Suicide isn’t just about the loss of life. It’s about the loss of self that we as survivors experience after our loved one takes their life. New and powerful internal messages begin as we ask, “Why was I not good enough to live for?” This week we welcome Brandy, who discusses the shame and guilt she experienced after the loss of her mother to suicide.
On July 12, 1991, as a ten-year-old little girl, I walked into my home to find my mom’s lifeless body lay on the floor. The note she wrote me before taking her own life read, ‘goodbye and good luck.’ On that hot summer day in Phoenix, I lost much more than my mom. I lost my sense of value and worth. It wasn’t until recently I regained what was taken from me twenty-five years ago!
Most people impacted by a suicide express intense feelings of guilt for not preventing their loved one’s death. ‘I should have known’ and ‘I should have saved them’ haunt survivors of suicide loss for years, even decades. I never experienced any feelings of guilt over my mom’s suicide. It was quite clear that day she was determined to end her life and I recognized I could have done nothing to prevent it as I was only a child. Instead, the pendulum swung to the other side of the guilt continuum and grabbed hold of me from day one. Shame snatched me with its tentacles vowing to never let go. If guilt says I didn’t do enough to save her, shame says I wasn’t enough for her to stay. And there I was, at ten years old, fully believing I wasn’t enough for my own mom to choose life.
There were these tapes that continued to play in my head, on repeat, with messages I could not refute. ‘I have no value or my mom would not have chosen death’ and ‘I am not worthy of being protected if my own mom intentionally planned for me to find her dead body.’ These were just a couple of the messages I believed as truth. I also owned I am worthless, I am not loveable, and I am a freak. Edwin Schneidman said, “I believe the person who commits suicide puts his psychological skeleton in the survivor’s emotional closet.’ For all that my mother was trying to escape mentally and physically, it was like she wrapped it all up in a dirty little box and handed it to me to open and sort through for decades to come.
These messages I heard were not just audio clips played here and there in my mind. They were much bigger than that! They were my truth. I believed them, I accepted them, I repeated them, and I lived them. I responded to relationships from a place of self-hate and doubt. I went through life feeling less than, insecure, and second-class. They became my mirror for which I saw myself. I was shame!
Last summer, twenty-four years after my mom’s suicide, I had a conversation with a woman that changed the trajectory of my life. Her husband had taken his life several years earlier and her adult son had articulated, “I must have no value if my own dad killed himself and didn’t want to stick around for me.” Something clicked in my head right then and there when I heard his familiar message of shame and self-hate. I knew the lie he was believing was not true and in that instant I said to myself, my mother’s suicide speaks nothing to my value or worth, it only speaks to her own mental state. Like a gift dropped down from heaven, my mirror was shattered and I saw her suicide for what it was: her decision to end her own life, not a litmus test to determine the value of mine.
I walked a little lighter in the days that followed that life-changing epiphany. I believed I could take on the world with my new found courage and strength! But then, two weeks later, I found shame sneaking into my being once again. This time the tape was a bit different but the message was the same. I am not enough. I then began to notice I was shaming myself for shaming myself. It was this pattern I had set up for decades and I had been unaware of it until that fateful conversation with a fellow suicide loss survivor.
Shame, I have learned, is cunning and deceitful. We experience shame from the depths of our being and we accept it as truth. The problem is that those lies are neither true nor healthy. Instead, they are destructive and have the ability to wreck lives. I have to wonder if my mom carried some shame as well, telling her she had no value or worth and we would all be better off without her.
I have vowed to catch myself when I notice shame trying to enter into my head and heart. I want to kick those messages to the curb with the other worthless garbage I don’t need. I learned something valuable last summer: my mom took her own life but she didn’t take mine. I have to daily choose to dismiss those lies of shame and replace them with truth. I am loveable. I know this because I am a wife and a mother and a good friend to others. I am valuable because I now walk beside others impacted by suicide and help dismiss those lies of guilt and shame they also carry.
Today, I am not always shame-free, but I am determined to work toward it for myself and vow to speak truth into my kid’s hearts and minds. They will not grow up hating themselves if I have anything to say about it! They will know they are valuable and worthy and loved! A message I wish I believed twenty-five years ago!
