This week, we welcome guest blogger Heather who touches on the loneliness that can follow the loss of a sibling to suicide. In the wake of her grief, Heather has found new meaning in life and hopes to give back and help others.
More Meaning than a Piece of Paper
In October of this year I will start a PhD program…my second. Having declared this to be the case, a number of my nearest and dearest, having lived with the nightmare that was me during PhD Number One, have looked at me as though I have sprouted another head and asked, “but why?” The truth is, my forthcoming project is so much more than a doctorate. I care not one iota for the qualification; it is the topic that matters. And, this time it’s personal.
On December 15, 2011 my younger and only brother, Martin, took his own life at the age of 27. My life was turned inside out and upside down. The grief experience over the last four-and-half years has been volatile, scary, frustrating and perhaps above all lonely. As “the only one left,” I have not been able to share the sibling loss experience with someone on the same level, with the same degree of understanding. Yes, there are others who were and are affected by Martin’s passing, but none of them were his sibling, and that matters. I have come to realize that with different relationships, a suicide loss provokes hierarchies of grief to materialize. Within these orders siblings often get pushed down – they are not forgotten, but they do experience less understanding and appreciation of the nature of their loss, and there are vastly less support resources for them to draw on. I’m not saying sibling grief is more important; I’m saying that it’s different.
I reached a point where my grief was so bottled up that it began to physically push itself out through anger, frequent illness and, in the end, a bout of my own depression. I attended talking therapies and that started an unlocking process. I started writing about my experience and then I started reading everything I could find relating to sibling suicide-loss. I started to record the themes that kept cropping up; disenfranchised or unrecognized grief, feelings of responsibility towards parents, attitude and identity changes affecting everything in left-behind siblings’ future lives and relationships etc. And I realized that I wanted to get the sibling story on the record as a means to perhaps getting this area of grief just that much more recognition for its unique nature. I applied to my soon-to-be university and to a funding body with a project entitled “Brothers and Sisters: Exploring the Bereavement-by-Suicide Experiences of Adult Siblings.” I was successful.
After receiving notice of my scholarship award, and after feeling initial elation and pride, it was impossible to ignore a slight guilt that crept in. Being affected by suicide can have that effect, where all things good are nonetheless tainted on some level. I began to feel that I would be getting paid and doing work I wanted to, in effect, because my brother died. It is such irrational thoughts that plague many a person bereaved by suicide. I had a sickly feeling in the pit of my stomach tied to an inescapable sense that I would be benefiting from my brother’s pain and passing. It is so easy following a suicide loss to fall into self-berating and blame….
But rather than dwell and give in to such tempting thoughts, I utilized what I have learned about managing suicide bereavement, so far, to gently turn my mind to the more positive elements of this new life activity. First of all, I am happy that the sibling suicide-bereavement experience received enough recognition to warrant funding. Secondly, it has shown me that I have come a long way in the process, being able to talk openly and rationally about my loss, without dissolving into a puddle or becoming irate.
But lastly, though perhaps this should have come first because it is the most important thing, although it may sound a little weird, I have come to reimagine my relationship with my lost brother – I may not be able to make new memories with him, but we are still able to have a relationship and a newly characterized relationship at that. Martin was of astounding academic mind, and I know he would have approved of the research I’ve proposed. So even though he is not physically here, I am able to see myself as working in partnership with him, asking the questions I wouldn’t have asked had it not been for him and recording the answers that really could assist in widening the knowledge and understanding of the effects of losing a sibling to suicide, in the hope of helping others. In this, there is purpose and togetherness in something that can sometimes still seem so without reason. This is why this degree, this piece of paper, means so much more.
Heather Sutherland
Heather- your story resonated with me on several levels. I lost my husband and son to suicide and have just enrolled in a masters program with the intention of working toward better mental health education in schools; most especially elementary and middle. I know my daughter struggles with the loss of her younger brother still and just started an internship with a mental health advocacy non-profit group in DC. I know she would be interested in helping in your research if you like. She just graduated from college. Please contact me if you’d like to discuss further.
