Surviving the loss of a loved one to suicide can be especially difficult for those who are not blood relatives or a spouse of the deceased. It’s not uncommon for survivors in these instances to feel lonely, alienated by the family or even blamed for what happened. Today we share the story of Jean Mellano, who lost her partner Steve after 33 years together. She details her difficult experience as a partner and not the spouse, originally published on her blog, “Slipped Away.”
I Am Not the Spouse: A Cautionary Tale
A picture is worth a thousand words. Steve and I were soul mates for over 33 years until
he took his own life on March 15, 2015. I leave it to the reader to look at Steve’s headstone photo to see if they think anything is missing. Steve and I lived together for over 25 years, however, there is no such thing as common law marriage in my state that would give me the spousal rights most would think should have naturally fallen to me. It has taken me over a year to write this blog as I was so angry and bitter over things that transpired after Steve had passed that I didn’t want to further fuel the flames of bad feelings that are not unusual in the case of a sudden death or suicide of a loved one.
Now, although I write this with sadness since I know what happened was not what Steve would have wanted, I write this to educate with the hopes it will inspire conversations between people who are committed to each other, so much so, that they have already drawn up the legal documents such as wills, powers of attorney and healthcare proxies but have chosen for whatever reason not to marry (or cannot marry). Steve and I did all these things thinking we would be protected. We also verbally discussed some of the details of our funerals and how we wanted our remains to be handled. However, there are situations where the law will not recognize ‘committed partners’ and decision making with respect to the deceased will fall to ‘next of kin’, which may or may not be what the partners had verbally discussed.
Steve had always said, “we love each other so much and are so devoted to each other, why do we need a piece of paper (marriage certificate) to confirm that?” Steve always referred to me as his wife when introducing me to new acquaintances and we were ‘married’ in every sense of the word except we did not have a legal certificate of marriage. This is a huge exception when the one you loves dies. Society (including friends and family) tend to perceive the relationship differently and not really committed, regardless of how many years the couple lived together. It has been my experience that, in certain instances, my relationship with Steve was marginalized by some since we were not married. It was extremely painful to feel that I was treated as though Steve and I had only been dating for a few weeks.
As sole beneficiary and executor of Steve’s will, one would have thought there should have been no question as to who should be making certain choices. However, since I was not legally ‘next of kin’, I had no power to make many decisions in the months following Steve’s death since the will had to go through probate. Even though the will was not contested, because of the bureaucracy and backlog of the courts, it was several months before I received my testamentary papers that made me officially in control of all things related to Steve. In those months that followed Steve’s death and before I was the official executor of Steve’s estate, I had no legal power to make some critical decisions that could not wait until the courts finished their work.
When I was writing Steve’s memoir, the publishing company told me that since I did not have testamentary papers, I would need approval from ‘next of kin’ to use his image in the book. Not being Steve’s surviving spouse prohibited me from getting original death certificates myself from the state where Steve died until I had my testamentary papers. One final situation was the entitlement of a surviving spouse to Social Security benefits of the deceased. Since Steve and I were not married when he died, I have no rights to collect any of what would have been his benefits.
As one can imagine, while trying to sort through the horrific grief after Steve’s suicide, not being a part of many key decisions was very painful for me. I don’t know if things would have been handled differently if I was Steve’s wife, but I do know, in the eyes of the law, I would have had much more power. The collateral damage resulting from sudden death of a loved one is difficult enough without having to deal with all the other bad feelings that may result because you were ‘not the spouse’.
About the Author
Jean Mellano is the author of “Slipped Away,” a memoir on her experience losing her life partner, Steve to suicide. Steve was a remarkable man and impacted so many lives in powerful and positive ways, both as a coach of sport and a coach of life. She felt his story needed to be told and hopes to bring awareness to mental health issues and to inspire conversation about depression and suicide. Read more at http://www.SlippedAway.org.
I can relate to this so much. My partner took his life on May 15 2015. His family closed ranks and excluded me. I was not told of his death until a day after it happened. They held a private family funeral which I was not invited to. My phone calls and text messages to his sister and sons were unanswered. I discovered they went to his house the day after he died to clean everything out, my offers to help were rejected. After a few days I just went there and asked for some things which had been presents I had given him…they gave me one of the items and promised others later but it never happened. I was invited to a wake after the funeral but when I went up to each of his 3 sons and daughters in law to hug them and talk with them, they all turned away from me. His sister spoke with the police for the inquest but did not tell them he was in a committed relationship. I can only think how sad my partner would have been about this. I have had to work hard on accepting their responses came from within themselves and it is not to do with me. It is best they are not a part of my life. Rather than waste time on being angry with them it has freed up my time and emotions to feel the deep sadness and grief of losing the person I loved so much. It is hard though and yet another blow in the horribleness that is being a suicide survivor. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Wendy, I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. I have learned (in therapy and from other suicide survivors), someone needs to take the “blame” . Unfortunately, for you and I, we seem to be the ones others want to point their fingers at. This is probably what propelled me to write Steve’s memoir, build a website and facebook page to continue his legacy and show our great love for each other. I think I felt the need to prove to the world that we truly loved each other since I was ostracized by his family and some of his friends. Peace and strength to you.
