There are a number of emotions that consume us after losing a loved one to suicide. We talk about pain, sadness, and guilt, but anger often gets swept to the side. It took me a long time to feel angry. I spent a great deal of time feeling overwhelming sadness knowing that my dad’s pain was so great that suicide felt like his only option. How can you be angry with someone in that kind of pain? So when the anger hit me, I was left asking, “Why am I so angry?!”
Last month I was asked to speak for The Other Side of Suicide’s video series on grief. In my interview, I was asked to touch on the topic of anger. What I found on my own journey is the overwhelming anger I was experiencing was not aimed at my dad; it was aimed at myself. And let me tell you a little something about anger….you can be angry at yourself for a long time. The most difficult part about anger is that nobody can take it away from you. How could they? Nobody can make you not hate yourself. For me the, “there is nothing you could have done” statements just fueled my already burning fire. “Of course there was,” I would think to myself as I gave the person a curtesy “thanks.” Then I would walk away silently yelling at myself for not doing more to prevent my dad’s death. So, what can we do about the anger?
Anger to me isn’t much more than a mask for pain, sadness and fear. In order to work through my own anger, I had to figure out what lied beneath. And that wasn’t all that pretty. There was a tremendous amount of pain. Pain that he made the decision to end his life. Pain that I wasn’t able to stop him from leaving this world that cold December day. Followed by extreme sadness. Sadness knowing that I would never again hear his voice, or feel his warm embrace. Sadness knowing that he was in that kind of pain. Sadness over not feeling like enough for him to want to live for. Lastly, I found fear. Fear that his reality would one day be my reality. I was already feeling so miserable….how will this ever get better?
I wish I could say that I did (fill in the blank) and felt better. But truly, it was a combination of a lot of stuff. I do think that one of the best things I did was find others who could validate how I was feeling. I didn’t want to hear, “you couldn’t have done more” or “he is in a better place.” I wanted to hear, “I understand.” Receiving the validation I needed helped me look beyond the anger and start acknowledging the true emotions that lie beneath.
If you find yourself feeling angry, ask yourself where the anger is coming from. Are you directing it toward yourself? If so, take some time to look beneath your anger. That is where the healing takes place.
Thanks for writing this. I was having very similar feelings last night. IT was the 6 month anniversary of when my brother took his life. I had traveled down to florida to be with my parents for “faux christmas” and felt devastated that he wasn’t there. I found myself repeating to myself that this was not supposed to happen and feeling so much anger towards myself that I hadn’t been able to change the outcome. I should have talked to him more. I should have been more supportive to him. I should have asked him more directly if he was thinking of taking his life. I feel so much anger towards myself and I am not sure if I can ever forgive myself. I know everyone feels at fault but I feel like I failed him. How can I be successful at anything if I couldn’t save my one and only brother? Just really tough to deal with.