I feel I’ve reached quite a milestone in my grief journey, which is slightly bittersweet. Less than two weeks ago, I passed the fifth birthday following my dad’s death by suicide. He would have turned 69 this year. It’s amazing to see how my emotions and reaction to this date have changed over time… Thanks to Facebook’s “See Your Memories” prompting, I scrolled through the posts I issued in his honor through the years.
- In 2012, just eight months after he died, my dad’s April birthday was the hardest day I had experienced in my grief journey. There was nothing to do on that day but think about the fact he was no longer here to celebrate. I abruptly left my office without warning because I couldn’t hide my hysterical crying in my cubicle anymore. I picked up an éclair on the way home – his favorite birthday treat – and spent the rest of the day crying uncontrollably on my couch.
- In 2014, I made a cheerful post that included a picture of us on Father’s Day – during a happier time. I tried to get an éclair but settled for donuts.
- This year, I kept in the back of my mind his birthday was once again upon us. I wondered if I should do something, but I toasted to him in my head as I ate a few bites of some leftover cake from a friend’s party. Close enough, right? One close family friend and I exchanged a message about it and that felt good. People remember.
If you had told me back in 2012 that I’d treat the day so aloofly in the years to come, I wouldn’t have believed you. At one point, I remember thinking to myself this year that I just don’t feel sad or want to. There is a lot to feel good about. The feeling I have is more that his absence is a huge bummer. A life-long Milwaukee Brewers fan, I thought about how serendipitous it would have been for him to attend their Opening Day on his birthday. (Unfortunately, they lost big time.) I almost feel guilty sharing this, as I know everyone does not experience these sentiments. All survivors are different.
I also feel proud of how far I’ve come in this time. Again, back in 2012, I wouldn’t have guessed I’d have a blog on this topic or that it would actually help other survivors. I thought it would just be an online journal. I’m surprised by how much I’ve shared and how open I’ve been. I guess it has been cathartic to get it all out there.
Similarly, I recently surprised myself by not stopping at the cemetery on a recent trip back to my home state. Granted, it’s not that far away, but I usually try to do so. As I passed it on my way into town, I thought, “I could stop now, but why don’t I just plan to do it on the way back?” Well, by the time that happened, it was late, dark and I just needed to get home. I sent my thoughts toward him and tried to make peace with that. This is not something the 2012 Becky would have done.
Time has evolved my grief and led me to accept that even death “traditions” can change each year, just as our longtime family traditions changed after he died. It felt a bit uncomfortable to let this year’s birthday go by so normally but I think it’s part of growing.
Hello,
I just would like to say thanks for your blog. My boyfriends family had 2 big losses in only 1 year and one of them was by suicide of a 31 year old man who left wife and 4 kids. Everyone is absolutely devasted and feels like anyone in the family is able to see a light in the end of the tunel now. There 5 months he is gone and all feels very recent for all of them. They live in London, I live in Rio, there is not much I can do from here other than try to talk and listen but I didnt know what to do, what to say, didnt understand that the process of grieving a suicide death was entirely different. It never happened in my family. The website is helping me to understand better what they are facing and to help them, so thank you very much.
I am so sorry for the losses you have experienced! It can be even more difficult when separated by distance. You’re doing everything you can by being there for them to talk and listen. We are honored to hear you’ve found the blog helpful.
We just celebrated the first birthday of our daughter after her death. Were on vacation and our other two daughters didn’t want us to be alone in celebrating, so they surprised us by coming to the beach and celebrating together. In four months it will be a year since our daughter took her life with GSW. I’m thankful for this group
How thoughtful of them! The first birthday was definitely my hardest. Thinking of you.
It’s been almost 7 years since my sister died by suicide. The first 3 were hell. Absolute hell. Her death almost took her son, our mother and myself with her. Today, we have all survived. For my sister’s last two birthdays my mother has wanted us all together to celebrate. We share memories and smile and laugh and sometimes cry. My mom makes a cake and we sing happy birthday. Weird but it works for us. We have two babies in the family now and watching them helps fill that empty place just a bit. Although we are still sad and angry that she is not here to fawn over her granddaughters, we show them pictures of her and tell her stories. God she would have been over the moon with these babies.
My husband of 33 years committed suicide May 25th. I am shattered. I met him at 17. I do not know life without him. I do not know how to get thru his Birthday August 8th
Thank you for your blog. I lost my 16-year-old son to suicide 7 months ago, and his birthday is coming son in a few weeks. This post and other survivors’ comments gave me some comfort. Thank you, all.