While I believe that the Stages of Grief are outdated, and often do not apply to a violent loss like suicide, I love this quote from Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. It sums up life after a great loss, and challenges you to think about loss differently. Grief does not have an end date, nor should it. How can
someone just wake up one day, and no longer miss the person that they lost? It isn’t realistic. As a society we believe that people should “get over it.” How many times have I heard this phrase mentioned as it pertained to a loss. It isn’t about getting over the loss, it is about learning to live without the person you lost. Asking someone to “get over” the person they lost, is like asking someone to no longer love the person that they lost. It isn’t fair, and it isn’t realistic. What we can do is learn to live again. We can find ways to incorporate our loved ones memory into the present. Moving forward isn’t the same as letting go.
Thank you. I lost my son, a US Marine, to combat related PTSD and depression a year ago, September 12th.
I will never “get over it” or stop trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. I will not “let it go”.
Some answers will never be found. I know this. But whatever answers are out there; I will find them.
Patience has never been my virtue. I am learning how to be patient and mindful of God’s revelations to me. Little by little, as I am able to handle it, He is putting people in my life that are helping to bring the big picture together.
Even when all that can be known to me is known; I will never be “over it.”
He was my child, my son, my pride and joy…my best friend. I watched him unravel in front of my eyes and couldn’t help him. You never “get over” or “let that go”.
Especially if you are the one that found him, tried to save him and couldn’t…..before or after.
You do move through the mourning and the sorrow, but it is always there just under the surface ready to spill out at a sight or sound; smell or random memory…good or bad. There are happy tears, too. And happy timrs, but I will never be the same again.
I’ve heard it said that when you lose a parent, you have lost the past. When you lose a child, you have lost a future. Add suicide to that equation. Add seeing and failing to stop the tragedy, finding them and failing to save them once again and you try to “let it go and get over it”.
Everyone has a story. This is a part of mine. I try to help others through my loss, but subjects such as this really aggravate me. I wish what I have been through on no one.
I only ask that if you have never been through this and don’t know what to say; just be quiet.
As a grief therapist I have learned that our loss becomes a part of our story. To expect to return to the person we were prior to the loss is just not feasible. What makes the mourning process even more difficult is establishing who we are without the person we lost. You are correct in everything you say in regards to losing a child. Being a parent becomes our primary role and when it is taken away its like we no longer know who we are. It is a journey and one that takes time. None of us will ever “get over” the person we lost. We are so sorry that you too have experienced this type of loss.
I’ve just read the Time article to get a saummry of the author’s thinking. As a clergyperson for almost 30 years, I’ve seen a number of people live through loss and grief in a variety of ways, and have done so myself. I have found that people often experience the feelings that Kubler-Ross’s identified (as well as others), but it is been clear to me for many years that we do not expereince those feelings in systematic stages, but rather in unpredictable roller-coaster fashion not unlike the oscillating graph shown on this site. My own (admittedly anectodatal) take on grief is that the plethora of intense feelings we typically have for some period of time are the psyche’s way of honoring the importance to us of the person (or job or marriage or ) that have been lost. Once we have done that to the degree each needs, we are ready to move on in our lives. What I continue to observe is that while the varieties of approaches to grief process described and debunked in the Time article are widespread in the culture, it is also the case that in practical terms our culture often leaves little space and time for grieving. People are routinely expected to be able to return to normal functioing, especially in the work world, within a week or two of a major loss as if nothing significant had happened. There seems to be a disconnect between the possibly over-developed psychological approach to the inner work of grief and an under-developed acknowledgement in the public world of the functional challenges that people in the early, intense time of grieving often face.
I lost my father to suicide in 2004. The trauma of finding him will never leave me. Not a day goes by that I am not in that room. That moment is imprinted in my memory and will be with me forever. I still remember who told me to “get over it” 2 weeks later. But I have learned to “forgive” everyone for comments like that. I forgive my father. My life changed in an instant and I’m still dealing with so many issues but I have great kids and friends and a great support network. Getting the right help early is imperative. Every few years I need to go back to my Doc and just sit and cry and share moments that can’t be shared with everyone. What I finally know 12 years later is that in 12 years from now not a day will go by that I am not in that room. And somehow…that’s okay. I just always encourage everyone to get help and get help early.