Hi Amanda. I’m so sorry to hear of your losses. I do find that my experience just changed the way I thought of my career and what I wanted to do in it. Hopefully your Masters will help you feel like you’re moving in a positive direction – good luck! Thank you for mentioning your daughter – at the moment my project is restricted to the UK, mainly due to the total lack of consideration given to siblings here, but I would be more than happy to be in contact if she’d like that anyway. Just let me know! Thank you for reading the post, and for your comments. Heather x
Wow! Your topic hits home. I’m 8 months out from my brother’s death. Going to talk to my counselor today about my feelings if loneliness. Friends don’t understand – think I should “be over it”, my brother’s immediate family are immersed in their grief, and my poor husband doesn’t know what to say anymore. I’m applied to a Master’s in counseling program, been taking a psychology class – just trying to understand how the mind works. Thank you for researching this topic. You may contact me if you need research participants.
Hi Ann. I’m so very sorry to learn of the loss of your brother. I think I was still in disbelief at around 8 months…such a hard time. Grief and mourning are so personal – I’m about 4.5 years on and still think about my brother every single day. The only important thing I found was to give myself a break and not put myself under pressure in grieving – I just listened to myself eventually, and that has helped. As has reading…a lot… there are quite a few books about sibling loss; have you tried any of them? I hope the MA classes are helping. Thank you for volunteering! At the moment, my project is restricted to the UK, but I would be happy to make contact anyway. Just get in touch! Thank you for reading and for your comment. Heather x
I am the Mother of a son who took his life. He left behind four brothers. I worry everyday for them. Males don’t want to talk about”it” and I feel they just suppress any emotions they might have. One son is a paramedic, another a lieutenant in the army, another a high school senior and the youngest in middle school. My son died three and a half years ago and he was in the middle. I wish you all the best as you embark on this emotional yet enlightening and rewarding journey.
So very sorry to learn of your loss. CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) is a UK based charity, but the website has a lot of stuff that might be a good read for you – it focuses specifically on men: https://www.thecalmzone.net/about-calm/what-is-calm/ I wish your sons all the best and hope that they will be able to support one another through their sibling loss. Thank you for reading and sending wishes – I send them back to you.
I too lost my only and younger brother to suicide 11 months ago. Thank you for writing this. I would be happy to participate in your research as well.
I’m so very sorry you lost your brother. I hope that the forthcoming anniversary will not be too painful for you to get through. Thank you for your offer – at the moment, the research is UK based but I would be happy to be in contact if you’d like to message anyway. Thank you for reading and commenting. Sending all best wishes, Heather x
THank you for acknowledging my reality. I lost my brother to suicide in 2011 as well. I have been fighting a deep loneliness. Thank you.
Thank you for reading and sending your comment. I’m so sorry you have had this experience too. I hope you will find some way of feeling less lonely – it is so not easy to do, and I don’t think it completely goes, but I do believe it can be managed and lessened. Sending much virtual support, Heather x
This really hit home for me. I too lost my only brother on April 23rd 2015… He was the only boy out of a family of 6 kids. For me, being the oldest and 13 years older than him, it hit me on 2 different levels. Firstly as his oldest sister, my best friend and one of the only men I could completely count on. Secondly as a 2nd mother. I was there for his first steps, words, etc… Lane suffered from PTSD as a result of 3 deployments while serving in the Navy. He didn’t speak of his pain at all. He moved to the same town as me after he got out of the Navy and we became closer plus I had one of my own with me. The day he took his life haunts me.. Its true though that others seem to forget about his sisters. We are left on the sidelines. Thankfully we have each other but we all deal with it differently. I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety and have been diagnosed with PTSD myself. I remember him as he truly was though, funny, protective, generous, and the uncle that couldn’t be in a room without his nieces and nephews drawn to him like a magnet. I miss him every day and still randomly fall to my knees and cry. I honestly know he would want all of us to carry on and be happy but when he left us he took so many pieces of All of us with him that it feels like I’ll never be a whole person again. I feel as though others look at me on the bad days as if I should be over it. Even my husband seems confused as to why I’m not back to myself. I don’t expect to ever be the old me. My life will always be divided into the before and after of his death….
I totally echo your last statement about the sense of there being a ‘before’ and ‘after’. Completely echoes my experience too. As does the idea of not been whole – I still have a sense of a black hole that becomes bigger or smaller at different times of the year in my stomach. I’m really sorry that you had the combination of the sibling AND parental grief experiences, which must have been so hard to go through. I hope that you are receiving the support you need as an individual. X
I lost my younger brother 2 years ago. We were raised in a single parent household and lost our mom 5 yrs ago, so when Ed died I felt as though I didn’t fit in anywhere. The loneliness has just been so intense at times and hard to explain to others. Thank you for your writing and what you are perusing.
