We talk a lot about reaching a stage of acceptance after the loss of a loved one to suicide. Today, guest blogger Rosemarie shares her perspective on acceptance fairly early in her grief journey, following the death of her husband in September 2015.
In Rosemarie’s words…
Acceptance is simply a choice. It’s something we choose to do in order to move forward. There are many challenging things that happen to us in our lives and we either choose to accept that it happened to us and move on or bury ourselves in suffering, denial and grief, thereby becoming dead to the world emotionally.
I do accept the choice that my husband made ending his life so soon. I do accept that it wasn’t my fault and that I had no control over the choices he made. I do accept that life as I knew it on September 21st ended with broken dreams and hopes. I do accept that I now have to move on and live a life without him. I accept the life I have and choose to move forward with all of the challenging paths it will bring with it. Sad times lie ahead, I’m sure, but so do happy and fun times. Whatever may come, I will accept it with open arms.
God has taken me down many windy roads in my life. I wouldn’t change anything if I had to do it all over again. The memories I have will be cherished forever. The lessons I have learned have given me an abundance of wisdom. I will take these memories and lessons with me as I move forward so that I can help others along the way.
Acceptance is also a stage of grief. We come to accept the pain and suffering we feel after we go through the shock, disbelief, and sense of loss. I remember talking with a doctor and telling her what happened to me when suddenly I realized, “Wow! That happened to me? I’m talking about me. That’s pretty devastating. And I’m still here?” It was like I was walking around living someone else’s life until that point in a zombie state of mind. It was at that point that I realized, I hadn’t yet accepted this tragedy. It was also at that point that I realized I needed help.
I need my brothers and sister, I need my children, my parents, my friends, my faith, and the help of my counselor friend. I needed all of them to help me accept this tragedy and move on. We need loving people in our lives and they need us. It has always been my belief that God speaks to us through others and uses us to speak to others that need our help. treasure the love of my family and friends.
Now, just because I accept this tragic loss doesn’t mean I won’t feel pain and sadness. I
will have days when I miss my husband terribly, when I long for his touch and embrace. I will have days when I regret having to face such a difficult challenge. Does it mean I don’t accept my fate and God’s will? Not at all. Just because I accept what happened doesn’t mean I have to like it. I will still have sad days, and painful days. I will accept those days as they come and still choose to move forward.
I will accept the way I feel today, whether it’s sad or happy. I will know that it’s all just a part of emotions. Emotions can be turned off and on depending upon the moment and thought. Learning to go with the flow is also part of acceptance. You can accept who you are, accept the way you feel, and accept that tomorrow is a new day with new thoughts and new experiences. Acceptance is letting go of control. Acceptance is the ability to let life happen.
About the Author
Rosemarie is a 59-year-old survivor of suicide who lost her husband of 26 years September 21, 2015. She struggles through the grief of her loss by writing about her experiences at http://breakingthroughtragedy.blogspot.com/. With very little support out there for survivors of suicide, she feels the need to share with others to bring about hope and comfort.
Thank you for sharing your story Rosemarie it has helped me. I lost my husband to sucide
on Aug.21,2015. Everyday is a struggle.
I am so sorry for your loss, Janet. Yes, every day is a struggle. Just breathing can be a struggle some days. Taking one day at a time has helped me a great deal. I try not to put expectations on myself as far as grief goes. I do what I can, when I can and try to go with the flow. None of us want to be without our loved ones. It’s very hard. We miss them terribly. Sometimes I get through the day by telling myself, “Just Breathe.”
I am very sorry for you loss and your pain. I appreciate your willingness to share your thought on acceptance. You are a survivor. I hope you continue to blog. God Bless You!
Thank you Ann. <3
Your are one amazing & inspirational women. Your blogs will help many. God bless you Rosemarie.
Thank you, Monica. That means a lot.
