As a survivor of a suicide loss I know the isolating feeling that accompanies the loss. People don’t know what to say, so often times they don’t say anything at all. Translation to the person who just lost someone to suicide: “I don’t care.” “Are they judging me or the person I lost?” “I am all alone.” “Nobody will understand so why should I even talk about it.” These beliefs often lead to isolation, and I will tell you one thing we actually know for certain about grief; we do NOT grieve well alone. In an effort to educate those who have not lost somebody to suicide, I reached out to our community to find out what has helped or would have helped those who have lost a loved one to suicide. It is my hope that this post will be shared in an effort to educate our society on what we really need after the devastating loss of a suicide.
How to Help After a Suicide Loss:
“Bring food, just come over to sit or watch a comedy or family oriented movie, don’t remind me of guns, listen to my stories of him, encourage me to share those thoughts, don’t try to stop me from crying just support me if I do cry, it gets extremely lonely so a friendly text message/email/instant message every couple of days lets me know you still care, don’t avoid me, don’t avoid talking about his suicide, don’t judge anything – suicide, him, my grief, the way I’m grieving, know that I lost the love of my life and I still can’t fully comprehend it so I may not have the answers you want, know I am vulnerable, know I am emotionally raw, don’t take it personally if I snap at you or need to lie down, offer to do my yard work, offer to cook meals, offer to take a walk with me, bring me a treat or a non-caffeinated drink, know that a smile & laughter doesn’t mean “I’m over it” it’s just my way of shielding you from my internal pain. Just be a friend. Just show you care.”
“I have a couple of friends who periodically go out to coffee with me and we talk for a good hour or more, not just about my son but he always comes up and they don’t shy away from hearing about him or my feelings about losing him. That is SO valuable. Say his name! I love to hear it. I also appreciate people who don’t shy away from my grief or minimize it. One of the best things someone did for me at a grocery store… I hadn’t seen her in the several months since my son died. She didn’t avoid me. She looked right at me, and said, “I heard about your son and I want you to know I think this just sucks,” and gave me a big hug. Just something that direct and simple, I will never forget it.”
“Just check-in and keep checking in – aim to be annoying, show up – even if not invited, and don’t expect me to be over it. Don’t ask what you can do, just do it – because sometimes people have a hard time asking for what they need, and honestly, with so much going on, sometimes we have no idea what we need.”
“Listen, listen, LISTEN. And don’t forget about us down the road……6,9,12 months down the road, we still need you there. Not to dwell on things, but remember.”
“I couldn’t have made it without a friend who accepted me as broken as I was without pressure to move on or stop talking about the pain and grief. It’s been three years and she still listens when I need to share and never gives me advice or says she understands. Just listens and helps me to feel all the layers this act causes and work through the pain and guilt. She didn’t expect me to be who I was before and loved the new me, even though I know at times I wasn’t the easiest person to love. She was truly unconditional. A rare gem in any person.”
“I found many were there in the beginning. Yet, as time faded so did some of their concerns. I can’t speak for all as the ones that will always be in my heart would send a text or just simply listen with no rush. At one point, I found I had to ultimately go to God and Griefshare class. As with all grief, it doesn’t truly fade. With that, I appreciate those that just want to hear me on the rough days. What you should not do is say you understand, unless you have walked the path. As well as, pretending or ignoring the depth of what happened.”
“Balloon release with little messages on the balloons at the beach with a small ceremony. Sometimes releasing a balloon or 2 at a certain spot me and my best friend loved to spend time at helps me with my grief”
“Share memories and photos, they are priceless.”
“The things I wish I had since losing my husband to suicide was mostly LET ME TALK ABOUT IT, ABOUT HIM, MY MEMORIES, THE STORY OF WHAT HAPPENED. I see people, and I want to reminisce, I want to bring him up, I want to hear your memories of him, it’s like I want to soak it up. Every little memory helps me, good, bad, I just want to talk and hear about him. Nobody talks about it or maybe they feel weird talking about it to me, but I WANT to. I feel like a chunk of my life just cut off when he died because those people just faded away so quickly and moved on and I’ve never gotten to verbally scream, cry, kick, yell, whatever to anyone.”
“Just let me talk with NO opinions or advice… Honestly, priceless!”
“Just say something, to say nothing is worse than saying the wrong thing and guess what we are not contagious.”
That is one of the best explanations I have read about some of the feelings survivors have. Awesome job. I plan to share it outside of this forum to promote understanding with those not in our shoes. Thank you.
Please do share!
Written with 110% accuracy… Sharing in my timeline as well👏
My husband of 23 years was successful at suicide 06/25/16. I am heartbroken. The friends have stopped calling and I am feeling quite alone.
I am sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers.
This is wonderful – it really ‘gets it!’ Thank you!!!
PLEASE – no balloon releases though – it is awful for wildlife!!!!!!