I’m really very sorry to hear of your losses. I hope that you are managing to get support from somewhere to help you deal with it all. Thank you for reading and commenting. Heather x
Thanks so much for sharing your experience and story. I lost my brother in 2011 and my mother in 2002, both to suicide. I agree, losing a sibling has its own issues related to grieving. I am very open with others about our losses, hoping to bring understanding and awareness.
Thank you for reading the piece. I’m so very sorry that you have been touched more than once by suicide. Suicide bereavement is so different generally, and then within the experience there are even more differences dependent on the relationships held with the person who has gone. It’s great to hear that you also feel able to be open – people can label it brave, but I don’t think so. I just see it as so important to be honest. X
Hello Heather, I was very moved by your piece and I wish you all the very best in your work. I lost my sister to suicide and my brother to a brain disease, so have had to learn to be the last one left. It is very hard. For many years I read and read anything I could get my hands on around suicide and sibling bereavement: there is such a need to try and understand – sibling grief as well as suicide itself – and there is so little written about this. Talking cures helped me hugely, as did reaching out to other bereaved siblings through The Compassionate Friends and SoBS. I live in London and if I can do anything to help then please do get in touch.
Thank you for your well wishes. I’m so sorry for your multiple losses, which must be so hard to deal with. Reading definitely helps, and I completely agree that there is so little out there for siblings. We need more resources! I also agree that talking is a way forward, but there’s a problem there too – geography affects access. I have looked for charitable organisations, but there were no groups in my part of the UK – the first one just started up, run by Cruse and The Samaritans, but that is effectively 4.5 years too late for me! I would be happy to be in touch too. Heather X
I am pleased to learn of your plans to do research into suicide & the affect it has on siblings left behind. I have worked as a Mental Health Nurse off and on for 40 plus years but I still couldn’t save my 28 year old son. He suffered from Bi-polar, Type 2 & drug addiction. Tyler, the youngest of three boys, took his life December 7, 2015. It was a terrible blow to his much older brothers & will unfortunately have long lasting consequences. I
wish you much success in your endeavors.
I’m very sorry to learn of your loss. I hope both you and your other sons are in receipt of support. For me, I know it is something that will be with me throughout the rest of my life, but this need not be in a way that is always negative….there will be ups and downs, but as individuals I think us bereaved-by-suicide can learn to carry the weight much of the time, rather than always let it drag or weigh us down. Thank you for reading and for your well wishes. X
Sibling loss and the grief that follows is not well documented or understood, no matter the cause of death. Please don’t feel that I am minimizing the loss by suicide. That definitely is not my intention. I can’t completely understand your loss. However, I lost my younger brother – and only sibling – in 1988. He was a hemophiliac who died of AIDS because his medication was contaminated with HIV. He was 18. Trying to find someone who shared that experience at that particular time was virtually impossible. It took me 5 years to more or less function “normally” again. I didn’t know how to find help, other than counselors or bereavement groups. (No Google!) And they definitely didn’t understand. Good luck with your work. I hope it benefits many grieving siblings.
Thank you for reading and commenting. I couldn’t agree more that sibling loss and grief is lacking in documentation. I have found most sources to be memoirs…and whilst these are so helpful, it would be so wonderful if there was more recognition to be found that covers the sibling experience across the board. I am really sorry to hear of your loss and I hope that you’ve since found help and support. X
I would love to read your finished product. I’m sure your brother is indeed working in partnership with you. In fact, I suspect that all of our siblings are helping us along and facilitating our connections with one another.
One day I hope I can publish… Thank you for reading and connecting. Heather x
I love this. I totally relate, and you really hit the nail on the head. I lost my brother 1.5 years ago. I began working in mental health with suicidal crisis patients. I was recently given an opportunity to speak about my brothers death and how it’s affected me. I began to get very self conscious about this speech, and I ended up not doing it, because I felt I was capitalizing on my brothers death. I hated to feel that way, and I knew I could help others but I just wasn’t ready, and that’s okay. Reading your article has helped me validate those emotions. I’m sorry for your loss, and everyone’s that finds them here. But thank you for turning it into some light for others.
Thank you for this lovely comment, Jo. I am so pleased that you felt the article helpful. I’m so sorry that you have had this loss experience too. Congratulations on your work and on getting trough your speech – no easy feat! X