In the wake of losing a loved one to suicide – particularly a child – it can be difficult to find silver linings in their passing. Today, guest blogger Ann shares about the slow acceptance of “gifts” she has received as she carries on the memory of her son Brian.
“Unimaginable Gifts”
I’m going to admit something I never imagined I would. How could I? I’m a mom who not only lost her beautiful son, but he died by suicide. Four years, 6 months and 15 days ago, I never thought I would survive the loss of one of my children. But then the unimaginable happened. And four years, 6 months and 13 days ago, I survived.
I survived and yes, I’m going to admit out loud that I’ve received precious gifts since
Brian’s loss. Not the gifts that come wrapped up in a beautiful package tied with a shiny bow, but the gifts of newly formed bonds of friendship with the “survivors of suicide loss” community. With little words needed, only a tearful look or understanding hug, we are suddenly family.
It’s the gift of hosting the 2nd Annual Lax2Live Lacrosse game at East Lyme High in Connecticut as we keep the conversation going on suicide awareness.
I stood before the young athletes on a field where Brian once played with his enthusiasm of the sport and love for his teammates. Sadness filled my heart. But the sadness turns to love, and the love turns to strength. Yes, another gift. Looking at the faces hidden in the lacrosse masks, I urge them to look out for one another or maybe it might be themselves who are struggling with their thoughts about life. I am reminded of how Brian would always reach out to a friend who he thought was struggling, but neglected to look out for himself. The love and pride in my heart soars. I know today, he is giving me the gift of strength. The strength that although it is bittersweet to be on this field in front of these young athletes, that I am not alone. He is with me as I send the message to the lacrosse players and assure them that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. The mere fact that I can stand before these boys and girls is a gift.
The gift of strength has been given to me many times over these past four years, six months and 13 days. On April 2nd I tried to pay it forward to honor Brian on his birthday, but not only was I given a gift from hundreds of others, many were given a gift of complimentary chocolate chip pancakes at our local diner, The Shack! My heavy heart on that difficult day was a little lighter as so many strangers stepped up to honor a boy they never knew and paid for others to enjoy chocolate chip pancakes in memory of Brian. (Read about it in our local paper, here.)
But the truth is, until recently, I wasn’t willing to receive gifts. Not the gift of love and support from others or even the shiny bow gifts.
In the past six months, not suddenly but gradually over time, another gift came to me.
A tribute statue to Brian in his favorite park.
The gift is the ability to understand that my love for Brian remains stronger than ever. He will always and forever be with me and with everyone we touch. Yes, I miss him with my every breath. But together we walk the journey with people who are grieving from the loss of someone dear. Together we talk passionately to increase suicide awareness and reduce the stigma surrounding mental health.
With my heart open to receive I look for the gifts in each day, in the interactions of people I meet and in the journey ahead. I am forever grateful to so many for your gifts of support, love and friendship. Wishing you all moments of hope and peace ~ Ann
Ann lost her son Brian to suicide in 2011 and shares about his memorial foundation on Facebook. The mission of the Brian T. Dagle Memorial Foundation is to promote hope and healing for people who are grieving the loss of someone special or struggling with the challenges of life by providing support services, education, and resources to nurture both their physical and emotional needs in Southeastern Connecticut. In addition to grief support, the Foundation strives to educate people on suicide prevention and promote awareness of suicide risk factors and warning signs
My dear Ann,
I am so great full for your help and understanding whe I lost my Hanna Marie. I so admire you strength and compassion and honestly don’t know how you do this! Yes, it is a gift!! You are loved and respected!
I thank God for you!💞 K
Dear Ann
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I especially like your words about receiving the gift of strength. Reading this has really helped me gain some meaning around the loss of my beloved partner. He has given me this gift too and it is something that I can find meaning, purpose and joy in sharing it. Thank you xo
I am blessed to know this amazing woman who gives selflessly to so many. I am amazed how much compassion she can give after the death of a child. I recently attended a grief yoga class taught by Ann and learned so much more than yoga poses. This came at a much needed time in my journey of grief. Her soft, sincere voice is so calming to me.
Thankyou for sharing this great blog with us. I lost my 20 year old son Mick on 10th November 2015 to suicide. I have found that I have taken a more positive approach to everything in my life knowing that Mick is always with me. I had 3 great events happen this year. I celebrated my 50th birthday in April, my daughter bought my grandson into the world in June and have celebrated being 5 years clear of breast cancer in August. My life is good. Mick left a lasting impression on everyone he met. In my work I meet many people who are depressed due mostly to unemployment. I share my positive attitude with them and the fact that I have been where they are now. People have told me that my story has changed their attitude somewhat to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. One 20 something guy (Terence) saw me and shared with me that he had attempted suicide and was stopped by his mother. I shared my story with him about my Mick Next time I saw Terence he told me that he had decided life was worth living and started to express himself through his music. He thanked me for sharing my story about Mick. My job in employment services is very rewarding.
Life is still challenging at times and can be like a rollercoaster but I have so much to live for and if I only save one Mum from suffering the worst experience ever I know that Mick has left his mark. Love to all the parents who have lost children to suicide.