my 4th year and I have turned to God ever since this happened and I felt he had abandoned me too because I was not getting better. But now I pray everyday and tell myself that my daughter must have had the worst demons in her head that caused her to take her life. So I tell myself that she is happy in heaven with no pain and she is with my parents and 3 siblings. She is not suffering anymore. I feel I am getting better but I still don’t want to leave the house. This started last summer. I go out for doctor appointments and I have my friends over for lunch. In the beginning I was going out all the time and I don’t understand why I have this fear in me now. I used to cry every day and the crying is minimal now. I will never understand or ever make sense of what happened. I am not the person I was before she died. I can’t remember what normal is anymore. Has anyone had these feelings?
My mother completed a sucide six months ago. She had suffered about 23years of bipolar disorder. Now i am afraid of suicide somtimes i have thoughts of meaningless of life. I am afraid of these thoughts , afraid of inhriting her mental disease and have fears about my sisters and brothers .