In the four plus years since losing my dad to suicide, I have had a number of people ask me, “Did you see the signs?” For a long time I struggled with my response. The angry person in me wanted to say, “If I did do you think we would be having this conversation?” The guilty person in me wanted to say, “Yes, I did. I should have been able to stop him.” The bitter person in me wanted to say, “In what world is that question appropriate?” As a survivor of a suicide loss, I know how difficult this question can be to answer. I have learned a lot about this question, and wanted to share some of my insights with you in the event that you too are struggling with your response.
- I have learned that my reaction to this question was based on my own guilt and the shame that accompanies suicide. While the question was, “did you see the signs” the message I heard was, “why weren’t you able to prevent this?” I do not believe that most people are intending on making us feel like we are to blame for the death of our loved one. Often the question comes from a place of fear. Fear that our reality will become their reality. They ask because they themselves want to be more aware of the signs. I no longer fault them for that. This has helped with the anger that came as a result of the question, “did you see the sings?” I learned that it wasn’t about shame or blame. It was about another person wanting to educate themselves, and I couldn’t fault them for that.
- I have learned that sometimes the signs aren’t as clear as one might assume. Awhile back, I came across an excellent article in The Wall Street Journal regarding the warning signs. The article talks about our reliance on simply asking the person and trusting their answer. If a person has spent years masking their depression/anxiety, how can we be able to tell if they are being truthful with their response? This helped me with the guilt. The guilt that led to my desire to answer the question, “did you see the signs?” in a specific way. Sometimes the signs are there, but they are really difficult to see.
- I have learned that timing is everything. There are those random individuals who ask you at the most inappropriate times. I am not sure if it is ignorance or stupidity to be honest. Don’t focus on them. Don’t allow them to change your mood or impact the day. It is hard enough to find the energy to get through the day; don’t give these people what little energy you have left.
Through many of my own experiences with this question, I have learned that I have the power to allow this question to knock me down or build me up. I am honest when I am asked this question. I provide insight on what signs I did see, noting that they were much clearer after my dad’s death than before. I tell them that some of the signs aren’t as clear as you would think, and maybe to dig deeper if they fear anyone else’s safety is at risk. At the end of the day, I want to prevent this type of tragedy from happening. One way I can do that, is by answering the question honestly. It’s not an easy question to answer, and it is even harder to not walk away feeling like you are to blame for what has happened. Know that you aren’t alone. I do hope that my insights can help you when you are faced with this difficult question.
You brought me back to a time when conversations wth my buddy about suicide as a solution would arise. I remember we had a pact to,”call each other before we acted on it”. That’s seems kinda silly now. Sure we promised each other but once someone crosses that line in their head they probably played it out in their minds a thouand times. It’s not that he didn’t honor our agreement to call but I’m sure the last thing he wanted to do was be asked to stop. He surely didn’t want to hurt me more than he knew I’d already be hurt. So instead he asked me to forgive him if he ever did it. Try those shoes on once before you pass on any judgements. Sometimes the so called “Warning Signs” are front & center and you still can’t do anything to change its course.
Absolutely! The signs aren’t always as clear as one might assume…
This is a question I have a bad time with too. I guess the roots of it is because I feel I should have been able to prevent it. But then, I did, many times. I get upset at myself for not stopping or seeing it when it was really happening. But then, everything in our lives had been going great at the time. It was just a few moments of emotion. And now with this statement shared “if I do it, please forgive me”. That is the reality. My boyfriend/fiance’ had once said, “You know it’s gonna happen.” And he was talking about him dying first. (Not an expected life outcome since he was 24 years my junior and in good health. But I sort of freaked out by him saying that. Now I see that he was telling me that no matter how good things were he still felt intense pain and thought about suicide still. I’m pretty sure if I’d been able to discuss it more then, he’d have asked me to “forgive him if he did”.
Thank you all for the stories you’ve shared; although I’m SO sorry we have this in common.
Hugs and Healing to you all.
Jackie
Touche! Jessica, you hit the nail on the head here. My hubby has only been gone a year and a half so I still hear this question more frequently than I want to. 😖 And I actually have replied to that question by saying, “If I had, then my hubby would still be here today”.
And the more that I thought about why people would ask that the more obvious the answer became. Most of the time when people posed that query they followed up by saying that my husband, my daughter, my son, my mother seems to be depressed. So I, also, think that they may truly be concerned for their their own personal someone, whomever that may be.
I sold the home that my hubby and I shared and have now bought a place for just myself. I can’t believe how many times I think of my hubby while going through this process. We have always done this together and it seems so sad without him here to bounce thoughts and ideas back and forth. I’ll be moving into my home soon and it will seem so utterly strange and sad without him there.
I’m glad that you posted this particular “thought” today. I have a feeling that once my neighbors learn that my husband died by his own hand I will again hear the same question: “Did you see any signs?” So it’s best that I try and brace myself ahead of time.