Beautifully stated! Just because other people expect us to “get over it”, doesn’t mean we have to expect the same for ourselves. And I agree….getting help is the best thing you can do for yourself. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I am in total agreement with everyone’s comments here. The phrase ” Get Over it” and “Let it Go” are intense triggers for me. I have lost 5 very close people to suicide most dear friends, and my cousin who’s suicide a few years ago still is one I have yet to deal with and that is ok. I am a survivor of childhood abuse and yes it leaves you forever changed just as suicide loss the number of times I have heard said to me, ” Get over it, let it go” I’d be rich if I bet a buck every time it was said. Like a few have said before me I used to get so upset enraged even screaming ” Don’t you get it he’s gone dead and he did it I can’t just let it go or get over it”
It took me years of healing learning to be patient and just like you Donna patience is not my strong suit, but I get better each day I have learned there is no right or wrong way to grieve there is no set time limit, not accepted protocol, no just an individual’s unique process which to the outside world may seem odd or even wrong but it is perfect for that person.
As I was getting my graduate degree in Trauma Recovery I learned this valuable thing I daily cling to some days more than others and it rings true. ” You never have to explain, justify, excuse, or validate your emotions, actions, thoughts or tears to any person including to yourself. It just is.”
Thank you Jessica for another incredible article which sparks more honest communication as we all find our own unique path adjusting and learning to live in this new normal.
All of you are in my thoughts & prayers. GOD Bless you.
In Love & Gratitude,
Kimberle
ABSOLUTELY!!!! Thank you for this post. I agree with you 100% and also love the quote. Not too long after my youngest son ended his life by a self-inflicted gunshot wound, my brother said to me: “now you need to get over this. You still have your other son.” You don’t need me to tell you how that felt. I will ALWAYS love and miss my son. I will ALWAYS wonder what happened. I will ALWAYS grieve that loss in my own ways. But you are right, you do learn to deal with it and to go forward. But we NEVER get over it. We are just changed. Hoping that this post gets passed along to many, many others.
How strange it may sound, I am forever grateful for everything my sweet mom gave me, both through her life and through her death. She gave me an opportunity to remind myself of who I really am and have been all along, pure Love! I love her so much, my chest sometimes aches but my soul is always uplifted.
This does not sound strange at all! I feel the EXACT same way. While I wish my dad was still here, his death taught me so much about life and more importantly myself. Because of his death, I am living life more true to myself. I have a better understanding of who I am and what I want it life. I love that you feel the same way!
I couldn’t finish that quote without a stream of tears. Everyday I wake up, look at the mirror and wondering who looks back at me. It’s not me. Not the one I know. I ask,cry,yell at the sky if I will ever be able to stand on my 2 feet again. Be able to be around groups of people.social events. I could go on. It’s been 9 months and 12 days since I lost my brother. Still, I’m not able to stand. By far the hardest thing to go thru no doubt. 9 months 12 days feeling no hope and feeling alone. This quote and reading your comments has given me a sliver of hope. Something I never thought I would see again. Thank you! Even though i am an emotion wreck even typing this behind the tears is a slight smile I never thought would come out. I would love to share my story, and when I’m ready to except my brother is not “moved to Florida for work” I will. But I’ll keep living this fairy tale for it keeps me sane. I really can’t express how calming it is to see I’m not the only one! I feel sometimes people look at me and think “omg she’s still not over it it’s been oh most a year” no, no I haven’t got over it. I haven’t even excepted it but thanks for your judgments.
You can and will move forward…when you are ready. It took me 10 months to attend my first group for survivors of a suicide loss. For 10 months, I felt exactly how you are describing. I came to a point where it was either live like this, or do something to move forward. I started individual counseling, and joined a group. These were the best decisions I ever made. It helped me rediscover who I was without my dad. It helped me learn to live life again. It is a long journey, but one that can lead to happiness again.
Thank you! I’m not ready to except and can’t think about with without breaking down let alone say it out loud. I just crave a sense of normalcy. Everyday is a new fight. Everyday there is a new hill to clime and a new mountain to move. Time doesn’t heal, that’s for certain. But one day I’ll find a little slice of myself and grow. Hopefully. My world is colorless. I’m not ready for this “New normal” Thank you for replying.
Thank you! Great Article. Really hit home.