This. 🙂 It’s been 7 no 8 years almost since my son completed suicide and what I’m starting to miss the most is people talking about him. I want to hear their stories over and over. It still feels like yesterday.
I agree. My daughter died at the age of Two. People acted like she never existed. Now my husband of 36 years committed suicide on June 4 2016.The pain and grief is unbearable.
I cannot imagine. You are in my thoughts & prayers. I pray there is a support group in your area. Please allow yourself to grieve. God bless you.
This says exactly how I feel. I thought I was going crazy or something. So Thank you for writing this
Great Read! It will be 5 yrs Next Month My Husband commit Sucide ! It’s been a Rocky Road , for my family! I life goes on but it’s so hard for me. Know one understands ! God bless!
Awesome read Jessica, as someone who has survived the loss of five incredible people to suicide the experience & shared coping skills are spot on! I do balloon releases each year in remembrance & celebration of those I lost and every year as I watch the balloons rise and float away I feel another part of my broken heart heal.
Thanks Jessica
This is an AWESOME post. This is so true and to the point. It has been almost 9 months since I lost my 20 year old son to suicide and you soon realise who your true friends are. A BIG thsnkyou.
Hello everyone. I lost my brother well it’s been over thirty years now. I was only a kid. He was at my cousins for her birthday and never came home. He was a drug addict. But he was still my brother regardless. He was a good person. He was kind and would help anyone who needed. We are Baptist so that put a split in our family cause of the drugs. It’s all a long story. Let’s just say to many preachers in the family. He was like a better friend to me. When we were still in Louisville. I followed him around like a puppy. All his friends called me his twin shadow. Even though we were only half brother and sister. I named my oldest son after him. Now my son is having a boy soon and he’s going to continue by doing the same. Well I sure do thank you for listening to my ramble.
I am one of those quoted here and I just want to say Thank You so Much for publishing it. I hope it helps many.
My daughter Jade completed suicide at the age of 18. She passed away on April 27,2015. She was my only child. I have been lost without her. I felt like I was totally alone. My friends and family always checked on, called me,asked how I was. Now……its tapering off..naturally I knew this was going to happen. I just want to hear her name,hear stories. I LOVED this article ,and really would like to write in as well. Thankyou so much.
Thank you so much for sharing Jessica. This post is so true. I unfortunately do understand as I lost my husband to sucide on Aug. 21 2015. There are times I feel all alone.
I lost my mom in 2002 at the age of 12 and then my father in 2014, both to suicide. There’s a couple of friends that put there lives on hold, and stood by my side to make sure my two little girls and I were not all alone. They made sure I got out of bed and did what was needed despite my uncontrollable moodswings and constant memory loss. They helped with the packing and moving and maintenance of the house. Plus made sure my litle girls were taken care of, both mentality and physically, while I just couldn’t seem to tell the difference between day and night or left from right.. Without them I honestly don’t know how I would have survived those unbelievably dark days at the beginning of the end of my father’s life. Ive learned the hard way, true friends are hard to find. An for them to put there lives on hold to make sure I didn’t go through this alone, I’ll forever be grateful.
My closest friend died by suicide. We talked sometimes 3-4 x a day. We told each other everything. Well at least I thought we did. She did not tell me this. I had no idea she was so depressed. She was in her 60’s and had lost hope.
I knew she was hurting, grieving the loss of her husband after years of cancer treatments, she was let go from her job, losing her home to foreclosure, just so many heart aches. I saw her as a hero that was constantly rising above difficult situations. She always was quick to smile, comfort others, tell funny stories, she worked two jobs, she was the kindest person I have ever met. Then one day she took her life. I was so shocked when her son called to tell me. I could not stop screaming no, no, please tell me she is ok that this is not true. It felt as though I was listening to someone else screaming and trying to bargain. The pain had only begun with the news of her death. People around me said such judgemental words in regards to the way she died. I found myself stuck in defending her, asking people not to explain to me that she may not be in heaven, as though they could process and make the decision. I only wanted to hear comforting words and stories of her kind heart. Instead people would say she was only a friend, it wasnt as though she is family. She was my closest friend, the female friend I loved dearly.
I miss her every moment of everyday.
My husband, “the love of my life,” killed himself in April 2016. He left behind a simple text message on his phone that said, “this is your fault.”
He had 180 IQ and apparently had several serious mental problems.
People tell me again and again that I just need to get over it, because of his cruel final message but the fact remains, I loved him and still do. He wrote me love letters every night.
I fear I may go insane. Friends disappear quietly and we’re left to sort through the mess alone.
People also say, throw yourself into something new!
Right now, I am in basic survival mode. And it’s not going well.
Hi Rosemary.
My prayers are with you. Sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my 20 year old son to suicide in November 2015. I know how difficult it can be to just keep living. Everyday is different. I hope that you have a support network around you. Remember to breath and just think of one positive thing your husband did every day.