Through my own grief journey I have come to find that regret lives in the past, hope lives in the future. I think this was a notion that I believed even before losing my dad to suicide. However, I think in the aftermath of a loss by suicide, we almost have to go back before we can move forward.
I believe that we can find answers when we go back. They might not be THE answer, but they are answers that help us make sense of something that simply doesn’t make sense. Going back helps us build our narrative. It helps us incorporate this tragic loss into our story in a way that makes sense to us. We go back to not only try and understand, but to find forgiveness. Forgiveness for the people we lost, and most importantly, forgiveness for ourselves.
If you find yourselves starting to set up a permanent residence in the past, I challenge you to answer a few questions:
- List a few things you would have done differently.
- Make a list of all of the things you did in an effort to support the person you lost.
- List some of the things you know now that you didn’t know back then.
I asked myself these same questions, and gained tremendous insight. I learned that while there were a number of things that I would have done differently, it was still unknown rather these would have changed the final outcome. I learned that while I held the belief that there was more I could have done, the actual outcome was still in the hands of my father. I learned that I probably helped my father stay alive a lot longer than he may have initially thought. I learned that I was able to help him feel happiness and joy in addition to the crippling pain. Lastly, I learned that a lot of the things I would have done differently are a result of knowing what I know now. The expectations I set for myself simply weren’t realistic back then, because I did not know what I know now.
Is it ok to go back? Absolutely. Just make sure that it is a temporary visit and not a place you set up a permanent residence.
Thank you Jessica for this great post and the wisdom of: “The expectations I set for myself simply weren’t realistic back then, because I did not know what I know now.”
I relive the day my boyfriend died over and over in my head. He had not returned my calls and I was concerned but it had happened before and there was always a good explanation (the service was out, he lost his phone, he was hiking in the woods and out of range…). Knowing the details now of what took place that day and playing them out in my mind, I accept that I may have been able to postpone his suicide but not prevent it. If I had rushed to his house and checked in on him prior to the suicide he would have said I was crazy to worry and that everything was okay–and nobody would have been the wiser. My only wish is that he could have been found in time so he could have had a second chance at life and know how loved he was. But even that would not have guaranteed anything because ultimately, the outcome is in their hands.
I am happy that my post was helpful for you. It is difficult to not get stuck in the world of “what ifs,” “should haves,” and “if only.” We would all do anything to change the outcome. It was important for me to separate myself from the situation and acknowledge that I didn’t have as much power over the situation as I thought I did. It is a difficult concept to accept, but one that offers a great deal of peace. Wishing you peace on your journey!
This is very helpful, thank you. I also go over and over what I could have done. You are right I have a lot more knowledge now that I didn’t have then when my partner took his life. There is no guarantee that had I done anything differently it would have changed his choices as ultimately it was up to him to make choices for his own life. I am very slowly coming to terms with this. We can’t make decisions for other people, no matter what the outcome of their choices. Thanks again. I always appreciate your posts and find something helpful in all of them.
Right on Jessica.. you hit it on the nail.
On April 27 my friend, girl friend, a mother to a 12 year old girl and a surrogate mother to my 2 boys who is also named Jessica took her life. Thank you for sharing your experience. I almost immediately began understanding the process by which you talk about but I’m also a bit stuck in the what could I have done more and also wonder if my own behavior of not being kind enough pushed an already suicidal person to a point. But I’m also sure I had some hand in helping her hold on a bit longer. The thoughts are overwhelming and still sur real but thanks for what you wrote.