Twice in two days, the brutal reality of my dad’s suicide presented itself when I had to share about my family’s health history with doctors. It reminded me that even years after a loved one dies, their method of death haunts those left behind.
When visiting with a new general practitioner, she asked about my mom’s age and the state of her health. I immediately began to dread the question that would follow, “And, how about your father?” I timidly divulged he died by suicide and wondered how that
shifted her opinion of my family and me. Is there now a black mark on my file? The next day, I visited an acupuncturist and cringed when I saw a similar question on the intake form. It feels so cold to summarize my dad’s entire life in one shocking word: suicide.
In both cases, I was being asked about him because his health is presumed to impact mine and potentially foreshadow any issues I may face. I hate knowing that depression and anxiety have a genetic connection. I constantly feel like I am striving to “beat the odds” of following in his footsteps – even if I’m the only one waging. (It really hurts to write that because, at one point, I tried hard to model after him professionally in the field of law. It would have been an honor to follow him in that way.)
In these situations, I didn’t feel it was the time or place to save face by expanding on the type of person he was before depression set in…“He died by suicide, but he was an honor student, voted ‘judge of the year’ in his state, presided over the local Rotary Club and served as president of the church council. He also attended every one of my concerts, recitals and games.” Don’t you feel compelled to do the same to protect your loved one’s image? Here, I left it as is: dad = suicide. So disserving. So final.
It’s easy to feel sad, angry and guilty when someone new learns a friend or family member died by suicide. Why did my loved one do this? Why did they leave me to pick up the pieces? Was there more I could have done to prevent this?
Unfortunately, there will be some points when a suicide has to be publicly acknowledged, whether we prefer to or not. While I can’t take away those moments for you, I want you to know you aren’t alone in feeling uncomfortable and experiencing the ripple effect of your loved one’s death.
Be well.
My brother died by suicide and we choose to not publicly reveal his cause of death. Family and friends were told. We did not want his cause of death to be his legacy-how he was remembered. His life was so much more. We felt that family and friends would know that and see his death for what it was-a terrible tragedy. I would hope that healthcare providers would know this too. His death does put us, left in the wake of that death, at higher risk for suicide too. I hate that and feel like I have to conciously be aware to my own mental health in a way I hadn’t before his death.
Dear Ann,
I am so very sorry for your loss. As you can see, you are not alone. As to the higher suicide risks for survivors. Okay, that’s what some articles and the literature says and I personally have seen it too that shortly after a suicide another family member followed, but it’s still very, very rare. Being more aware of your own mental well being – It’s a gift! I am much more aware of myself now and I see it as a journey through my most inner core and what it reveals is amazing. I hope some day you will be able to see it that way too.
Much love to you.
My brother committed suicide about 13 months ago and I chose to share the details. Fortunately a lot of my family, friends and peers have been very supportive. Beyond this I’ve had 3 friends who told me they had attempted suicide and failed and we’re grateful to my family and I sharing our business in hopes of raising awareness and helping others. I can relate to that feeling of how 1 word summing up a whole life doesn’t do justice. When people ask me how I am doing my mind just assumed they are asking how I am coping . The reality is thinking about the loss of my brother impacts me every single day and very few people understand the challenge that presents for us survivors .
Until we see them again
Chris
I have found this very hard. When my partner died I felt like I wanted to protect him (and me) from negative thoughts and opinions of others, so I just said he had been unwell for some time but his death was still unexpected. Now a few months further down the track I feel strongly that I am not ashamed of him, his life, our relationship or anything about him or the way he died. He was a brave man who tried his very best for so long, and he was also the most caring, loving, generous and supportive man who taught me so much about what love is all about. And speaking up may help someone else which is so important. At the same time it is not easy to drop into the conversation. I think you have to get to the point where you are so self assured you genuinely don’t care what others think of you. Which isn’t easy with all we are going through.
My son committed suicide 7 months ago. A part of me died with him. All of me wanted to die after he died because I didn’t want him to be alone, so I tried to join him. Fortunately for me, I was found in time and I am here today. I know my son is not alone. I also know that he died of an illness, just like diabetes or heart problems, mental illness is a disease. I talk about it. I am working with the schools and community to get more awareness in our area. I want to help others. This in turn, is helping me heal. Being a mentor to others has also helped both me and others. My son is my guardian angel helping me help others now.
My friends and family are supportive in all my efforts.
My husband took his life ( i prefer to say that ) almost 7 months ago. The stigma attached to this tragic act is suffocating me. It’s still such a taboo subject & I find that I too have become taboo with many friends & some family. They just don’t feel comfortable enough to talk or approach me. I realise it maybe awkward for them and don’t really know what to say or do.