This piece was originally written for The Gift of Second, another great site for those who have been touched by suicide. Brandy Lidbeck is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Northern California and the creator of The Gift of Second.
Lately I have been hearing the same words. “Was I not loving enough his wife that he would choose to live for me? Was I not worth fighting for, hence choosing to stay here?” 26 years together, devoted to each other, and all was good. So, I thought. I too have to push those thoughts out of my head and continue to move forward. It’s only been 11 months since his death. He was out of his mind at the time as he had spent 4 days on an alcohol drinking binge. I know this and I remind myself of this each day. But, I must admit…those thoughts do try to creep in making me feel shame and failure. Thank you for sharing and letting we survivors know that we are not alone.
I am so sorry for your loss, Rosemarie. It is something that we need to remind ourselves of. They were definitely not in a great or ‘typical’ place if suicide was their best option! I just have to remind myself all the time, “My mom’s choice to die says nothing about my value!”
This is a great message. Shame has not haunted me after my brother’s suicide (15 months ago at the age of 50), but it has been a part of my life since my very young years when my parents divorced and my mom “left us.” Such a great reminder about self-talk and the importance of not believing the lies that the enemy of our souls wants to drive home.
Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you so much for this – it really speaks to me and comforts me. I hope when my son is ready, it will comfort him too.
This really hit home. Thank you for sharing. I think the feelings of “not being enough” are some of the hardest to deal with. I like your mindset that two lives did not end that day. We have value, worth, and purpose and must keep reminding ourselves of this. I know my brother would not want that for me, but it is easier said than done!
What wonderful message. Thanks for sharing.
I lost my dad to suicide two years ago after he suffered with depression. What an emotional journey it has been it is unreal and the stages we go through….. Even when you think you have moved on or accepted it your unconscious mind reminds you that you have not yet healed. It really is the worse thing to go through because your mind your body reacts to the consequences.
I send my love and blessing to everyone who has been affected by this because you are a hero. You are a true hero to pick yourself up and keep going.
Best
Cynthia x
It’s becoming so hard because I have never been able to grieve..I soon became pregnant after his suicide and also live across country from my family and have to work full time!! My husband is not supportive and now our son is 4 years old!! I named him after my father, Avery..I fell like I am suffocating and am a robot with the daily chores of life, working and being a mother ..I find myself angry and yelling a lot and no patience..I need someone to understand me
I’m so sorry about your mom. I lost mine only 2 months ago. It helps to me to remember things aren’t always what they seem. I know that from the outside, it looks to us like we weren’t “enough” and to use words like my loved one “chose” death. I don’t think suicide is usually (if ever) a choice. I think suicide is a tragic result of a brain malfunction. There is A LOT about the brain that we don’t understand. I would discourage everyone going through this from trying to explain irrational behavior using rational thought. It’s unfair to ourselves and the people we lost.
Need help!!!
Hi Andra. I am so sorry to hear life is such a struggle right now. I think we have all been there as well. Have you checked out AFSP.org? They have a list of all the support groups in the US (and international, too) where you can find a group of other survivors in your area who are super supportive and can walk beside you in this time.
Check them out. I know they have helped so many!
My father committed suicide in 2011!! I need someone to be able to talk to about my grief!! I’m all alone..Em me at andrabordeauxperry@yahoo.com
My neighbor,almost 60 yrs old committed suicide a week ago. He and his wife raised 5 kids from 14-24, and they lived in a tiny home. He had some health problems , and worked as a mechanic out of the home, so she went to school with 5 kids, got her degree and is a nurse. A good wife, a good Mother. Truthfully, he was a narcissist! She and he met when she was 16 and he 26, she got pregnant and they married. She was All he wanted. A week ago she decided to leave, told him,many said The 3 kids, still at home could stay at the house with him. She was walking to her car to leave, he Shot himself, our neighborhood is in shock. Dam him, leaving her with a mortgage she cannot afford, vehicles and trucks he collected (old) and an old boat an RV she now has to deal with. no life insurance. My God, it is the epitome of Selfishness!