its 5 am in the morning i just got back from a ‘party night’ …partying is not my thing ,i don’t drink or smoke or sleep with random strangers ,i go out so that the noises/loud music block the loud and clear pain in my heart, chest and mind.
about me: i am a 25 yrs old Master’s student ,i speak five languages fluently and learning the 6th ,i am a keen reader and i have big ambitions (from a Phd ,my own book ,an organisation to help young under-privileged girls get en education…to developing ecofriendly/vernacular prototypes of buildings ….reading all Proust’s books …etc etc) ,i come from a modest yet loving family (i stopped attempting suicide cause my existence and well-being is essential to them ,and regardless the depression and the hatred i carry in my chest towards the world and humans ,the love and devotion i have for family is nothing but sincere and strong ,i spare my life because ending it will mean pain to them ,and can not see or imagine those i love in pain).
i have been bullied for being a ‘smart hardworking kid’…high school final year i got beaten by a male friend during recess in front of the whole school ‘for being a smartass’ ,i couldn’t press charges as his father was a teacher at my high school and could turn teachers against me and therefore hurt my permanent record ‘thing he did even though i didn’t press charges’.
high school is over with a triumph ,i ended up first in my school ,and managed to get into one of the country’s most prestigious school (i’ve become the first one in my town to ever be able to get accepted there) ,i thanked God a million times for his graces and imagined my miseries to be over…
College ended up being a 2.0 high school ,bullied and marginalised by rich more privileged kids and i didn’t fit …my anger and sadness started piling ,at the age of 19 (a bit of late bloomer i guess) i started having feelings for guys ,and i was sure i would meet someone ,that is how i started realising i was not favoured by God looks-wise (at least in my town i was liked ,envied maybe but admired) ,in my new College i was an invisible bullied unattractive thing.
i thought i was hanging around the wrong crowd …see i always imagined myself to be special ,a girl who read three books of Nietzsche at the age of 18, who can recite poems from ‘les fleurs du mal’ of Baudelaire ,who cried on poor Werther when he ended his life for love ….a girl like this can’t be unattractive, i mean i may not be Venus, or Isolde ,but i am still okay … i guess … maybe not …(i used to believe that a person should never be judged on what they had no say in : who their parents are ,or where they were born ,or how they looked ….but rather on what they worked hard to become ,what they have a say in/control on)
i moved to another country you know to get fresh air ,i’ve heard people in this new country are more like me …that i would fit perfectly in , after 2 years living here ,things got -are getting- only worse.
and there started a long -still ongoing- trip of self-hatred ,from hating my weight ,face ,hair ,stupid brown eyes ,big nose to hating what i worked hard to be : why are you so awkward?why aren’t you likeable ?why do you read all time?can’t you just be cute like other girls?why are you not feminine …i absorbed all the brainwashing ideas /standard beauty …(i was aware of it ,but still i took the bate)
i hate what i am / i want to be anyone else but me ,i can threw up my food for hours ,starve myself for days ,pop ‘diet pills’ ,i can straighten ,dye my hair ,wear skirts ,buy tons of shoes …i still hated that reflexion i saw on the mirror … why would i want or like what no one else want or like ?
why would i want or like what no one else want or like ? … i didn’t -still don’t- want to deal with this pain …(you think its nice being awake at 5 am in the morning drowning in your tears ,you think throwing up until your ribs crack is fun or do you think that awkwardness you go through when your male friends complement all girls in the room but you … cause you are a tomboy ‘one of the dudes’ … maybe its nothing compared to putting yourself as a cheap marchandise in the tacky tinder world ‘knowing that you are too good for that’ and then be blocked on whatsapp by a guy after he saw your picture).
i am a woos ,i couldn’t end my life ,pills ,razor … i always lack the courage to get the job done … and that time i tried to end it and in the middle of my depression hysterical crisis … there was my mom crying and on her knees,thats look of despair in her eyes ,for the first time that pain was BIGGER than any other pain i ever felt before, and i would do anything to never see my mom like that again.
but i am not less suicidal or less depressed : i cry for hours ,i dont go out and i don’t have hope … i despise humans, i avoid them, and i took a long road to delete eradicate any feelings or emotions … i read a lot : Simone de Beauvoir nor Freud nor Goethe can change how i feel ,but at least i feel safe and less ugly with them.
no guy has ever loved me … what’s there to love ?there is no Tristan of Werther for girls like me …lately i can’t stand the pity look on my friends’ faces ,i can’t stand that look of ‘yeah poor thing she will never have anyone’ ‘don’t bother ask her about life she probably single as she has always been’
i want to look for guy ,to pretend to be my fake boyfriend ….this is how depressed and desperate i am to fit in …i need to see a good reflection of me even if its fake (L’ Enfer c’est les autres…hell is the others J.P Sartre).
can sad and depression kill?sleep with a heavy sad heart and wake up dead?
whats dying out of sadness …cause its just a matter of time …
I am so sorry for your pain. It must be unbearable and I wish I could say something to make you feel better. My Steve suffered as well, even though he had accomplished so much in his life, much like yourself. You are not alone in your pain. I wish there was a solution.