I guess I would have felt the same way had it happened to someone else. Let me tell you this… Our 2 daughters & myself suffer every single day since this horrific thing happened. We are reminded every hour of everyday that he his no longer here and why.,! We had no control over what happened and still no control over what people think or feel. We have no way of making them feel better about it.. And why should I have to? They certainly are not thinking about how we must be feeling. Surely if they did, they would get over there own insecurities about the subject. Come and visit like they used to or not avoid a possible encounter. It sucks big time that we suffer for his actions everyday & will forever. It’s not our fault yet we are being treated in a way like it was. The ripple effect is alive & well. The surviving members of suicide victims have it the worst. Get treated the worst & are expected to live with it due to others options or comfort zones. Pity help them when this touches their lives.,, because i believe in time it will effect everyone. Suicide is everywhere and increasing at an alarming rate. What will they do when it happens to them I wonder? I know what I will be doing… i will be treating them with even more care and affection – not the stigma & taboo treatment we are receiving. Smash this shitty stigma NOW
My husband killed himself on 9/13/15 and it’s not getting easier at all. It actually tore my whole family apart!! I don’t. think I will ever be alright!!
I am so sorry to hear that your family has experienced the ripple effects of a suicide. I have witnessed families ripped apart as they begin to blame each other for not being able to prevent their loved one’s suicide. I am not sure if it will give you any hope but often it does get worse before it gets better. Bare in mind that it has only been 6 months since the loss of your husband. That isn’t long at all. Take time to care for yourself, and don’t expect too much from yourself right now. The pain is still very fresh. Thinking of you, and hoping that in time your family will find peace.
Jessica, I’ve only seen your message just now also. I wanted to Thankyou for your kind words and advice. Although the time since this tragedy has been somewhat short, it feels like a lifetime to me. Every day seems like a week as I’ve had so many ripples occur in other ways. There are major issues still to be resolved with my husbands employers & this has been the main reason i feel suspended in my time of grief. I cannot go thru the normal stages like what would be happening to most. They are actually prolonging my agony by treating me the way they have. I’m determined to get all of my questions answered and then hold them accountable for their actions. So until this has been done, i guess i will remain stuck in this nightmare.
Kindest regards,
Sharon
Viola, I’ve only just seen your message & appologise for this late reply.
We both know what this feels like and unfortunately are connected by the evil act done by our husbands. I would love to be able to talk to you further and wonder if you also would like to. Please feel free to contact me anytime – you can leave a private message on either one if my Facebook pages, one being under my name and the other is Mrs Anthony Johnson.
Kindest regards, Sharon ❤️
Dear Mrs. Anthony Johnson,
I am so very sorry for your loss. It’s been 7 month – only 7 months, That’s no time at all, Your wounds are still very raw and the pain stings as if it happened yesterday. Your thoughts may not be quite in order yet either. (at times I still can’t think straight) Such a catastrophe leads to brain overload and we find ourselves helpless, misunderstood, and even cast out of our communities. From experience I can tell you, some friends and family will go, some will stay, and you will make new friends in time. People close to us really don’t know what to say or do and – they fear our tears and pain.
Happened to me Easter. The Christmas celebrations went without a word, but Easter some people felt more comfortable approaching us. I can talk about suicide, I just can’t talk about my son. I miss him terribly. So, of course the tears started rolling again and that’s when the conversation was quickly guided into a different direction. So what is it? Are people uncomfortable with the topic suicide or do they just fear our pain and don’t want to further hurts us? The western world has a really strange way to mourn, it’s not mourning at all, because mourning is the outside representation of grief and nobody wants to see it. And yet, it’s so important that we are seen and comforted while we mourn. If it doesn’t happen, it indeed hurts more.
Unfortunately, this kind of behavior is wide spread and all I can do is somehow help myself, but I also learned that it’s totally okay to ask for specific help. Phrase it as specifically as possible, make a step towards your loved ones, they really don’t know what to do for your right now. I am sure there are some, who would be thrilled to hear from you.
And yes, let’s get rid of this Stigma.
Much love to you all.
Diana,
Your message also has only just reached me. I’m not sure if you can see both my replies to the other ladies but unfortunately there is a lot more to my story.
I send you my love and can’t imagine how losing a child this way would feel. I look at both if my daughters and feel so bad for their future without the dad they had always been able to rely on. He was just a big kid himself and the funniest one of our family. Both are yet to feel the full effects of his death and in some ways are seeming to be handling this 100 times better than myself. Being a FIFO worker they were used to him being away and i fear when this time comes they will fall hard. I can only hope I’m there ready and waiting to catch them in time before more damage is done.
Kindest regards,
Sharon