I like to think about grief in phases, instead of stages. To me, the first stage is when we are focused on the suicide itself. How did this happen? 
Why did this happen? Each day you awake to the reality of the situation; your loved one is gone, and they are not going to come back. It is a difficult time as you search for answers, search for meaning, and search for the ability to acknowledge the reality of the situation. Then comes phase two. Phase two is when the reality sets in, and we are left trying to figure out who we are without the person we lost. Equally painful, as we acknowledge that our loved one and the life we had together has now become a memory. Grief is a journey. Grief after a suicide is not only a journey but an exploration of identity. Embrace the journey. Embrace the exploration. Suicide does not define you; it just becomes a piece of your story.
Beautifully said. When the reality of our loss fully set in, it did feel like my identity was lost. It took time to move from feeling at once both defined by suicide and without a real identity because of it (I’m a survivor of suicide, but am I still a MOM?) to feeling that I am my own person, with a unique purpose, even if that purpose is unfolding day by day.
There is hope and meaning. There is a point where we feel once more a part of the world, where we feel alive in it and connected to it. The journey never ends, but it does change.
I did not accept the death of my best friend and brother as being real at first. I was so terrified to go to his families house and help sort out his things. But it pushed me from one phase of grief and into another. His death was a shock to many but no surprise to me. I had the unfortuanate, fortune, of being his closest confidant. We talked about this often so it was not unusual subject matter for us. He told me how grateful he was to have such a good friend & true brother to talk to about it. He said no other friend or family member understood him like me. This kind of relationship carries an extra burden when someone acts on their impulses. One I would not wish for anyone to have to carry. He asked me if I’d forgive him if he killed himself, I said I would, and I do. I am very fortunate to have loved and been loved by another human being. So much. In this fast paced world of high tech gadgetry it’s nice to know some human emotions have not been scarred. My journey has just begun as he died this past Easter.
At first I wasn’t sure I’d make it either. Now I’m sure that I will. I am a better person for having had my brother in my life for 35 years. He said that he was as well. Some may not understand the depth of our friendship. They ask, ” if you knew why didn’t you get him help” ? The answer is simple, i loved him unconditionally & he asked me not to.
His health issues were persisting from childhood and he was tired of being pricked & Prodded. He was tired. Now he is at peace, at long last. I have no regrets, just wish he was still here as their is a void no one or nothing can fill.
Thanks Jessica. I am in that phase now and it’s scary. It’s also very painful. We spend our lives as wives and mothers raising children and doing our best to help others. We become so focused on others, we forget who we are. I spent 26 years with my husband and after the kids all left, we focused on each other. I’d planned another 20 years with my wonderful man and I lost him to suicide 8 months ago. Discovering who I am is my next phase. At age 59, it’s very hard to try to accept that our life is together is now but a memory. I pray that God guides me as I now try to embrace the exploration into who I am and continue my story.
My best friend left this world, 9/9/2015. I first needed to know by what means, perhaps that would help, although I had my suspicions on how. Once they were confirmed, it only brought more questions. For months, I went from why to anger, back and forth. She had my number, she knew she could call anytime, why didn’t she. I would cry and curse her and then apologize. Then in March, on the 6 month anniversary, I realized how incredibly lucky I was to have her in my life for 12 years. Furthermore, the fact she kept her pain from her loved ones, wow made me so sad. She was so unselfish that she kept that pain internally. I had such a new and different perspective. Sure, I am pretty certain I will go thru those stages of immense sadness and anger, but this is a journey and I have realized this is forever changed me as a person, a professional and my personal identity.
Thank you for this. My oldest son, Teddy, died by impulsive suicide when he was a 17 year old high school junior. He was my younger son Clay’s “alpha male,” big brother, best friend. We both miss Teddy deeply. New York Magazine did a cover story about our family’s story about a year after Teddy died. If you’re interested, here’s the link to the story, called “The Leap:” http://nymag.com/news/features/66285/ And here’s link to the cover image: http://nymag.com/nymag/toc/20100607/
Almost 10 months have passed since the suicide of my son. I can accept that reality, I just don’t know who I am now. It seems like I lost everything and now I am wandering around in this world without meaning or identity. I try every day to give it some meaning, some purpose. Looks very much like I too will just explore my own identity. I question everything and everybody. It’s a rocky road, quite scary too, but I guess it has to be explored, dealt with, re-organized, and lived.
((hugs)) and much love to all of you.
I lost my Dad almost 4 months ago. I feel very defined by his suicide- as though it’s tattooed on my forehead. Up until a few wks ago I couldn’t function even semi normally. I’m still so upset to think he chose this! I have read several books and browsed a few websites- only 1 book and this website have helped me to begin to come to terms, learn, and try to grow. Thank you for being so willing to put yourself out there to help people like me face the everyday life as a suicide survivor.
Amber, we are so sorry for your loss. We know how difficult the loss of a father is. Be kind to yourself and know that grief is a journey. We hope to help you feel less alone and more understood on your journey.