During the mourning process after a suicide loss we often talk about finding forgiveness. Forgiving the person that we lost for leaving us. Forgiving them for not being able to see the world through our eyes. Forgiving them for not asking for help. 
What I have found is that this forgiveness often comes with relative ease. Sure, we still have anger but we have forgiven them for what they have done. The type of forgiveness that often takes the most time, is the forgiveness we must find for ourselves. Forgiveness for not being able to save the person we lost. That is the tricky one. That is the piece that outsiders do not understand. “It is not your fault” I was told. My head understood that, but my heart could not accept that. It is in the aftermath that the signs become more clear. Seeing the sings more clearly can impact our ability to forgive ourselves. What we need to remember is that often those signs weren’t as clear prior to the suicide loss. They may have been more subtle. And truthfully, even if they weren’t we just never believe that this type of loss would actually occur. So, give yourself a break. Acknowledge that maybe there wasn’t anything more you could have done. Acknowledge that there might have been many things you did to keep the person you lost alive. Forgive yourself for not being able to save them.
That is very true the hardest part is forgiving ourselves for not seeing the signs and not saving them…this is still have not got past..thank you for your posts it’s soothing on a weird way to know there are people that understand suicides aftermath like only one could from living it.
It is only afterwards as we as little dectectives looking for any clues do we “see” the signs. They were ther but we didn’t recognise them as “suicidal”, how could we as we had never experienced this type of loss before. It is only now that I “see” the signs. My therapist said I could not have saved my son, no matter what. As a Mother I stuggle with this one as Mothers are always supposed to protect their children no matter how old they are………………
Absolutely. We see the signs after, only because we now know the extent of their pain. It is often unrealistic to think we should have been able to see the signs prior to their death. But this is not an easy concept to accept!
Thank you Jessica, for giving me permission to forgive myself and for second guessing myself! This is so difficult to come to terms with! All the what ifs!!!
I try to remember all the love my beautiful granddaughter and I shared and what I might have done to change her mind! Such a struggle and loss for everyone! Thank you for sharing! ❤️
You are quite right. It is very easy to forgive my partner as I know he did his absolute best for so long and was so brave and courageous. Sometimes I feel angry that he didn’t tell me what he was feeling or angry that he left me, but I don’t ever stay angry for very long as I love him so much. Definitely the thoughts that I should have realised and should have done more and that I could have stopped what he did, stay in my mind. Although I realise intellectually it was his choice and I am not responsible it is so hard to grasp hold of this emotionally.
Last Monday was a year since I found my husband. Thoughts still creep in to my head with a thousand questions. I remind myself that even the therapist said she never saw any sign that he was suicidal. I know the Dr. mixed medications that probably caused his reaction. But it still doesn’t make it any easier. It is good to be able to see other survivors have the same thoughts adn feeellings.
This is just what I needed this morning six months plus after my only child Whitney at age 33 died by a gswtth. You hit the nail on the head in a way I never have been able to come up with and I appreciate it so. Yes, afterward we become drenched in our pain and loss and the only person we can blame is us because we are the one left standing. I, the mom feel like I should have, could have, and so much more. Yes I forgive her. No I have not forgiven me. But with God’s grace and words like these from you I pray I and so many other survivors can find a way to a better place while we continue on living out our lives.
This is just what I needed this morning six months plus after my only child Whitney at age 33 died by a growth. You hit the nail on the head in a way I never have been able to come up with and I appreciate it so. Yes, afterward we become drenched in our pain and loss and the only person we can blame is us because we are the one left standing. I, the mom feel like I should have, could have, and so much more. Yes I forgive her. No I have not forgiven me. But with God’s grace and words like these from you I pray I and so many other survivors can find a way to a better place while we continue on living out our lives.
Correction to my above post. My daughter died by a gun shot wound to the head and not growth.
What a good article. I know that forgiving myself after losing my mother and then my brother was a long process. The what ifs pestered me unceasingly. Take the time you need as you heal following the loss of a loved one to Suicide.
I have not spoken to anyone who lost a parent to suicide and a sibling. I lost my father as a child and and then my brother 4 months ago. I feel like it still isn’t real, like I can’t believe they would BOTH do this. The regret and the pain of not being able to save them is consuming. I need peace so badly. Thank you for your post. At least I know someone else out there has survived.
Wow! Thank you! Thank you for sharing this. Having lost my husband of 26 years to suicide forgiveness was the biggest thing eating away at my heart. It’s only been six months and everyone keeps telling me that it wasn’t my fault. That he was a grown man and made his own choice to end his life. I do not and can not make choices for others. I walked out on him the night before his death hoping it would make him see that he was about to lose us and our marriage because of his drinking. Instead, he chose to drink even more until he decided he couldn’t go on anymore and shot himself. He had battled alcoholism for 6 years on and off and got really obsessed with alcohol during our last six months together. I saved him once before from the bowels of alcohol and stood by his side these past 6 years trying to find help for him and coaching him into sobriety. This time, I couldn’t save him. I saved myself by walking out the door, and gave value to my own needs. Or, so I thought. My mind and my heart can forgive him, but it’s a real process trying to forgive myself. My mind tells me it wasn’t my fault but my heart tells me I should have tried to save him. Most days though, I truly believe that if God hadn’t wanted him to come home, someone would have been able to save him. Someone would have been able to stop this final act. Then there come the days I play detective and think “what if”. What if I had hung on just for a bit longer? I’m sure it will take quite a while before I truly forgive myself, but finding this blog site and the stories shared by so many of you are truly helping me a great deal on my road to recovery. Thank you!
If only it were that easy😢