Rosemarie,
I admire your thought process and your ability to decide for yourself when “acceptance” has been met. I hope to get to that point one day. I do not see that in my future anytime soon. I try! Boy, do I try! It has been 3 months since my boyfriend committed suicide, and the pain is as deep as the day I found out, maybe even deeper at times it seems. I have good days, and then the bad days are almost unbearable. I have been reading a lot about being a suicide survivor since the event and I am so glad there are people out there that I can relate to, that have experienced the same thing, that the words they write are exactly the way my heart is feeling. Today just happens to be a bad day, a song on the radio, a gas station that we were once at, a couple looking at shoes at the store, so many things trigger my emotions to go off the scale, it’s the little things that send my heart into jumping out of my chest in pain, and sorrow, the kind of hurt that I have never experienced before and am not quite sure how to handle it or control it. My life seems so empty and lonely and right now I cant envision my future without him. Please do not take that last sentence as a threat to harm myself, I only mean I don’t know what my future life will entail. I cant seem to get pass this stage (whatever it may be) I am in. Time? I hear that a lot. It will take time, It will take time, I’m afraid of time I think. I don’t want him to become a memory of what once was, however, I am a realist and I know I can not continue this path of pain and sorrow and deep sadness, but unfortunately, who I once was, I am no longer. I can not turn it off and on, either do it or don’t. Again I try!, I do try!
I feel as though I am at the end of my rope at times. I have pushed all of my friends away, my job of 20 years is at risk-to say the least, my family is in another state and I feel so alone with no way to out source my feelings. I have brought this on myself, I know.
I’m guessing acceptance is not a stage I have reached yet.
I am so sorry Renee. I find that it all comes in waves. Like you say, a trip to the store, watching another couple walk by, a song on the radio. I remember one day, our favorite song came on the radio. As I drove alone, I began to cry and the crying became stronger and stronger until I could barely drive any longer. I had reached a point of emptiness during that crying episode and believe I could actually feel the emptiness my husband might have felt before he took his own life. If I didn’t know that my life mattered to so many others, who’s to say I’d even be here today. I feel your pain and we’ve all been there. I still have days like that. You are not alone. It used to be that I’d have 3 or 4 good days and then 2 bad days. Now I can enjoy maybe two weeks of strong, good days, and a few days of sorrow in a row. You shared a relationship with your boyfriend and have memories that will last a lifetime because of it. Cry when you must, get angry when you need to, but think of him and the time you shared and try to smile. Your love for him will see you through the future…one day at a time. Love and peace to you!
I lost my daughter to suicide last November. She was just two months from her 18th birthday. The last two months have been difficult; friends and neighbours have children graduating from high school. Katrina was a very good student and we looked forward to celebrating her accomplishments. I have a few good days with some tears, then a couple with a lot of pain, tears and overall sadness. God is good. We have received so much prayer support and kind words. I do not now who I am, what value I have, and what am I suppose to do with my life. I am 60 years old, but I had dreams. Had. I’ve read books, gone to Grief Share reached out to the community, and I am now seeing a counsellor I hope the pain will subside someday. Your post brought me hope. I want to thank you for sharing it..
You are so very welcome, Jo. I’m glad it helped. Much Love & Comfort!
Hey Rosemary,
beautifully said. I lost my son (almost 18) to suicide. The poor kiddo was chronically ill (Epilepsy), I am, 11 months later, now at the point to kinda get it. I mean, I can’t say to him “Oh, you are chronically ill but have to live with it happily for your mama”. I have to accept that he just didn’t want to go through this for the rest of his life, I think 12 years of aggressive treatment are reason enough. I am heart-broken and very said, but I accept that too. It is what it is. He was a smart kid, he loved to travel, he lived in Europe with us, seen the entire east coast of the US. We traveled to Belgium, France, Austria etc. He spent many great years with us and blessed us with some many surprises we thought impossible. He deserves my respect and unconditional love, no matter what he does. I still cry every day, I miss him so much, but it’s not as bad as it used to be. Simply because I get it and I love him just the way he is.
Thank you so much for this article.
((hugs)) and much love to you.
Thanks, Diana. Much love and hugs to you.