Before I pop off here, I would like to pose a question for those folks who are reading your informative and caring blog. When people ask how your loved one died, how do most folks answer? Thankfully I don’t hear that question that often but I am curious if others may fib about the cause of death. Not out of shame but because they just don’t want to have to dredge up the terribly sad thoughts again.
If this blog has already discussed this qeustion then I apologize. And perhaps you can tell me where I may search to find your post regarding this very thing.
Thank you again for your webpage. I have found it helpful while walking my own sad path. I still feel my dear husband’s presence around me, though, and I take that as a comfort.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My father took his life 13 yrs ago. It seems like yesterday. You bring up a great question that I have stumbled on often. My dad suffered from depression most of. His adult life,he also was Irish Catholic and a a devout Christian. That being said,he spoke often of his strong beliefs. Suicide was one he did not accept. I believe that was his healthy mind speaking. So what I’m getting at is my mom lied after his death. A heart attack was the horrible lie she said,I never said that and did not hide his actions. So now as time passes and new people come into my life,new clients as well(I am a hairdresser) I’m often asked how my father passed. I NEVER lie,as Mabye,just Mabye by telling my story,though somewhat painful I may help educate. My journey started as a child ,and as I do feel I lost my dads battle and hope one day I can help win someone else’s. God bless you with strength.
Amen! After my brother died from suicide, I looked back at the last few phone conversations we had–he lived several states away. He was dropping hints but I didn’t pick up on it. Part of my guilt is that even if it had dawned on me–that he was talking about ending his own life–I don’t think I would have believed he would really do it. If he was depressed or distraught, he never let on. He was highly successful, had a wide circle of friends, was a well-respected leader in his community, etc. People came to him for help! I knew he was unhappy but I thought he would figure it out for himself–he even said so. I did encourage him to get therapy to help him through this “rough patch” but he flat out refused to accept outside help. Like so many other highly successful and accomplished people, he hid his inner struggle well. I am so sorry I wasn’t paying closer attention and didn’t consider that even my highly capable brother could choose such a tragic option and act on it.
Paula,
“I don’t think I would have believed he would really do it”
Correct..how do you work up your ability to take your own life? Nobody in their right minds gets this accomplished. After my son’s suicide I thought about it, but there is no way I get it done. Suicidal thoughts arise when one is very stressed out for one reason or another, this is not unusual, but those who go on taking their lives have something entirely different. Who would think someone who never hurt a fly or shows any other type of aggression towards self or others would take his/her life? Nobody of course, but those who are already ill are at risk and ill doesn’t necessarily mean mentally ill, often they are physically ill. Or why exactly does it concern so many with diabetes, heart problems, kidney disease, Epilepsy, other obvious neurological disorders? And how come we still don’t view depression and anxiety as an illness and something that can be overcome with “positive thoughts and walking it off” ? Besides, psychiatric treatment is kind of bad still. Who in the world wants to see a psychiatrist? Again…stigma prevents these people from seeking help soon enough.
Read a book by David Joiner, a psychologist. He lost his father to suicide and later realized his dad must have been suffering from bipolar depression for 40 years. Since it is still heavily stigmatized he didn’t seek treatment soon enough.
It’s a real tragedy, I am so sorry for your loss.
To me did you see the signs is a stupid, and insensitive question. If I had known my son, and only biological child was suicidal I would not be here. My son like many who are suicidal I now realize was very good at hiding his pain, and suicide ideation.
My son while he had struggled in school having been diagnosed with what were told by his therapist was just mild depression, and ADD was coming off a great year, gotten his EMT, new job at an Ambulance company… He gave no indication at all that last day anything was wrong. We went to work that morning with no reason to think we were never going to see him again. He got up sometime that morning and shot himself his bedroom where we found him that night.
Looking back at it now yes there were some hints he had thought about ending his life. It’s amazing now with the clarity of 20/20 hindsight how obvious it seems he was a suicide risk. Point is if we had known of our loved ones suicidal ideation we would have moved heaven and earth to stop them.
I am the oldest sibling of 4, and in the last two years my sister and I have lost both of our brothers to suicide. The first brother to take his life was openly depressed, and admitted he was suicidal. He attemped one time before being successful in March of 2015. My baby brother then took his life just 14 months after loosing his older brother in May 2016. My baby brother never once spoke of feeling depressed and never displayed any of the signs/symptoms that our other brother did before he took his life. Everyone that knew him including my family and his very closest friends were completely shocked, and the pain I have felt at loosing not one but both of my beautiful brothers is indescribable………and yet people have had the nerve to say things to me like, “Your first brother to committt suicide was clearly sick, but what the fuck happened with your baby brother?” Questions like this shock me. The lack of understanding and compassion people have is unnerving, but I think it all relates back to the “stigma” our society has with mental health and suicide.